Please correct and grade my essay. Thank you so much!!!

[Hoangle308]

engDo you agree or disagree with the following statement?
“Countries should not isolate themselves from the world, but instead engage other countries”. Use examples and reasons to support your position.

Nations had better engage other nations instead of keeping themselves out of the world has become a much debated issue nowadays. Some people claim that their countries needs to have opened relationships with international community while the others oppose by giving disadvantages of external integration. From my viewpoint, I am strongly convinced that nations need integrations for following reasons.

First and foremost, what I put in my priority is economical benefits. Nothing could be further from the truth that it will be so hard to develop economy, as well as, maintaining its stability for a country if it has a closed economy which is isolated from world economy. Take Japan as an example, Japanese people specialize in manufacturing high quality electronics, automobiles, and smart robots, which require a lot of raw resources they don’t own. Moreover, their agriculture is not able to fully provide cereals for themselves although it was industrialized. Therefore, they focus on establishing trade relations with a lot of countries in the world. As a result, they can export high technology products, and import raw materials, agricultural products, which serve reproducting process of Japanese economy. In short, engaging other countries is superior to isolation.

In the second place, improving external relationships creates tremendous impacts on culture of each country. Indeed, it gives a great chance not only to bring local culture to the world, but also to absorb unique things from other cultures on globe. United States, for instance, is a nation of immigrants who come from everywhere in the world. Other cultures come to the nation with immigrants in order to diversify american culture. In addition, American people know how to combine all of them significantly to create new waves a part of which spread over the world. Needless to say, international integration is better than protecting conservative culture, which is partially outdated.

Last but not least, guarantee of politics for each country is noteworth. In fact, all of nations desire stable polictical system and sercurity. They, however, will be not able to achieve these targets because of beneficial collisions of countries, which they hardly solved. Thus, they needs allies and reliable partners who could help them decide difficult problems. For example, in the Cold War, when the US built NATO along with their western allies, soon after, the Soviet Union also created Warszawa Pact including communist nations with the aim of assuring their national benefits against the US. Without doubt, political gain is an important aspect making countries engage each other.

Ultimately, I find myself definitively agree with those who assert that countries should develop international relationships. This is because it produces remarkable effects on economy, culture and politics. Therefore, it is important that national leaders take these into careful considerations so that they could select suitable policies.

TOEFL listening discussions: What does an unlimited parking pass include?

[Luschen]

Hi Hoangle, I thought you did a pretty good job on this essay. You address the prompt correctly, had an effective structure, and supplied good examples to support your ideas. Your writing quality did not seem quite as good as your content. It was clear, with only minor errors, up until your last body paragraph, but in that one I had to struggle through some sentences as a reader. I was all set to rate this a 4, but with that paragraph I have to go with a 3.5 out of 5.

@Hoangle308

engDo you agree or disagree with the following statement?
“Countries should not isolate themselves from the world, but instead engage other countries”. Use examples and reasons to support your position.

[Whether] Nations had better {“had better” sounds sort of like a threat - you had better do as I say, or you will be punished - try “Whether nations are better off engaging with other nations …”} engage other nations instead of keeping themselves out of the world has become a much debated issue nowadays. Some people claim that their countr[y ] needs to have opened relationships with [the] international community while the others oppose [this idea] by giving disadvantages of external integration. From my viewpoint, I am strongly convinced that nations need integrations for [the] following reasons.

First and foremost, what I put in[as] my priority is economical benefits. Nothing could be further from the truth {this means the phrase that comes next is false - I think you got it backwards} that it will be so hard to develop economy, as well as, {no comma} maintaining its stability for a country if it has a closed economy which is isolated from [the] world economy. Take Japan as an example,{semicolon} Japanese people specialize in manufacturing high quality electronics, automobiles, and smart robots, which require a lot of raw resources[materials] {or “natural resources”} they don’t{avoid contractions} own. Moreover, their agriculture is not able to fully provide cereals for themselves although it was[their farming has been] industrialized. Therefore, they focus on establishing trade relations with a lot of countries in the world. As a result, they can export high technology products, and import raw materials [and] agricultural products, which serve reproducting {“reproducting” is incorrect - what do you mean?} process of [the] Japanese economy. In short, engaging [with] other countries is superior to isolation.

In the second place, improving external relationships creates tremendous impacts on [the] culture of each country. Indeed, it gives a great chance not only to bring [their] local culture to the world, but also to absorb unique things from other cultures on [around the] globe. United States, for instance, is a nation of immigrants who come from everywhere in the world. Other cultures [have] come to th[is] nation with [the] immigrants in order to [serving to] {“in order to” sounds like this was a planned process} diversify [A]merican culture. In addition, American people know how to combine all of them significantly to create new waves [of trends, ] {is this what you meant?} a part of which spread over the world. Needless to say, international integration is better than protecting conservative culture, which is partially outdated.{is the culture outdated or the idea of protecting it? a little vague}

Last but not least, guarantee of politics for each country is noteworth[y ].{this sentence is a little unclear to me} In fact, all of nations desire stable polictical system[s ] and sercurity.{spelling} They, however, will be not able to achieve these targets because of beneficial collisions of countries,{what are “beneficial collisions”?} which they hardly solved. Thus, they needs[need] allies and reliable partners who could help them decide{“solve” is better} difficult problems. For example, in the Cold War, when the US built NATO along with their western allies, soon after, the Soviet Union also created [the] Warszawa{in English, the city’s name is Warsaw} Pact including communist nations with the aim of assuring their national benefits against the US. Without doubt, political gain is an important aspect making countries engage {“encouraging countries to engage with each other” seems more precise} each other.

Ultimately, I find myself definitively agree[ing] with those who assert that countries should develop international relationships. This is because it produces remarkable effects on economy, culture and politics. Therefore, it is important that national leaders take these into careful considerations[consideration] so that they could select suitable policies.

TOEFL listening discussions: What does an unlimited parking pass include?