Please grade my essay.Playing sports teaches people more lessons about life.

[Cathyxu]

Topic–Playing sports teaches people more lessons about life.
I cannot agree more with the point that playing sports teaches people more lessons about life. Sport is an epitome of life --the practice, the mindset, the enjoyment, the failure, the success, the sports spirit–all the essential ingredients of life are included in sports. When playing sports, you discover yourself and perfect yourself. To specify the issue, I would like to cite a few reasons and examples.
To begin with, playing sports can foster a sense of teamwork. We all know that we need to cooperate with others in sports. A great team can never lack effective teamwork. My brother’s example illustrates this point well. My brother Don used to be a child self-sufficient. He was able to manage things by himself,and it never occurred to him that he should depend on others. In his eyes,cooperation is a cliche. But this was changed when he took part in the basketball team. When he joined the team in the first day, instead of introducing himself and saying hello to his coach, he went straight to the ball. Then he was practicing playing basketball alone. In the following competitions he was isolated on the bench, for he was not an excellent team player. It was not until then did he realize the importance of teamwork. When he apologized for his arrogant and disrespectful towards others, he was forgiven. “Being accepted by your team give you certain identity,” he maintains, ”those days help me to think as a team and cooperate with others, because no individual hero can stand out without collaboration.“
Secondly, playing sports can nurture an unyielding willpower. When you workout at a gym, you will find an amusing phenomenon: the most common word you hear is” keep on” , the word reflects the core of the sporting spirit. Every time when you want to give up, this word is a panacea. Last month, after I was running for half an hour, I found my heart rate too slow to support any intensive activities. Then I decided to play badminton. When I started to play in the morning, the weather is so hot that the dog put out their tongue and my skirts was soaked with sweat as soon as I was arriving at the gym. I was so feeble that the word “give up” was in my throat for a thousand of times. At this time, my coach encouraged me to finish the excise and then have a rest. In his firm eyes, I read a word – perseverance. Step by step I conquered myself. Eventually, my face turns red and my heart becomes stronger.
No activities teach people more lessons about life than sports do. We cultivate teamwork and unite as one in sports.Also,we learn to overcome difficulty and develop the willpower in physical trainings.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a bookstore sales clerk and a student

[Luschen]

Hi Cathy, I thought this was very good. I really liked your detailed and personal examples. They were very convincing and relevant to the prompt. Most of your writing sounds very natural with a broad vocabulary, though you do have a few minor errors here and there and some word choices that could be improved. This might rate a 5, but I think I would give it a 4.5 - I can’t have you getting too overconfident

@Cathyxu

Topic–Playing sports teaches people more lessons about life.
I cannot agree more with the point that playing sports teaches people more lessons about life. {I think it is more effective to put your thesis statement at the end of your introduction} Sport is an epitome of life --the practice, the mindset, the enjoyment, the failure, the success, the sports spirit–{I would avoid dashes like this in formal essays and stick to semicolons and commas} all the essential ingredients of life are included in sports. When playing sports, you discover yourself and perfect yourself. To specify {“specify” sounds a bit odd, like you are going to tell me which issue} the issue, I would like to cite a few reasons and examples.
To begin with, playing sports can foster a sense of teamwork. We all know that we need to cooperate with others in sports. A great team can never lack effective teamwork. My brother’s example illustrates this point well. My brother Don used to be a child self-sufficient [child]. He was able to manage things by himself,and it never occurred to him that he should depend on others. In his eyes,cooperation[wa]s a cliche. But{some graders do not want you to begin sentences with conjunctions} this was changed when he took part in the basketball team. When he joined the team[, on] in the first day, instead of introducing himself and saying hello to his coach, he went straight to the ball. Then he was[began] practicing playing basketball alone. In the following competitions he was isolated on the bench,{“was isolated on the bench” is a bit unclear - was he sent to the bench to isolate him, or did he sit by himself on an isolated part of the bench?} for he was not an excellent team player. It was not until then did he realize {“It was not until then that he realized” or “Not until then did he realize”} the importance of teamwork. When he apologized for his arrogant and disrespectful [attitude] towards others, he was forgiven. “Being accepted by your team give[s ] you [a] certain identity,” he maintains, ”those days help[ed] me to think as a [member of a] team and cooperate with others, because no individual hero can stand out without collaboration.“
Secondly, playing sports can nurture an unyielding willpower. When you workout{the verb is two words, the noun one} at a gym, you will find an amusing phenomenon: the most common word you hear is” keep on” ,{well, that is actually two words } the word reflects the core of the sporting spirit. Every time when you want to give up, this word is a panacea. Last month, after I was running for half an hour, I found my heart rate too slow to support any intensive activities.{this sounds odd - I don’t think a slow heart rate would prevent you from doing intense activities - just start doing them and I am sure your heart will automatically speed up} Then I decided to play badminton. When I started to play in the morning, the weather is so hot that the dog[s ] put out their tongue[s ] {“dogs were panting” sounds better} and my skirts was soaked with sweat as soon as I was arriv[ed] at the gym.{or what I think you mean “with sweat even before I arrived at the gym”} I was so feeble that the word “give up” was in my throat for a thousand of times. At this time, my coach encouraged me to finish the ex[er]cise and then have a rest. In his firm eyes, I read a word – perseverance. Step by step I conquered myself.{conquered myself sounds odd - maybe “conquered my weakness”} Eventually, my face turn[ed] red and my heart bec[ame] stronger.
No activities teach people more lessons about life than sports do. We cultivate teamwork and unite as one in sports.Also,we learn to overcome difficulty and develop the willpower {or "develop our willpower} in physical trainings.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a bookstore sales clerk and a student

[Cathyxu]

Thanks a lot. Frankly,this is my third edition. I have my essay revised by two Chinese, and after hours of editing, I got this one.
According to our linguistic trdition, we never thought these expressions will be improper.The modification is really helpful. I really love the forum and fall in love with independent writing!
To be frank, my close friend tell me that detailed and personal example is the way Americans use to express ideas, so this kind of examples wil give raters a good impression and the grade will be higher. Now it proves to be true. Thanks!

[Luschen]

Hi, please keep in mind that I am not an official TOEFL or IELTS grader. I have just read a lot of sample essays and writing guides, along with the scoring rubrics for the tests. I think I have a good feel for what the graders are looking for, but I can’t make any guarantees.

[Luschen]

Hi, please keep in mind that I am not an official TOEFL or IELTS grader. I have just read a lot of sample essays and writing guides, along with the scoring rubrics for the tests. I think I have a good feel for what the graders are looking for, but I can’t make any guarantees.

[Cathyxu]

Got it!Thanks!