please correct my third IELTS essay,thank you very much!

The topic is “In some countries,some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period of time before going to the university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for those school leavers’ decision. Give your own opinion and reasons using your own experience.”

Every year, after the university entrance exam,considerable students who graduate from senior high school will spend several days traveraling,what is quite common in foreign countries,while in China,it is a rare phenomenon. However,this situation has been changed a lot,a growing number of high school students are willing to go out of the hometown to travel or working rather than leave at home playing computer games or continuing to learn new knowledges by themselves.

To some extent,the best way to learn extra knowledge out of textbooks is working in variety of ranges of workplace,as well as traveling all over the world. A lot of pratical experience like skills can not acquire from textbooks even school learning. While working experience sometimes will accumulate slowly from students’ daily work. It looks absolutely abstract materials that students can master little of them from your tutor and then they should practise endlessly until they have known them well completely. After students have owned some working skills,they will study further knowledge quicker than who haven’t. pratical experience plus theoretical knowledge will become a successful scholar and a worker. Refer to traveling,different cultures and customs will broden students’ horizon. There is an old saying”seeing is believing”.That is may be true. If students always stay at the same place,their scope is limited that may seriousely influenced the realisation of the world. They need contact with nature and various society to preparing their further research report. The more realisation on society they have,the more valuable report they will be.

Every coin has two sides,in other words,working or traveling after high school study for high school leavers is not a wise choice,there is many shortcomings on it. For example,students can only do some part job in summer holiday,meanwhile,they don’t have enough time to learn systemic work procedure,in a word,they spend much time on working,while less rewards and limited skills they had. Otherwise,traveling is more dangerouse than working and students had to waste amount of their parents’ money,whether they obtain new knowledge from outside the world is uncertain.

Whether high leavers should follow this trend is lied on students’ interest and pratical situation. University is a place to advanced preparation of steping into the society. Before students get into university,they should put more energy on further research in advance. The former experience is important to later college study.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university adviser and a student

Hi Candy, I am sorry, but this essay was a little frustrating for me to read. In some parts, like in your first body paragraph, it seems like you were answering the prompt. But other parts of your essay like the introduction and second body paragraph seemed to be talking about several different issues, most of which skirted around the prompt. You had a lot of odd and awkward sounding phrases and a few sentences I could really not understand at all. I am afraid I would only rate this a band 4 or 5.

Hi,Luschen! Do you mean the layout and the content of the whole essay is not well? And how to avoid using awkward sounding phrases?