PLEASE correct my essay (TOEFL)

[Futhay]

Imagine that you received some land to use as you wish. How would you use this land?

  In my opinion, every person has some ideas on how to use a small part of land, even if he/she has a lack of experience in this subject. Many persons would try to use this land for their own purposes, like building a pool, a house or even a garage for their car. The point is that every person is thinking only at his/her well-being. I am gladly to say that I am not that kind of person. I love to share everything with others. Therefore, I think that the best way to use some land received is to build something that can used by any other person. A good idea would be to build a playground for all the children from my neighborhood or a place where people are able to go and exercise.

  
  First of all, I have to say that a child needs a place where to spend his time playing. A playground would be a great idea because he will be able to play outside and to enjoy the fresh air. Besides this, he will have the opportunity to meet other children and to make new friends. I think that this is the best way for a child to develop his communicating and socializing skills. I believe that things like these will encourage a child’s parents to take him more often in a place like this.


  Secondly, I will expose the reasons of choosing to build a place for exercises. We all know that nowadays the human being is concerned about his job and he focuses a lot on this subject. Because every person tries to improve his life by working harder and harder, he/she forgets about the other small things that are part from his/her life. For example, on these days, people cares less about their body and don’t pay too much attention to all exercises that should be done daily. Some of the most important causes are: time spent commuting between job, home and gym and the fact that usually people have to pay to do some exercise at a gym. Therefore, I think that building a place to exercise will save some time and some money for the neighbors. 


  In conclusion, I have to say that the most beautiful way to use some land received is to build something that every person can enjoy it, not only you.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation in a campus cafeteria

[Luschen]

Hi, I enjoyed your essay. Your writing is very clear and well organized. Please see my concerns about your second body paragraph. Your vocabulary is a bit basic, but you don’t have too many usage errors. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Futhay

Imagine that you received some land to use as you wish. How would you use this land?

  In my opinion, every person has some ideas on how to use a small [s]part[/s][piece] of land, even if he/she has a lack of experience in this subject. Many persons would try to use this land for their own purposes, like building a pool, a house or even a garage for their car. The point is that every person is thinking only [s]at[/s][of] his/her well-being. I am glad[s]ly[/s] to say that I am not that kind of person. I love to share everything with others. Therefore, I think that the best way to use some land [I] received is to build something that can used by any other person. A good idea would be to build a playground for all the children from my neighborhood or a place where people are able to go and exercise.

  
  First of all, I have to say that a child needs a place where [s]to[/s][he can] spend his time playing. A playground would be a great idea because he will be able to play outside and to enjoy the fresh air. Besides this, he will have the opportunity to meet other children and to make new friends. I think that this is the best way for a child to develop his communicating and socializing skills. I believe that things like these will encourage a child’s parents to take him more often [s]in[/s][to] a place like this.


  Secondly, I will expose{"expose" sounds odd here} the reasons of choosing to build a place for exercises. We all know that nowadays the human being{"human being" sounds odd here, just say "people are"} is concerned about his job and he focuses a lot on this subject. Because every person tries to improve his life by working harder and harder, he/she forgets about the other small things that are part [s]from[/s][of] his/her life. For example, on these days, people cares less about their body and don’t pay too much attention to all exercises that should be done daily. Some of the most important causes are:{no colon} time spent commuting between job, home and gym and the fact that usually people have to pay to do some exercise at a gym. Therefore, I think that building a place to exercise will save some time and some money for the neighbors. {this paragraph seemed to stray a little bit away from the prompt - you started writing an essay about the benefits of exercise - I am not sure how this would affect your grade on the real test}


  In conclusion, I have to say that the most beautiful way to use some land [you] received is to build something that every person can enjoy it, not only you.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation in a campus cafeteria