Please correct and rate my toefl essay, an seeming easy topic...

Guojhihying · September 19, 2012, 4:54pm

Agree or disagree. It is impossible to completely honest to your friends.

When considering the issue of whether to be completely honest with our friends, I strongly approve that it is definitely impossible to totally truthful to our friends. What’s more, there are three aspects required to be taken into account. First, we cannot live without friends. Second, there are pros and cons of telling the truth to people. Lastly, the lie is needed in some situations.

To begin with, in addition to our family, friends play an indispensable role in our lives and they are secondarily intimate to us. For example, we share secrets, such as one of our friends went on a date with a girl in other class yesterday, with them. When I am happy about something, I invite my fellows to have a dinner and watch a ball game together. On the other hand, when I am in a low tide, my brothers come to my house to encourage me, and cheer me up. As we were students, we prepared for the exam together, helped each other with the difficult subjects. We trust in each other; there is no lies and secrets between us. I cannot imagine that how horrible the situation will be if anyone of us does not honest.

Additionally, we believe that nobody would like to be cheated, and friends are not supposed to tell lies. The sole way to maintain a long-term interpersonal relationship is to behavior frankly. Nevertheless, it is not always appropriate to tell the truth since sometimes the fact will endanger a friendship or even the interpersonal network. For instance, Jeff, my high school classmate, cheated on the history exam. I saw him received a note and passed it down. I thought it is not fair to me since I studied hard for history exam. I told teacher about what Jeff did. He got zero on that test. Jeff never talked to me and even despises me since then. I was so regret and thought I could have better way to deal with the dilemma, such as to tell him it was not equal for others in private. Therefore, telling the truth is not certainly beneficial to a relationship under some circumstances.

At last, I believe that it is impossible to be completely truthful with our friends as a result of we have to protect the people we love. For instance, Sarah, my best friend, was dumped by his boyfriend and she was so frustrated. Sarah did not want to inform other friends since she knew lots of people only care about the gossip. I promised her to keep it in secret because I realized that even if the purpose of other friends is to comfort, the more details they know, the more harm to Sarah. Therefore, I advocate the necessity of telling a lie to our friends for particular reasons.

To sum up, although some people might say there are still alternatives to avoid telling lies, for me, it is necessary and appropriate to tell a white based on different situations. We cannot survive without friends in this stressful society and we are eager to have a powerful and firm interpersonal network so we may tell white lies sometimes. Were I to say whether it is no possible to be entirely honest with our friend, I would strongly respond “YES”.

TOEFL listening lectures: To which entertainment does the lecturer not relate Greek drama?

Luschen · September 20, 2012, 2:33am

Hi, I think your writing ability is excellent and this essay sounded very natural and had only a few errors. Still, I did not think it was very good because most of it did not address the prompt correctly. The prompt talks about being honest to your friends, which you state is impossible. Yet none of your paragraphs really support this statement. Your first says that friends are important, your second says you wished you had avoided telling the truth to your teacher to protect your friend (I don’t think remaining silent is really equivalent to lying anyway) and the third talks about how friends need to keep each other’s secrets, which does not involve lying either. I just don’t think you have really given any evidence to support your thesis at all.

Guojhihying:

Agree or disagree. It is impossible to completely honest to your friends.

When considering the issue of whether to be completely honest with our friends, I strongly approve{“agree” is better} that it is definitely impossible to [be] totally truthful to our friends. What’s more, there are three aspects required to be taken into account. First, we cannot live without friends. Second, there are pros and cons of telling the truth to people. Lastly, the lie {“that lying” sounds better} is needed in some situations.

To begin with, in addition to our family, friends play an indispensable role in our lives and they are secondarily intimate to us. For example, we share secrets, such as one of our friends went on a date with a girl in [an]other class yesterday, with them. When I am happy about something, I invite my fellows to have a dinner and watch a ball game together. On the other hand, when I am in a low tide,{“in a low tide” is not really an English idiom - maybe “at a low point”} my brothers come to my house to encourage me, and cheer me up. As we were students, we prepared for the exam[s ] together [and] helped {or “together, helping each”} each other with the difficult subjects. We trust in each other; there is[are] no lies and secrets between us. I cannot imagine that how horrible the situation will be if anyone of us does not honest.

{this paragraph does not seem to have much to do with the prompt - how does this reinforce your thesis? Your thesis says it is impossible to be honest with your friends, but here you say how horrible it would be to be dishonest to your friends. A paragraph like this would need to have a topic sentence like “friendships are so important that they are worth telling a lie to preserve the friendships”.

