Please help me with my TOEFL essay-keeping land in natural condition or not

[Terry123123]

Topic:In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As we all know, China, as a developing country, is now speeding up in developing both its economy and industry. Whereas some factory owners or investors might feel ridiculous, I would prefer to leave the land in its natural condition rather than changing it into other uses, even though other aspects such as solving housing problem, building factories are important for the country.

First of all, a desire of develop doesn’t mean destroying the ecological environment. We may be able to destroy the land for farming or the land in which is a forest into human use. But we cannot deny that doing the opposite is almost impossible. The formation of a piece of forest demands a high number of conditions. For instance, we need many factors such as enough water, rich soil, various plants which suit the environment, and many kinds of animals to construct a vivid green land. And the different factors can influent each other to keep an ecological balance. Once one of the factors is destroyed, the whole balance might be broken. And our human bodies, indeed, deeply reply on such a balance. If the balance is destroyed, we will have to face something disaster.

Another reason I put special emphasis upon not sacrificing natural balance in order to develop economy comes from the Hong Kong’s and Japanese experiences. Those two highly developed places are seriously lack of land, but they have to feed an incredible number of population. To solve the land problem, the two governments did a great job in using every inch of land to satisfy the need of housing and developing. It is common to see buildings with 30-50 floors in Hong Kong and Tokyo, while it is also common to find enough green land in these cities that keeps the cities beautiful and makes the air fresh all year round. As the reason of that, people living in the two places have the longest life expectancy in the world. I think perhaps we can learn from their experiences to solve the housing problem without destroying something which is hard to rebuild.

I love my home country, and I hope that it can be better and better with a sustainable development. I don’t want to see the green land disappears year by year, replaced by factories with heavy smoke and polluted water emitted. I hope all our efforts on science or technology will bring us a beautiful future.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the young man have grapes for lunch?

[Luschen]

Hi Terry, I thought you did a very good job with this one. Your structure is very clear and your vivid examples do a great job of supporting your thesis. Your writing was generally pretty clear, but you did have some word choices that could be improved and some grammatical and usage errors here and there. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Terry123123

Topic:In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As we all know, China, as a developing country, is now speeding up in developing both its economy and industry. Whereas some factory owners or investors might feel [this idea] ridiculous, I would prefer to leave the land in its natural condition rather than changing it into{“transforming it for other …” would be better} other uses, even though other aspects such as solving [the] housing problem [and] building factories are important for the country.

First of all, a desire of[to] develop doesn’t{avoid contractions} mean destroying the ecological environment. We may be able to destroy the land for farming or the land in which is a forest into {“destroy … into” sounds odd to me} human use. But we cannot deny that doing the opposite is almost impossible. The formation{“growth” seems better} of a piece of forest demands a high[large] number of conditions. For instance, we need many factors such as enough water, rich soil, various plants which [are] suit[ed to] the environment, and many kinds of animals to construct a vivid green land. And the different factors can influen[ce] each other to keep an ecological balance. Once one of the factors is destroyed, the whole balance might be broken. And our human bodies, indeed, deeply reply[rely] on such a balance. If the balance is destroyed, we will have to face something [like] disaster. {this still sounds unnecessarily vague}

Another reason I put special emphasis upon not sacrificing [the] natural balance in order to develop [the] economy comes from the Hong Kong’s and Japan['s] experiences. Those two highly developed places are seriously lack of land, but they have to feed an incredible number{“population” is non-countable, so I would use “amount”} of population. To solve the land problem, the two governments did a great job in using every inch of land to satisfy the need of housing and developing. It is common to see buildings with 30-50 floors in Hong Kong and Tokyo, while it is also common to find enough green land in these cities that keeps the cities beautiful and makes the air fresh all year round. As the reason of that[Due to this reason], {or "As a result of that, "} people living in the two places have the longest life expectancy in the world. I think perhaps we can learn from their experiences to solve the housing problem without destroying something which is hard to rebuild.

I love my home country, and I hope that it can be[come] better and better with a sustainable development. I don’t want to see the green land disappears year by year, replaced by factories with heavy smoke and [emitting] polluted water emitted. I hope all our efforts on science or technology will bring us a beautiful future.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the young man have grapes for lunch?

[Terry123123]

Thank you very much Luschen.
Your correction is very helpful. I have rewrote all the corrected sentences in notebook, hope that I won’t make the same mistakes again.

@Luschen

Hi Terry, I thought you did a very good job with this one. Your structure is very clear and your vivid examples do a great job of supporting your thesis. Your writing was generally pretty clear, but you did have some word choices that could be improved and some grammatical and usage errors here and there. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Terry123123

Topic:In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As we all know, China, as a developing country, is now speeding up in developing both its economy and industry. Whereas some factory owners or investors might feel [this idea] ridiculous, I would prefer to leave the land in its natural condition rather than changing it into{“transforming it for other …” would be better} other uses, even though other aspects such as solving [the] housing problem [and] building factories are important for the country.

First of all, a desire of[to] develop doesn’t{avoid contractions} mean destroying the ecological environment. We may be able to destroy the land for farming or the land in which is a forest into {“destroy … into” sounds odd to me} human use. But we cannot deny that doing the opposite is almost impossible. The formation{“growth” seems better} of a piece of forest demands a high[large] number of conditions. For instance, we need many factors such as enough water, rich soil, various plants which [are] suit[ed to] the environment, and many kinds of animals to construct a vivid green land. And the different factors can influen[ce] each other to keep an ecological balance. Once one of the factors is destroyed, the whole balance might be broken. And our human bodies, indeed, deeply reply[rely] on such a balance. If the balance is destroyed, we will have to face something [like] disaster. {this still sounds unnecessarily vague}

Another reason I put special emphasis upon not sacrificing [the] natural balance in order to develop [the] economy comes from the Hong Kong’s and Japan['s] experiences. Those two highly developed places are seriously lack of land, but they have to feed an incredible number{“population” is non-countable, so I would use “amount”} of population. To solve the land problem, the two governments did a great job in using every inch of land to satisfy the need of housing and developing. It is common to see buildings with 30-50 floors in Hong Kong and Tokyo, while it is also common to find enough green land in these cities that keeps the cities beautiful and makes the air fresh all year round. As the reason of that[Due to this reason], {or "As a result of that, "} people living in the two places have the longest life expectancy in the world. I think perhaps we can learn from their experiences to solve the housing problem without destroying something which is hard to rebuild.

I love my home country, and I hope that it can be[come] better and better with a sustainable development. I don’t want to see the green land disappears year by year, replaced by factories with heavy smoke and [emitting] polluted water emitted. I hope all our efforts on science or technology will bring us a beautiful future.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the young man have grapes for lunch?