Please revise my essay (TOEFL independent writing)

Topic : 67. If you were an employer, which kind of worker would you prefer to hire: an inexperienced worker at a lower salary or an experienced worker at a higher salary? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

In my opinion, the foundation of a progressive company is the brilliant employees. Almost great companies take their workers as the most important property, because a fine worker is the partner of the company. If I were an employer, I would prefer to hire an experienced worker at a higher salary. The experienced worker has worked for several years and has high level of knowledge in a particular subject.

It takes a larger part of spending of my company, but experienced workers at high salary have their trained technique and experience help the company to head to the right direction, such as giving advises, offering suggestions, and making decisions. For example, several years ago, I was a chairwoman in the student unit. All of my partners came from different departments and grades with various experiences and backgrounds. Every time I mentioned a new policy, the best suggestion always came from the senior members, who analyzed the difficulty and gave the solution. It never occurred during the meeting with the junior members. Therefore, the experienced worker is important in the developed organization.

In addition, the experienced workers have social skills which inexperienced workers don’t have. It is obvious that the older people tend to interact well with others than the young people. As an employee has a well conversation skill, he deals with the task independently. Take my first job for example, at that time I had tense relationship with my client, for I got a problem with communicating with my client. My supervisor, however, helped me calm down, and taught me the way to comfort the client.

The experienced employees play an important role of the excellent company. As I mentioned above, they are consolers and have good conversation skill. Therefore, it is worth to pay more money on an experienced worker.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students in their first class of the term

Hi, welcome to the forum. Your writing is very good. I like your essay structure and your paragraphs were well developed and addressed the essay prompt correctly. You do have some grammatical errors and a few word choices that could be improved. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Thank you very much!
Actually I revised this essay for two times before I posted it. :stuck_out_tongue:

(Please advise me, if I am wrong.)

Pretty close!

I revised some parts,

[Paragraph 2, Line 1]
The salaries of experienced workers must occupy a large part of company expense, but they have adept techniques and experiences to help the company to head in the right direction…”

[Line 3]
“student unit” should be “student union” (I’m sorry about that.)

[Line 4]
“All of my partners came from different departments and in various years with various experiences…”

[Line 7]
“Therefore, the experienced worker is important in the group.”

[Paragraph 4, line 1]
“consolers” is the typo of “counselors” (I’m sorry about that.)

(Please advise me if I am wrong.)

I think your revisions are all significant improvements. Your first revision still sounds a little odd - I don’t really like “occupy” there. Maybe “The salaries of experienced workers must account for a significant proportion of company expenses …”

I got it! Thank you, Luschen.