please correct my essay. thank you :D

[Hohuyentrang]

Topic: Nowadays, the proportion of the crimes committed by youngsters is on the rise. Discuss causes to this problem and suggest solution.

The alarming rise in juvenile crimes has been a heated subject in recent years. This raises an open question what gives rise to it and how this problem is dealt with. In my opinion, the environment-related issues and the increase exposure to violence has led youngsters to committing crimes.

The first point to note is that family plays a decisive role in making a great contribution to moulding youngsters’ behaviors. That is to say, parents are the initial ones who set an example to children. Youngsters have a tendency to get violently aggressive if suffering the ongoing violence within the family. Furthermore, because of being too busy with earning livings, some parents seemingly take little notice of their offspring. The lack of parental discipline and loving care are the root causes of their becoming hostile and getting involved in violence.

Nowadays, youngsters are living in the world which undergoes many dramatic changes in high technology, particularly Internet. Besides the positive effects, it also has an adverse influence on them. This increases the likelihood, to be more specific, that youngsters highly expose to the violent videos or sexual scenes. This is one of the main factors which pose many juvenile delinquents such as robberies, rape or even murder.

There is thus a strong call for the measures solving this problem. Firstly, parents have to take responsibility in instilling the strict disciplines into youngsters and restrain them from approaching the pornographic videos or games. Secondly, It is to their benefit that every member of a family should take care for each other in order to get to know each other. Lastly, it is of great importance that youngsters implement the strict control on themselves to have a good behavior and manner.

As suggested above, home environment and media exert a major impart on juveniles.
Therefore, I am convinced that it is the individual and collective responsibility that put a limitation on juvenile crimes.

TOEFL listening lectures: What does the professor say about utopian socialists?

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good. I think you had an effective structure and your writing was generally clear and convincing. You did have a few errors in some expressions and some mistakes in articles as well as a few other issues. Is this for the IELTS? If so I would rate it a band 6.5 - almost a 7.

@Hohuyentrang

Topic: Nowadays, the proportion of the crimes committed by youngsters is on the rise. Discuss causes to this problem and suggest solution.

The alarming rise in juvenile crimes has been a heated subject in recent years. This raises an open question [as to] what gives rise to it [this phenomenon] and how this problem is [should be] dealt with. In my opinion, the environment-related issues and the increase[d ] exposure to violence has led youngsters to committing crimes.

The first point to note is that [the] family plays a decisive role in making a great contribution {these two phrases sound odd together} to moulding youngsters’ behaviors. That is to say, parents are the initial ones who set an example to[for] children. Youngsters have a tendency to get violently aggressive if suffering[they suffer] the ongoing violence within the family. Furthermore, because of being too busy with earning livings[a living], some parents seemingly take little notice of their offspring. The lack of parental discipline and loving care are the root causes of their [children] {it sounded like you were talking about the parents} becoming hostile and getting involved in violence.

{you need a transition here} Nowadays, youngsters are living in the [a] world which[that] undergoes many dramatic changes in high technology, particularly [the] Internet. Besides the positive effects, it also has an adverse influence on them. This increases the likelihood, to be more specific,{this “to be more specific” sounds odd inserted here} that youngsters [will be] highly expose[d ] to the violent videos or sexual scenes. This is one of the main factors which pose {“pose” does not really work here - you can’t pose a person, you pose a problem} many juvenile delinquents such as robberies, rape or even murder.

There is thus a strong call for the measures solving[to solve] this problem. Firstly, parents have to take responsibility in instilling the strict disciplines into youngsters and restrain them from approaching the pornographic videos or games. Secondly, It is to their benefit that every member of a family should take care for[of] each other in order to get to know each other.{this sounds a bit odd, as if members of the same family could be strangers} Lastly, it is of great importance that youngsters implement the strict control on themselves to have a good behavior and manner.

As suggested above, [both] home environment and media exert a major impa[ct] on juveniles.
Therefore, I am convinced that it is the individual and collective responsibility that put a limitation on juvenile crimes. {this sentence sounds pretty odd to me}

TOEFL listening lectures: What does the professor say about utopian socialists?

[Hohuyentrang]

Thank you for your advice! I’ll try to avoid these errors.