Please correct and rate my essay Luschen, 3 days left for the exam.

Topic:In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Some people think that governments must exploit each inch from its land. While others believe that they should not use any of the nature land. This issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion a closer examination reveals that governments should not take advantage of any additional land for building housing and indurty. Personally, I believe that Israel’s land should be left in its natural condition. I believe this way for two imperative reason: first, the space is enough for the population, and second, to prevent raise of the pollution.

To begin with, it is critical to consider the citizens’ number. There are approximately seven million person living in Israel, so there is no need for more land. To elucidate, I live in the country-side in a village which contain about one thousand person, and our village neighbours’ population resembles my village. Consequently, if the government invest into new housing lands, that would be waste of money because there is no need for new placeses. However, It is important to mention that small villages have a vulnerable authority which does not have much money, so envision that the government have build new villages and cities. By way of example, I can recall the day when my village has connected to the neighbour village so they can be one ministry. That happened because both the villages doesn’t contain a lot of citizens.

In addition to the significance of the euffiecient land use to Israel’s citizens, the percentage of the population who are suffering from diseases which are caused by pollution are increasing. To demonstrate, If israel’s government invest into building new factories, that will increse the possibility of health jeopardy for the citizens. Hence, instead of using these land for building industrial speaces, leaving the land and maintaing the natural resources as the original is more superior and less hazard for people health. For instance, according to the researches, 40% of Haifa’s inhabitants are suffering from astha disease, and also there are are abundance of people who are suffering from cancer. While on the country –side where people are closer to free lands, people are breathing fresh air and embracing more space. Thus, the government should not build any plants, instead just leave the lands free.

By way of conclusion, based on the arguments explored above, I am of the opiniont that Isreal should leave the natural lands as they are, and not to build any houses or industy. All in all, investing into housing and industry will only cause a vulnerable health conditions. In the same maner, the state will encounter economic loss.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and an employee in the university registrar’s office

Hi Eliasbit, I thought this essay was pretty good. You sort of lost me in the first body paragraph - I guess you were saying that there are a lot of small towns that could grow larger, so new towns don’t need to be created, but this wasn’t really stated that clearly. You still have a lot of minor errors like misspelled words and incorrect prepositions, though all of your writing is clear and understandable. I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

I believe this way for two imperative reason[s ]: first, the space is enough for the population, and second, to [development will increase] prevent raise of the pollution. {you had a sentence and an infinitive - now it is two sentences}
[color=blue]*you wrote the same comment on my other essay, but I don’t understand what you mean by
{you had a sentence and an infinitive - now it is two sentences}?
*to remove the “to” after “and second”, right?

{this paragraph was going well until these last two sentences - I don’t really see what two small villages merging have to do with not developing wilderness areas}
[color=blue]*When the village or city have more inhabitants, the government will invest into more projects so the village’s or city’s authority will have more money and power so they can make internal investment.
I should write this in the essay before the example.

Thank you so much Luschen.

I believe this way for two imperative reason[s ]: first, the space is enough for the population, and second, to [development will increase] prevent raise of the pollution. {you had a sentence and an infinitive - now it is two sentences}
[color=blue]*you wrote the same comment on my other essay, but I don’t understand what you mean by
{you had a sentence and an infinitive - now it is two sentences}?
*to remove the “to” after “and second”, right?

{this paragraph was going well until these last two sentences - I don’t really see what two small villages merging have to do with not developing wilderness areas}
[color=blue]*When the village or city have more inhabitants, the government will invest into more projects so the village’s or city’s authority will have more money and power so they can make internal investment.
I should write this in the essay before the example.

Thank you so much Luschen.