Please help me rate my essay. really thanks for your help :)

[color=darkred]People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, and increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

[color=brown]People attend college or university for many different reasons. From my point of view I believe that people attend college or university because two reasons. Fist reason is for their career preparation. Another reason is to increase their knowledge. The following paragraph will provide the example to support my opinion.

First reason that people attend college or university is for their career preparation. In my office if you want to be promoted for management position. You need to have at least bachelor degree from university. For example my colleague, Thodsaporn, is an “Operation, day supervisor” and he is going to be promoted to for the Operation department manger but after HR department looked into his education background they found that he does not qualify because he doesn’t have bachelor degree. So, what he needs to do is attend to university to get the degree first. Then he will be promoted after he gets the degree. My experience with Thodsaporn that he doesn’t qualify because he doesn’t have a bachelor degree showed me that people attend college or university for their career preparation.

Second reason that people attend college or university is to increase their knowledge. In our working life, the only one specific knowledge is not enough to solve the problem. For example my friend, Yutthapon, is a mechanical engineer. His work is to find the root cause of the machine failure problem. After, he worked for 2 years. He found that only mechanical knowledge is not enough for him to find the root cause of the problem. So, he decided to continue his study in university in material science program. My experience with Yutthapon proved that people attend to college or university to increase their knowledge.

In conclusion, I believe that people attend to college or university because of two reasons. First reason is they want to prepare for their career. Second reason is they want to increase their knowledge.

Really thanks for your help. :slight_smile:

TOEFL listening discussions: What upsets the young man’s mother?

Hi, your writing is not too bad. You have a good overall structure, apart from your introduction - see below. I really liked your vivid and personal examples. They were very relevant and convincing. Your grammar is pretty good too, with only a few minor errors and a couple of odd sounding phrases. Your main problem is your excessive repetition. You use the exact same sentence structures, words, and phrases multiple times in your essay. Your vocabulary is also pretty limited. These problems are usually closely related, in that you can only express something with certain words. Try reading to increase your vocabulary, and changing the structure of your sentences will help too. Not too bad though, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

Really thank for your comment krub _/_
:slight_smile: