Please kindly evaluate and check my essay, Thank you [IELT academic writing 2]


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[b]Topic : Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Other, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In generally, a person who is suspected to be a criminal, and proved that he or she is guilty. They should be punishment by laws. It is basically judgment in standard of society. In addition, many crimes have different in evidences and motivations that lead to wide of rates in punishment. However, some people argue that the punishment should be fixed for each kind of violation, while others believed that each crime has different background. Hence, it may have variety of rates in punishment.
In my opinion, punishment should be fixed in each type of crime, because it will create equality in society. For instance, if riches peoples do a crime, they will get same punishment as poorest peoples. This will make peace in every status of society.
Moreover, standard punishment will make people realize in social regulation and laws. Therefore, they will not do any culpability over others. Examples n Singapore, where is strictly fixed in rules. Singaporean usually is severely following the regulations, such as crossing street. If driver crashes people who were not passing over street by crosswalk, will not guilty in this accident. From this evidence, it forces people to follow the rules.
On the other hand, fixed rules might not suitable in some crime that need to investigation. Especially in some murder case may happen by accident or protecting oneself. These circumstances may lead to conversely judgment, because it is differential driving force. For example, In some state, father who accidentally killed a man was not got any punishment, due to the fact that murdered man tried to rape his daughter. By this example is showed that fixed punishment may not right in this verdict. It is showed that conditions and motivations may need to use in court decision.
To sum up, fixed punishment may need to use in standard regulations for social harmonizing. However, some punishment should be adjust by follow situation and motivation in each crime. These will appoint peacefully in society.

TOEFL listening discussions: Two roommates talking about fraternities

Hi, I think this essay has some problems. Nearly every sentence has at least one grammatical or usage errors and there are a few sentences which are almost indecipherable. On the good side, you have correctly addressed the prompt, and your structure is correct, although some of your arguments are difficult to follow. I don’t think your example in your first body paragraph was very applicable or convincing. Overall, I would rate this a band 5.

Thank you very much, Mr. Luschen. I am so happy to see your comments :D.

However, I feel a little bit upset on my own weakness in grammar. My goal is at least band 6. It is seem so far for me. So I am quite appreciate your comments so much. My examination date is coming closer. I will try to write it again.

Thank you again Mr. Luschen for your comments, also if you have any further advise please add it for me. :smiley: