Please evaluate my essay, Thanks very much

Hello, Luschen

This is my new essay, I hope this is better compared to my previous one though I spend less time to it.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should require students to study many subjects in different fields rather than just their major subjects.

Different person has different interest and preference. Forcing students to study unfavorable subjects is meaningless and will lead them to failure. Universities and schools have an obligation to be a supporter not a commander. Students should have right to choose the fields they want to attend, and concentrate solely on the subjects they choose. Therefore, I absolutely disagree that various subjects and different fields are needed for students.

One reason I oppose that various subjects and different fields are needed for students is that it drastically distracts students. Human is not the machine which can do anything without inspiration and emotion, not to mention that we also have different personality and specialty. To illustrate this, if I am good at mathematics, I would want to learn the subjects which relate to the calculation, studying history of arts instead will really disturbs me. As the result, the students who cannot endure this stubborn practice will express by skipping classes and ignoring to study in universities because they are not offered what they want to learn; it is natural that we deny what we hate. However, allowing students to choose their major subjects freely will encourage them to study more intensively. They will be able to focus on their favorite subjects which will cause many benefits.

Another reason I disagree that various subjects and different fields are needed for students is that many students cannot afford expensive cost. It is utterly certain that more subjects more budgets students and their parents have to expend. Nowadays, there are many students who have to aid their parent to make money. Leaving students no choice but to attend in many fields is an ashamed rule. Considering that not only tuition will greatly rise, there will be more materials and equipment which are necessary for each field. It will be very ridiculous if my main intention is to study mathematics but I have to spend my valuable money on high-end computer for computer graphic classes. In addition, presumably taking different fields in the same day, students must carry heavy materials and tools for each class, this is very inconvenient and may even causes harm to students.

In conclusion, an attempt to dominate students by forcing them to enroll in different fields is reckless action. There is no point to teach what the students do not like. Universities are not elementary school, and students in universities are not little children either. Everyone needs to do what they like in order to perform full capability as well as students.

TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student probably do with her next paper?

Hi Waltz, I liked your essay, but you have a few too many errors and odd sounding phrases to get a top grade. I think your vocabulary is good, but you have misused a few words. You also have that repetitive phrase that grated on me. Still, you have some good ideas and generally express them in a well organized manner. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

Hello, Luschen

Should I use “first of all” and “more over” or “furthermore” again and stop repeating my position? By the ways, could you please rephrase “various subjects and different fields are needed for students” for me?

Hi Waltz, no you definitely should directly refer to the prompt. This is where having a good vocabulary comes in, as the essay is partly testing your ability to come up with good synonyms and rephrasings.

These topic sentences would add a bit of variety “One reason students should not be forced to take courses in many disciplines is this that and the other”, “Another reason why students should not be required to study subjects outside of their major is this that and the other.”, “Finally, this that and the other also shows that universities should not prevent students from concentrating exclusively on their specialty”,