Additionally, we believe that nobody would like to be cheated, and friends are not supposed to tell lies. {this topic sentence should give a reason supporting your thesis - I don’t really see a reason here} The sole way to maintain a long-term interpersonal relationship is to behav[e ] frankly. Nevertheless, it is not always appropriate to tell the truth since sometimes the fact will endanger a friendship or even the interpersonal network. For instance, Jeff, my high school classmate, cheated on the[our] history exam. I saw him received[receive] a note and passed it down. I thought it is[was] not fair to me since I studied hard for [that] history exam. I told [our] teacher about what Jeff did. He got [a] zero on that test. Jeff never talked to me and [has] even despise[d ] me since then. I was so regret[ful] and thought I could have [chosen a] better way to deal with the dilemma, such as to tell him it was not equal[fair to] for others in private. Therefore, telling the truth is not certainly beneficial to a relationship under some circumstances. {The prompt says “being honest to your friends” - this example was not about being honest to your friend, it was about being honest with your teacher about your friend - I don’t think it is that applicable to the prompt}

At last, I believe that it is impossible to be completely truthful with our friends as a result of we have [our having] to protect the people we love. For instance, Sarah, my best friend, was dumped by his[her] boyfriend and she was so frustrated. Sarah did not want to inform [her] other friends since she knew lots of people only care[d ] about the gossip. I promised her to keep it in secret because I realized that even if the purpose of other friends is[was] to comfort, the more details they kn[ew], the more harm to Sarah. {this example took place in the past, so all the verbs need to be past tense} Therefore, I advocate the necessity of telling a lie to our friends for particular reasons. {how did this example involve lying? Did you have to lie to your friends to protect this secret? If so, make this explicit}

To sum up, although some people might say there are still alternatives to avoid telling lies, for me, it is necessary and appropriate to tell a white [lie] based on different situations. We cannot survive without friends in this stressful society and we are eager to have a powerful and firm interpersonal network so we may tell white lies sometimes. Were I to say whether it is no[t ] possible to be entirely honest with our friend, I would strongly respond “YES”. {wording a statement like this in the negative is a bit confusing - “If I were asked if this was not a good essay, I would have to say YES” }

TOEFL listening lectures: To which entertainment does the lecturer not relate Greek drama?

Guojhihying · September 20, 2012, 4:05am

Thanks for your comments, but there are some part of the comments confuse me.

1.“I think your writing ability is excellent and this essay sounded very natural and had only a few errors.” Do you really mean I did a good gob in this essay?

2.“If I were asked if this was not a good essay, I would have to say YES”

except for the lack of supporting example, is it that bad for the rest of the essay?

by the way, please rate my essay.

Sorry for writing an awful essay,

Honestly, I am not a native English speaker so I will practice harder.

Thanks a lot.

Luschen · September 20, 2012, 12:04pm

Hi, I think the quality of your writing was very good, but the content did not address the prompt correctly. I am sorry I was perhaps a bit too tough on you. But it is frustrating because you are such a good writer, I would hate to see you get a bad score because you did not give and explain reasons that correctly answer the prompt. The TOEFL scoring rubric gives this description of a level 2 essay:

limited development in response to the topic and task

inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations, or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task

I think these descriptions fit your essay, so you would probably score a 2 out of 5. Your writing quality is good enough to get a 4 though if you answer the prompt correctly. I don’t know if the problem is “practicing harder”, I just think you need to make sure you are answering what the prompt asks.

Guojhihying · September 21, 2012, 6:25am

Agree or disagree. It is impossible to completely honest to your friends.

When considering the issue of whether to be completely honest with our friends, I strongly agree that it is definitely impossible to be totally truthful to our friends. What’s more, there are three aspects required to be taken into account. First, we cannot live without friends. Second, there are pros and cons of telling the truth to people. Lastly, lying is needed in some situations.

To begin, in addition to our family, friends play an indispensable role in our lives, and they are secondarily intimate to us. Friends share many sort of information with each other. For instance, as we were students, we talked about our secrets, such as one of us cheated on the math test, and current gossips, such as someone saw the most beautiful girl in our school went on a movie with a guy. My friends and I have a unbreakable trust connection, that is, we believed that none of us will leak the secret. However, as we grew older, I gradually realized that there is always something I cannot tell to others, even my best fellows. For instance, I was deciding to study abroad after I graduated from high school, but almost my best friends wanted to stay in hometown. I definitely could not tell them about my decision since I knew no one would understand. I told them this news a week before my departure. Although they were mad at me, they finally compromised to my determination. Hence, we are not supposed to be entirely honest with our friends as a result of the truth sometimes hurt people’s feelings.

