please correct and rate my toefl essay, thanks a lot!

Some famous athletes and entertainers earn millions of dollars every year. Do you think these people deserve such high salaries? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

In my opinion, well-known athletes and entertainers should be paid for such a huge amount of money since these people provide audiences so many exciting and extraordinary performances. Someone says “ high profit follows by high risk”. Some works of famous people are extremely dangerous. Some products attract people because of famous people.

As a good athlete, one must have been through a tough process. How could a athlete become famous without any efforts. All the athletes fight for the victory and fame by sacrificing their free time in practice and taking the risk of injury. In additions, some entertainers perform dangerously special skill in the movie. Although the audiences might see the perfectly done masterpiece, how much tear and sweat behind the success remains unknown. Therefore, paying high remunerations to the famous athletes and entertainers is the best way to compliment on what they do.

Many advertisers tend to invite famous people being their representatives for the products. Generally, an endorsement voiced by celebrity will be much more persuasive. David Beckham, for instance, endorsed for the Samsung mobile during the period of the Olympics held in London. After seeing the commercial, many people, who are fond of Beckham, start to purchase the smart phone which endorsed by Beckham. According to the exceeding income from the advertisement of celebrity, the advertiser is supposed to pay such a large fortune.

Moreover, if the board of a team, such as Lakers, does not provide an appealing contract which guarantees how much a player will receive during the certain period, this talented player will definitely be lured away by others. Similarly, entertainers, such as singers and actors, incline to the biggest and longest contract, ensuring their lives will sustain. Hence, millions of dollars pay for the famous people as salary seems not an odd phenomena.

Ultimately, although some people regard the celebrities as ordinary civilians, they actually contribute to the economy of the world. An athlete receives high salary because of high risk of getting hurt. The advertiser pays huge amount of money to a celebrity since the eventual profits will outweigh the cost of hiring these famous people. Finally, the competitive contract war is the basic cause of the high salary of famous people.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Natural History

Hi, I thought this essay was very good. I started out a little rough with your introductin and first body paragraph, but it seemed to get better after that and I really liked your conclusion. Your grammar is not too bad, apart from a few minor errors. You do have some sentences that sound a bit odd or unnatural though. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

I appreciate for your revise and will try to do better next time ~

Thank you very much !