please help with an IELTS essay. thanks

Topic:What are the advantages and disadvantages of having older people living in the family home?

There is an increasing number in older population all over the world. It has also a widely discussion about if people should live with elders or not. This essay will contend benefits and drawbacks of staying with elders.

There are several advantages of staying with older people in a family. First of all, a better relationship is most likely to be enhanced among family members as children live with their gray-haired parents and they could spend more time to look after them. Traditionally families, for instance, are usually found a stronger bond primarily for they prefer to stay together with elders and the way they greatly related to each other. Older people, who stay with their family, also tend to suffer fewer psychological problems. Negative consequences, namely loneliness, depression and committing suicide are generally found less prevalence in this group of elders as they probably receive more supportive resources from their family. The development of mental and social parts, as a result, is healthier for these older people.

On the other hand, some negative outcomes related to staying with elder people cannot be ignored. Each individual has different perspectives and opinions of life styles. It can be a challenging task to meet or cater elders’ requirement once they believe they are the eldest one in the family and should have more authorities. Conflicts can simply happen since each individual disagrees with others in the way they act or behave in a family. Another greatly concerning issue is that care givers, who also need to afford a job to raise a family, may take more burden and stress as gray-haired elders particularly mentally and physically rely on them. Once the balance between looking after elders and jobs cannot be overcome, it is highly possible for these care-providers to burn out and to result in a collapse of a family.

By way of conclusion, there are some concerns as people live with elders; it, however, is definitely beneficial for them once the issues can be dealt with carefully.

TOEFL listening lectures: Which event or development did not strongly influence the history of bread?

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good. I thought your introduction was a little shaky, but once you got into your body paragraphs your writing was better. You don’t have too many grammatical errors, but you do have quite a few awkward or unnatural sounding sentences. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

thanks so much for your help, Luschen.

I found that i am really not good at writing introduction of an essay which is the part that students are supposed to do well in order to gain basic markers.
But from your comment, I do take this issue seriously as the part i need to work on more.
will keep trying to meet the requirements of a good essay.
once again, i appreciate all of your efforts on this forum.

I think that the introduction can indeed be the most difficult part of the essay to write - this article has a pretty good, if a little vague, description of how to write one: