Please check this argument essay, Thanks

[Keivan68]

Argument: “For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.”

The writer of the argument recommends that Saluda school board should employ Mr. Schade to coach and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. Although some achievements and improvements occurred in Steel City high school when Mr. Schade was responsible for music its direction, but the writer fails to substantiate the recommendation, because it rests on questionable assumptions, suffers from vague terms, contains numerous logical flaws, and fails to take into account some crucial factors. Therefore, it is impossible to validate the recommendation.

First, an underlying premise upon which the recommendation is based is that winning regional band competitions and improvement in quality of musical rehearsal facilities and musical instruments in Steel City high school has happened only because of Mr. Schade. However, there is no evidence to prove this, because correlation does not necessarily equals causation. Maybe some other factors has taken a part in these achievements. For example, maybe some of the high school’s students are prodigies in music, and they won the prizes. Or, maybe the school’s budget was increased a lot and the school board assigned all of the budget to buy new musical facilities and instruments.

Even if we were to suppose that all of the achievement were because of Mr. Schade, another problem with the argument is that the arguer assumes that Saluda school is identical to Steel City high school in all aspects. The arguer has not establish enough similarities to make a reasonable analogy between the two schools. For example, maybe the Steel City high school is a school specialized in music, while Saluda school is a mathematics school. Hence, the Saluda school board do not assign an appropriate value to music education programs, and Mr. Saluda could not be successful in such a school. Or, maybe the students’ parents of the new school are of a lower social class than the old school’s ones, and want the school to assign other programs a higher priority than music program.

A third problem with the argument is that the writer neglected to take into account that things may vary during time. Maybe Mr. Schade was successful in Steel City high school because he was younger and had a more innovative mind, but now after years he might lose his ability to plan and direct a music program wisely. Moreover, his propensity to earn more achievements might be satiated after years of success.

In the final analysis, the writer’s recommendation cannot taken to be correct because, as mentioned in the body paragraphs above, it depends on a number of assumptions, all of them can be easily challenged. The argument could be improved by proving that Steel City high school’s achievements were because of Mr. Schade, then, proving that the new schools’ characteristics are similar to the old ones’, and finally mentioning that Mr. Schade is as wise, adroit, and enthusiastic as he was in the past.

[Luschen]

Hi Keivan, pretty good writing, though you do have a few errors here and there. I think you logic is solid, but there are a few angles you might have explored a little more thoroughly - see below.

@Keivan68

Argument: “For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.”

The writer of the argument recommends that Saluda school board should employ Mr. Schade to coach {“coach” is used only for sports - using it for music sounds odd} and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. Although some achievements and improvements occurred in Steel City high school when Mr. Schade was responsible for music its direction,{“for music its direction” is wrong - maybe “responsible for directing its music”} but the writer fails to substantiate the recommendation, because it rests on questionable assumptions, suffers from vague terms, contains numerous logical flaws, and fails to take into account some crucial factors. Therefore, it is impossible to validate the recommendation.

First, an underlying premise upon which the recommendation is based is that winning regional band competitions and improvement in quality of musical rehearsal facilities and musical instruments in Steel City high school ha[ve] happened only because of Mr. Schade. However, there is no evidence to prove this, because correlation does not necessarily equals causation. Maybe some other factors ha[ve] taken a part in these achievements. For example, maybe some of the high school’s students are prodigies in music, and they won the prizes. Or, maybe the school’s budget was increased a lot and the school board assigned all of the budget to buy new musical facilities and instruments. {one issue you seem to be missing is maybe the wins actually resulted from the improved facilities and instruments and not necessarily from Mr. Schade’s expertise. The argument gives no evidence that Mr. Schade played any role in improving the quality of the facilities and instruments, but certainly it is reasonable to assume that higher quality instruments will sound better}

Even if we were to suppose that all of the achievement were because of Mr. Schade, another problem with the argument is that the arguer{“claimant” seems better - maybe “arguer” is the correct term for GRE essays though} assumes that Saluda school is identical to Steel City high school in all aspects. The arguer has not establish enough similarities to make a reasonable analogy between the two schools. For example, maybe the Steel City high school is a school specializ[ing] in music, while Saluda school is a mathematics school. Hence, the Saluda school board do {in the US we would say “does” - this is maybe ok in the UK} not assign an appropriate value to music education programs, and Mr. Saluda could not be successful in such a school. Or, maybe the students’ parents of the new school are of a lower social class than the old school’s ones, and want the school to assign other programs a higher priority than [the] music program. {in here somewhere you could state that musical talent is in some measure inborn and certainly needs to be nurtured by parents for eventual success - the parent population of Steel City may have played a great role in the bands success by encouraging and training their children in music at home - the Saluda parents may not be able to emulate this aspect.}

A third problem with the argument is that the writer neglected to take into account that things {I don’t like using “things” - “factors” sounds better here} may vary during[over] time. Maybe Mr. Schade was successful in Steel City high school because he was younger and had a more innovative mind, but now after years he might [have] los[t ] his ability to plan and direct a music program wisely. Moreover, his propensity to earn more achievements might be satiated after years of success.

In the final analysis, the writer’s recommendation cannot taken to be correct {“cannot be taken as correct” is better} because, as mentioned in the body paragraphs above, it depends on a number of assumptions, all of them[which] can be easily challenged. The argument could be improved by proving that Steel City high school’s achievements were because of Mr. Schade, then, proving that the new school['s]characteristics are similar to the old one['s], and finally mentioning that Mr. Schade is as wise, adroit, and enthusiastic as he was in the past.

[Luschen]

One other major argument I completely forgot - being a music director for a single school is much different than “planning and directing the general music education programs” for the whole school system. Mr Schade would no longer be working directly with children, teaching music classes and leading a band, but would instead have to lead and manage teachers and band directors at the various schools. It seems like an entirely different skill set would be involved for the new position. This might become a case of the “Peter Principle”, where you keep getting promoted until you land in a job you are not that good at - and you stay there the rest of your life.