Please help me with my IELTS Writing Essay. Thanks a lot!

[Dan_Pham]

Hi Mr Luschen, Could you give me some comments about my writing, please? Thank you very much for your time!
Topic: Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places?

My essay:
It is true that visiting museums and historical relics are vital activities for improving human knowledge about the world around us. However, these places seem to be more attractive to overseas visitors than the local inhabitants. There could be several reasons for this and measures need to be taken to encourage more nearby people to visit this type of attractions.

There are various explanations of the local resident’s low attendance rate at historical locations, despite the considerable number of visits from tourists. Firstly, local attractions seem to be extremely familiar to people nearby. The fact that historical places, which are usually carefully preserved, hardly change as the time passes makes the locals lose their interest in visiting them. On the contrary, overseas travellers are likely to be always curious about the cultural and historical attractions in a foreign country. Another reason for this case is the nominal fees such as tickets for admission or parking fee, which often discourage the local citizens, while foreign visitors find it quite comfortable to pay these fees since they are in a holiday trip.

In my view, there are some steps that these attraction’s management committee and government could take to tackle this problem. The main solution is for the museum and historical relics execute more public-oriented events in order to gain the locals’ attention. It seems logical that people prefer taking part in these activities than seeing repeatedly some ancient collections. Moreover, government should provide more financial support to the historical sites to encourage its residents to visit these locations. For example, thanks to the abundant source of money, some museums can offer free admission for the locals, which, I believe, can significantly increase the number of visits made by the local inhabitants.

In conclusion, historical locations are far more appealing to foreigners than the locals for many reasons, such as the lack of the necessary renovation as well as the money charged to access to these attractions. However, various measures can be implemented to solve this problems by financial assistance from governments and the effort of these places to attract the local residents.

[Luschen]

Hi Dan, I think this is your best essay yet. Your writing is very clear and your arguments are convincing and well-developed. I found myself nit-picking small details, which is always a good sign! I think this would probably score a band 7. I have given some suggestions for vocabulary options and some other comments below:

@Dan_Pham

It is true {maybe “it is undeniable” uses a more challenging vocabulary word} that visiting museums and historical relics {a “relic” is not really a “site” - relics are smaller artifacts that would be in museums} are vital activities for improving human knowledge about the world around us. However, these places {“venues” is a good alternative} seem to be more attractive to overseas visitors than [to] the local inhabitants. {your version meant tourists can choose to see museums or watch the local people - I think watching the locals is often more interesting and educational, but I don’t think that is what you meant
} There could be several reasons for this and measures need to be taken to encourage more nearby people {“nearby residents” is more descriptive here - or since you used it in the next sentence, you could say “those who reside nearby to visit …” } to visit this type of [attraction.]

There are various explanations of the local resident’s low attendance rate at historical locations, despite the considerable number of visits from tourists. Firstly, local attractions seem to be extremely familiar to people nearby. The fact that historical places, which are usually carefully preserved, hardly change as the time passes {“as time passes” is more natural} makes the locals lose their interest in visiting them. On the contrary, overseas travellers are likely to be always curious about the cultural and historical attractions in a foreign country. Another reason for this case [of lack of interest] {I think it is better to remind the reader exactly what case you are talking about} is the nominal fees such as tickets for admission or parking fee, which often discourage the local citizens, while foreign visitors find it quite comfortable to pay these fees since they are [on] a holiday trip.

In my view, there are some steps that these [attractions’] management [committees, as well as the] government {or “as well as government authorities/officials”, which sounds a bit more parallel} could take to tackle this problem. The main solution is for the [museums] and [sites featuring] historical relics [to] execute {“initiate”, “orchestrate”, “present” or “stage” sound more natural here} more public-oriented events in order to gain the locals’ attention. It seems logical that people prefer taking part in these activities than seeing repeatedly [seeing] some {“seeing the same old ancient” would be a good idiom here} ancient collections. Moreover, government should provide more financial support to the historical sites to encourage its {this was a bit jarring because I thought maybe the “its” was referring to “sites”, with a plural/singular mismatch. You could avoid any confusion by saying “encourage neighboring residents” residents to visit these locations. For example, thanks to the abundant source of money, {it is a bit unclear where the money comes from - maybe “thanks to adequate funding, some”} some museums can offer free admission for the locals, which, I believe, can significantly increase the number of visits made by the local inhabitants.

In conclusion, historical locations are far more appealing to foreigners than the locals for many reasons, such as the lack of the necessary renovation as well as the money charged to access to these attractions. However, various measures can be implemented to solve [these] problems by financial assistance from governments and [increasing] the effort of these places to attract the local residents.

[Dan_Pham]

Hi Mr Luschen, thank you so much for giving me such helpful comment. Besides, can you give me some advice to improve my band score in writing? It seems to me that the trouble comes from the way I use vocabulary. Are they too simple or not academic enough? And maybe it is also resulted from the limited range of grammatical structure in my essay.

[Luschen]

Hi Dan, well I think a band 7 score is pretty good! To be honest, I think a band 7 is probably as high as an essay can score by using a formula or template. Your essay is good, but I can tell that you are basically following a pattern or template that you can adapt for most essay topics. I think that is fine and is probably the best method for most IELTS test takers. There is a limited amount of time, and being creative usually takes too much time, especially for those for whom English is a second language. Plus, there is a bigger risk of “writing outside the box” in that one grader might think you are an excellent writer, but another might prefer those who write according to the accepted pattern. I definitely agree there is still some room for improvement in your vocabulary and grammar. I have suggested some vocabulary words and just by reading your response above, I can tell you still have grammar errors in your everyday writing.