PLease help me to improve my writing..'TOEFL ESSAY'

[Fisal1407]

There are many fascinating places in the world. We see pictures of them in books and on television. Think about the most beautiful place that you have ever seen in person. Write an essay describing this wonderful place in detail. What makes this place so beautiful?

…There are lots of wonderful places in the world. People differ from one another in their appreciation to the significance of certain places. As many climbers tend to visit the heights in some countries such as India and Pakistan, I prefer-as a diver- to state my experience with a beautiful place like Hawaii describing the importance of it not only for me but for every one who loves diving.

…Hawaii is the best place in terms of density of coral reef. It really is my greatest pleasure to dive in the pacific ocean and to enjoy going through miles of coral reef. In spite of being threatened by great white sharks because Hawaii shores are a rich habitat for sharks, I would rather dive there than anywhere else. Ali is a friend of mind. He lost his leg during a diving trip in Hawaii in 1998; a white shark attacked him and swallowed his leg in few seconds. Although I knew this and many scary stories, I still like it. I cannot compare Hawaii to any other places. Indeed, the vibrant colorful coral reef I have seen underwater there has lured and gotten me crazy about Hawaii.

…Needless to say Hawaii shores are the purest shores on the planet; In no other place could I see what is going on underwater but Hawaii. When I am on a boat in a typical summer day in Hawaii, I spend a lot of time sailing at a certain area of the ocean to look at Dolphins, Sea Stars and other distinct marine creatures. Moreover, the purity lets you see the reflected rays of the Sun on the sandy surface of the ground of the ocean in Hawaii.

…To warp up this essay, I would love to emphasize the beauty of Hawaii as the most wonderful place I have ever seen. It’s been said I am a crazy diver. Therefore, nothing could prevent me from diving in Hawaii even if it is a great shark. Plus, the attributes of the water in Hawaii are an attraction factor too; that is why I love Hawaii.

Thank you so much

Faisal

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation about toys

[Luschen]

Hi,

I am not a teacher, but I will be happy to make some comments on your essay. It is a pretty good essay, hopefully my comments will be helpful.

@Fisal1407

There are many fascinating places in the world. We see pictures of them in books and on television. Think about the most beautiful place that you have ever seen in person. Write an essay describing this wonderful place in detail. What makes this place so beautiful?

…There are lots of wonderful places in the world. People differ from one another in their appreciation to[of] the significance of certain places. As many climbers tend to visit the heights in some countries such as India and Pakistan,{new sentence} I prefer-as a diver- to state{elaborate on} my experience with a beautiful place like Hawaii[,] describing the importance of it{its importance sounds better} not only for me but for every one{pone word} who loves diving.

…Hawaii is the best place [in the world ] in terms of density of coral reef. It really is my greatest pleasure to dive in the pacific ocean{capitalize} and to enjoy going[swimming] through miles of coral reef. In spite of being threatened by great white sharks because Hawaii shores are a rich habitat for sharks[, for which Hawaii’s coastline provides a rich habitat]{the “shores” would actually refer to the beaches and cliffs}, I would rather dive there than anywhere else. Ali is a friend of mind[mine]. He lost his leg during a diving trip in Hawaii in 1998; a [great] white shark attacked him and swallowed his leg in few seconds. Although I knew this and many scary stories, I still like it.{this sentence is a little awkward - try"Although this frightening story as well as many others are always in the back of my mind, I can’t help but love exploring Hawaii’s reefs.} I cannot compare Hawaii to any other places.{No other place compares to Hawaii} Indeed, the vibrant[ly]{adverb describing colorful] colorful coral reef I have seen underwater there has lured and gotten me crazy{too informal - try “inspired my passion for Hawaii”} about Hawaii.

…Needless to say[,] Hawaii['s] shores [waters]are the purest shores on the planet; In no other place could I see what is going on underwater but[as well as I could in] Hawaii.{Hawaii is not the only place in the world where you can see underwater} When I am on a boat in a typical summer day in Hawaii, I spend a lot of time sailing at[in] a certain area of the ocean to look at Dolphins, Sea Stars{not capitalized} and other distinct[ive] marine creatures. Moreover, the purity{clarity is the word I think you are looking for} lets you see the reflected rays of the Sun{no caps} on the sandy surface of the ground of the ocean in Hawai[Hawaii’s ocean floor].

…To warp[wrap] up this essay{this is too informal - To conclude would be better}, I would love to emphasize the beauty of Hawaii as the most wonderful place I have ever seen.{this sentence is awkward} It’s been said [that]I am a crazy diver. Therefore, nothing could prevent me from diving in Hawaii[,] even if it is a great shark[great white sharks]. {this is the best sentence for a final conclusion - put the following sentence before this one} Plus, the attributes of the water in Hawaii are an attraction factor too; that is why I love Hawaii.

Thank you so much

Faisal

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation about toys

[Fisal1407]

It is very very very helpful.

I loved how you rehashed some sentences such as “for which Hawaii’s coastline provides a rich habitat.”

Anyway, you are a REAL TEACHER. I really am grateful to you for taking time to correct my essay.

Thank so much

[Luschen]

Thanks!

By the way, I think you mean “revised” - rehashed would mean to say the same thing in the same way over and over again.