Additionally, I believe the notion that nobody in this world would be pleasure to be deceived and especially friends are supposed to tell the truth. Albeit the best way to maintain a good friendship or the interpersonal relationship is to behave frankly, as the majority believed, it is not permanently beneficial under every circumstance. For instance, my friend Mike and I love basketball. Once Mike asked me to bid a pair of rare sneakers on the auction website, I discovered that those are my favorite shoes; however, there was solely one pair available so I lied to Mike and said that pair of shoes were sold out. Whereas there is no secret between us, under this circumstance, lying to him was an ideal way to retain our fellowships. It is true we are not able to tell the truth to our friends.

Lastly, I am convinced that the necessity of lying to our friends exists. We lie to protect the people we love. We deceive to give our friends confidence in their lives. For example, Sarah, my best female friend, was overweight when we were high school student. She knew and she endeavored to lose her weight; nonetheless, the variation was not that obvious but I still had to encourage her. I lied to her about she was getting slimmer day after day so as to give her confidence in maintaining her determination. Hence, lying is necessary and will not entirely disappear within friends.

To sum up, although some people might say there are still alternatives to avoid telling lies, for me, it is necessary and appropriate to tell a white lie based on different situations. In case of the protection for our beloved friends, lying is inevitable and will not be thoroughly transparent.

Luschen · September 21, 2012, 1:16pm

Hi, I thought this was much better. Your ideas were a lot more clear to me and focused on the prompt. I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Guojhihying:

Agree or disagree. It is impossible to completely honest to your friends.

When considering the issue of whether to be completely honest with our friends, I strongly agree that it is definitely impossible to be totally truthful to our friends. What’s more, there are three aspects required to be taken into account. First, we cannot live without friends. Second, there are pros and cons of telling the truth to people. Lastly, lying is needed in some situations.

To begin, in addition to our family, friends play an indispensable role in our lives, and they are secondarily intimate{“secondarily intimate” is unclear to me - what do you mean?} to us. Friends share many sort[s ] of information with each other. For instance, as{“when” is better here} we were students, we talked about our secrets, such as one of us cheat[ing] on the math test, and current gossips, such as someone s[eeing] the most beautiful girl in our school went[going] on[to] a movie with a guy. My friends and I have a unbreakable trust connection, that is, we believed that none of us will{“… had … would …” seems better here} leak the secret. However, as we grew older, I gradually realized that there is always something I cannot tell to others, even my best fellows. For instance, I was deciding to study abroad after I graduated from high school, but almost [all] my best friends wanted to stay in [our] hometown. I definitely could not tell them about my decision since I knew no one would understand. I told them this news a week before my departure. Although they were mad at me, they finally compromised to[complimented be on] {is this what you meant?} my determination. Hence, we are not supposed to[cannot always] be entirely honest with our friends as a result of[since] the truth sometimes hurt[s ] people’s feelings.

Additionally, I believe the notion that nobody in this world would be pleasure{“happy” or “glad” or “pleased”} to be deceived and especially friends [especially] {putting especially here means you are stressing the friends part, not the telling the truth part} are supposed to tell the truth. Albeit the best way to maintain a good friendship or the interpersonal relationship is to behave frankly, as the majority believed[believe], it is not permanently beneficial under every circumstance. For instance, my friend Mike and I love basketball. Once Mike asked me to bid [on] a pair of rare sneakers on the[an] auction website, I discovered that those are my favorite shoes; however, there was solely one pair available so I lied to Mike and said that pair of shoes were sold out. Whereas there is no secret between us, under this circumstance, lying to him was an ideal way to retain our fellowships[fellowship]. It is true we are not able to tell the truth to our friends. {so did you buy the shoes for yourself?}

Lastly, I am convinced that the necessity of lying to our friends [to help them] exists. We lie to protect the people we love. We deceive to give our friends confidence in their lives. For example, Sarah, my best female friend, was overweight when we were high school student[s ]. She knew and she endeavored to lose her weight; nonetheless, the variation{“progress” seems better here} was not that obvious but I still had to encourage her. I lied to her about she was [her] getting slimmer day after day so as to give her confidence in maintaining her determination. Hence, lying is necessary and will not entirely disappear within[amongst] friends.

To sum up, although some people might say there are still alternatives to avoid telling lies, for me, it is necessary and appropriate to tell a white lie based on different situations. In case of the protection for our beloved friends, lying is inevitable and will not be thoroughly transparent. {what does the not be thoroughly transparent - that they will know we are lying? Is this a benefit or drawback?}