Plese read my sample and give me some advice. I would be really appreciated~

[Sophie_Sun]

[color=blue]The most important investment for a company is to spend money on improving skills of its employees.

Perhaps no issue in this world could be more significant to a company than making good investments. Considering the fact that it is the employees of high quality who contribute to the company’s progress, I fundamentally agree with the statement, which says, to a company, the most important investment would be spending money on the improvement of employees’ work skills. Actually, such wise investment could bring a company at least two critical advantages.

One obvious advantage is “more customers and mounting profits”. The improvement of employees’ skills could improve the company’s operating efficiency. With more professional skills, employees could handle daily affairs better. Thus, customers would be more satisfied with the services or products provided by this company. And finally, the number of customers and the profits this company could make will increase hand in hand.

The other one is “more talents and further development”. Like children like to be valued by parents, employees also like to be paid much attention to by their employers. In each employee’s heart, there is a will to accomplish tasks wonderfully, and to achieve one’s self-improvement. Therefore, a company will impress an employee a lot, if it could not only concentrate on the profits he make, but also care about his further development. And such humane company will surely attract more talents to come, heading for its further development.

Admittedly, the investments on the other stuff, like working equipment and marketing support, cannot be ignored either. However, without a group of talented employees, nothing could work effectively even if well-equipped.

With all these considerations offered above, I sincerely restate my standpoint that improving the employees’ work skills of a company could be the most important and intelligent investment. In short, “Wish for a promising future? Improve your employees’ skills first.”

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and an HR interviewer

[Luschen]

Hi, I think this essay was pretty good. Your structure was ok, but your thesis and topic sentences, which are the most important sentences in any essay, need a little more work. You could use some more specific and personal examples - instead you have quite a few unsubstantiated statements. Your writing skill is pretty good though. You have excellent grammar and an ok vocabulary, although you do have some awkward and unnatural sounding phrases here and there. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

@Sophie Sun

[color=blue]The most important investment for a company is to spend money on improving skills of its employees.

Perhaps no issue in this world could be more significant to a company than making good investments. Considering the fact that it is the employees of high quality who [most] contribute to the company’s progress, I fundamentally agree with the statement, which says, to a company, the most important investment would be spending money on the improvement of employees’ work skills.{this sentence is grammatically correct, but sounds pretty awkward} Actually, such wise investment could bring a company at least two critical advantages[, increased profits and happier employees].

One obvious advantage is “more customers and mounting profits”.{why quotes here? Is this some famous saying? In English we sometimes use scare quotes, which imply that you are making fun of what is in the quotes. For example: Some self-proclaimed “doctors of herbology” have been prescribing strange herbs to their patients} The improvement of employees’ skills could improve the company’s operating efficiency. With more professional skills, employees could handle daily affairs better. Thus, customers would be more satisfied with the services or products provided by this company. And finally, the number of customers and the profits this company could make will increase hand in hand. {hand-in-hand sounds odd here without explicitly stating what it is hand-in-hand with} {this paragraph is ok, but did not really jump out at me. I think some more specific examples would help. All you really have is statements without much evidence}

The other one is “more talents and further development”.{this topic sentence could be improved - refer back to the thesis, so we know what “one” is} {this reason is also a little unclear to me - try to be more explicit} Like[As] {sounds less repetitive here} children like to be valued by parents, employees also like to be paid much attention to{ this phrase sounds awkward, I would rephrase the sentence} by their employers. In each employee’s heart, there is a will to accomplish tasks wonderfully, {“wonderfully” sounds odd when talking about an employee’s duties} and to achieve one’s self-improvement.{this phrase sounds a bit odd too - maybe “and to increase one’s job-related skills”} Therefore, a company will impress an employee a lot, if it could[does] not only concentrate on the profits he[it] make[s ], but also care[s ] about his further development. And such [a] humane company will surely attract more talents to come{“in the future” is more clear}, heading for[leading to] its further development.

Admittedly, the investments on the other stuff{try not to use “stuff” or “things” - here you could say “aspects”}, like working equipment{“working equipment” here sounds like “functioning equipment”, which is not what you mean} and marketing support, cannot be ignored either. However, without a group of talented employees, nothing[no company] could work effectively even if well-equipped.

With all these considerations offered above, I sincerely restate my standpoint that improving the employees’ work skills of a company could be the most important and intelligent investment. In short, “Wish for a promising future? Improve your employees’ skills first.”

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and an HR interviewer

[Sophie_Sun]

Thanks a lot! I’ll revise it as soon as possible.