Please correct and rate my essay for toelf~~thank you

Do you agree with the following statement: young adult nowadays spend more time on improving the world than they did in the past.

Have you ever noticed our world has become more convenient with the development of modern technology? Have you ever known that more and more young volunteers are devoted to all various programs than that in the past? Have you ever realized that our surrounding environment have change for better? Actually, my answers to these questions are yes because I always believe that our young adult nowadays spend more time on improving the world than they did in the past.

To begin with, our lives become more convenient with the young people’s efforts. The reason why I say so is because they devote lots of their time to research and invent more new technology to change our life. For instance, the invention of cell phone changed our life a lot and it not only connect people, making it possible for a mom to speak to her faraway son anytime, but also with the developing of 3G technology, cell phone could be used as a personal access to scan everyday news and even locate google map for direction.

Furthermore, more young people are participating into all kinds of volunteer programs nowadays to improve our living condition to bring more harmony to our world. I was once a member of AIESEC, which is an non-profit organization that its goal is to promote the world peace and make the different people all over the world try to understand and communicate with each other. So that is why we can see lots of young adults especially for college students join in this program to help those poor children in the African learn and express their kindness to every corner of the world. Through their effort, our world becomes more harmonious than that in the past.

Last but not the least, our surrounding environment has improved dramastically through the hard work of many kind young people. There are few young people caring about our living environments, they just spend lots of their leisure time playing computer games to listening to pop music. Fortunately, the situation has been totally changed and enormous numbers of young adults are doing their utmost to the projects of protecting environment, such as attending the international conference to let the world hear the true feeling of young people.

In conclusion, the young people do lots of things like developing the new technology, participating various programs as well as improving the environment to make our world better than that in the past.

TOEFL listening discussions: What position does Cindy play?

Hi Carolyn, I really enjoyed reading your essay. It makes me want to go out there and solve the world’s problems! Your essay is very creative and very effective in supporting your thesis. You do have some odd sounding phrases though and in your third body paragraph you made it sound like young people are still playing their video games, which goes against your thesis. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5, but I do salute your creativity in your writing.