Please correct my essay:Developing space technology or solving the basics, thanks

[Lvar]

Topic: Some people think that government should spend as much money as possible on developing space technology for the exploration of the moon and other planets. Others think that this money should be spent on solving the basic problems of society on Earth.

Essay:
Should government spend money as much as possible on developing space technology for the outer space exploration or on solving the problems of human society? I believe that both the space exploration and finding solutions for issues on Earth are important for the human race. If we should set the priority for both activities, solving the basic problems, such as famine, wars, economical crisis and diseases, is more critical than the space exploration.

Solving economical problems lays foundations for the space exploration, since the health development of economy provides necessary financial supports for space programs. For example, the rover named Curiosity was successfully landed on Mars last week. This program launched by NASA costs tens of millions of dollars. Without the healthy economy development of the USA, the cast of this space project can not be covered by the government budget.

Spending as much money as possible on developing space technology will deteriorate social problems, if the problems are neglected. For instance, the Soviet Union spent a large amount of money on its space program, which leaded to the inadequate development of its economy, declining of people’s living standards and other severe social problems. In the end, the Union was disintegrated to parts.

Admittedly, some people may claim that well developed space technologies can be used for civilian industries. In return, the economy development will be boosted. However, the space technology takes years to develop and then becomes applicable to civilian industries. The long period of investment return will make social problems severer.

In sum, the development of space technology and solving social issues are both important to us. Space technology is for the long term development of the human race; solving social issues has instant effects on own everyday lives. In my point of view, we should tackle problems that are more related to us first.

TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday?

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought your essay was quite good. Your introduction was not very creative, but your body paragraphs and conclusion were better. You had good organization and your arguments were relevant to the prompt. You had a problem with economical and some other word usage errors. Your grammar is not too bad, but you did have some phrases that sounded a bit unnatural. Overall, I would rate this essay a 3.5 out of 5.

@Lvar

Topic: Some people think that government should spend as much money as possible on developing space technology for the exploration of the moon and other planets. Others think that this money should be spent on solving the basic problems of society on Earth.

Essay:
Should government spend money as much [money] as possible on developing space technology for the outer space exploration or on solving the problems of human society? I believe that both the space exploration and finding solutions for issues on Earth are important for the human race. If we should set the priority for both activities,{this sounds like you are saying both should have priority - maybe “If we are wise in setting priorities, solving …”} solving the basic problems, such as famine, wars, economical crisis and diseases{the singular is better here}, is more critical than the space exploration. {this introduction did not really “grab” me - there was a bit of repetition and not much creativity}

Solving economical {“economical” means inexpensive or a good value} problems lays foundations for the space exploration, since the health[y ] development of [the] economy provides necessary financial supports[support] for space programs. For example, the rover named Curiosity was successfully landed on Mars last week. This program launched by NASA costs tens of millions of dollars. Without the healthy econom[ic] development of the USA, the cast [scope] of this space project can not be {“could not have been” is better} covered by the government budget.

Spending as much money as possible on developing space technology will deteriorate {this is unclear here, as it might mean the social problems would whither away - maybe “exacerbate”} social problems, if the problems are neglected. For instance, the Soviet Union spent a large amount of money on its space program, which leaded[led] to the inadequate development of its economy, declining of{“a decline in” sounds better} [their] people’s living standards and other severe social problems. In the end, the Union was {the passive voice does not really work here} disintegrated [in]to parts.

Admittedly, some people may claim that well developed space technologies can be used for civilian industries. In return, the economy development [of the economy] will be boosted. However, the space technology takes years to develop and then[before it] becomes applicable to civilian industries. The long period of investment return will make social problems severer{this is not a word, say “more severe”}.

In sum, the development of space technology and solving social issues are both important to us. Space technology is for the long term development of the human race; solving social issues has instant effects on own everyday lives. In my point of view, we should tackle problems that are more related to us first. {I really liked this conclusion}

TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday?

[Lvar]

Thank you Luschen. I am so happy that you pointed out my errors.
I used the words like ‘economical’, ‘severe’, ‘led’, ‘support’ and ‘exploration’ without certainty. Now I understand how to use them correctly.
I guess ‘exacerbate’ is for social problems; ‘deteriorate’ is for biological systems, illness, for example.
Any suggestions about how to write an exellent essay? In your correction, creativity, natural phrases and grammar are important ingredients.
Have a nice day
Lvar

[Luschen]

@Lvar

Thank you Luschen. I am so happy that you pointed out my errors.
I used the words like ‘economical’, ‘severe’, ‘led’, ‘support’ and ‘exploration’ without certainty. Now I understand how to use them correctly.
I guess ‘exacerbate’ is for social problems; ‘deteriorate’ is for biological systems, illness, for example.
Any suggestions about how to write an exellent essay? In your correction, creativity, natural phrases and grammar are important ingredients.
Have a nice day
Lvar

Hi, exacerbate is not necessarily for social problems and deteriorate for biological systems. Exacerbate means to make something worse. Something that starts off bad will become even worse. The external cause is what is doing the exacerbating. “If you keep starching, you will exacerbate that rash.”

Deteriorate usually refers to something that started out good or whole or complete, but is gradually falling apart or getting to a state that is not as good. The object itself is doing the deteriorating. “If you keep scratching, the condition of your skin will deteriorate”

Another example:

“The bombing exacerbated the conflict between the two countries.” It started off bad and got even worse, the bombing is doing the exacerbating - deteriorated would not work here}

“After the bombing, the relations between the two countries deteriorated.” {It may have started off ok, but now is getting worse - the countries are doing the deteriorating, exacerbated would not work here.}

[Lvar]

Thank you Luschen. Here is how I understand them now:
exacerbate: from bad to worse
deteriorate: from good to bad