Please check my essay, Thank you

[Rashal_Kumar]

“One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly.”

The writer recommends that high schools in the city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day later by one hour. However, the arguer fails to substantiate the recommendation because the mentioned research disobeys main statistical rules, the argument lies on questionable assumptions, and it suffers from vague terms. Therefore, we cannot validate the recommendation until the arguer corrects these flaws. In what follows, the mentioned flaws would be elucidated.

First, the writer does not mention the number adolescents who took part in the research study. As we know, the greater the number of participants in a research study, the more reliable and valid the findings are. However, in this argument there is no evidence to show sufficient number of participants. Perhaps, only four students participate in the study; thus, the findings are neither reliable nor valid. Even if, we suppose that there were sufficient sample numbers, there is another possible flaw with the study. In a citable research study, the sample group must be representative of the target population in terms of age, sex, physical characteristics, and ext. If so, the findings of the research could be generalized to the target population. However, in the case of this argument, there is no evidence to show that the groups of adolescents who were under investigation were representative enough. Therefore, the generalization of the finding (many high school students in the city are not satisfied with their academic performance) is under remarkable question. It seems that the argument could be improved by providing another research with a sample group which is representative and populated enough and by adding a control group to the research.

Another problem with the argument is that the underlying assumption upon which the recommendation is based is problematic. The arguer assumes that if the schools change the class times, the students need to sleep more will be satisfied. Obviously, this premise does not be substantiated by the writer. Maybe, students who went to bed at 1 A.M. will go to bed at 2 A.M. after the change. Or maybe, the students nullify their afternoon sleep because their classes will finish an hour later in the afternoon. Either scenario provides an alternative explanation for the ineffectiveness of the high school’s policy. It seems that the argument could be improved by proving that the change of school hours will cause the students to have enough or at least more sleep hours.

Another problem with the argument is that it suffers from a vague term which made a reader to accuse the writer of using equivocation. The arguer says that high school students are dissatisfied with their academic performance. The first question is that what the academic performance means. For example, if it means they are dissatisfied with their grades, maybe their teachers take and assign them very difficult exams and home works. Therefore, their academic performance are not measured correctly. The second question is that if the students have good criterion for their academic performance or not. For example, maybe the majority of the students have rank A averages in the school, but they want to be better because of competitions with others. If so, the concern about the students’ academic performance is absurd. It seems that the argument could be improved by substituting the vague term of academic performance by a vivid more detailed description.

[Luschen]

Hi Rashal, sorry I never saw your last essay. I think you did a pretty good job with this one. Your writing was clear and sounded pretty natural, though you did seem to have a few more grammar and usage errors towards the end. Your logic seemed solid, but I didn’t really like how you argued “maybe the data was flawed, so the results are definitely not valid” - it should be “maybe the data was flawed, so the results might not be valid”. Also, it seems like a key question to ask would be what the school hours were for the adolescents in the study. Maybe the students in the study already had an 8:30 start time for school. Also discuss how ending school an hour later will postpone the start of after-school activities like sports training and homework. You sort of mentioned this in passing, but giving a few more details would be good. Finally, there is an implicit assumption in the question that students getting more sleep will necessarily lead to increased performance on tests and an improvement in academic skills, but there is no concrete evidence presented to support this assumption.

@Rashal_Kumar

“One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly.”

The writer recommends that high schools in the city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day later by one hour. However, the arguer fails to substantiate the recommendation because the mentioned research disobeys main{“basic” is better} statistical rules, the argument [re]lies on questionable assumptions, and it suffers from vague terms. Therefore, we cannot validate the recommendation until the arguer corrects these flaws. In what follows, the mentioned flaws w[ill] be elucidated. {I don’t think this sentence is really needed}

First, the writer does not mention the number [of] adolescents who took part in the research study. As we know, the greater the number of participants in a research study, the more reliable and valid the findings are. However, in this argument there is no evidence to show [a] sufficient number of participants. Perhaps, only four students participate[d ] in the study; thus, [in that case] the findings are [would be] neither reliable nor valid. Even if,{no comma} we suppose that there were sufficient sample numbers, there is another possible flaw with the study. In a citable research study, the sample group must be representative of the target population in terms of age, sex, physical characteristics, and ext.{etc., but try to avoid using abbreviations} If so, the findings of the research c[an] be generalized to the target population. However, in the case of this argument, there is no evidence to show that the groups of adolescents who were under investigation were representative enough. Therefore, the generalization of the finding [that] many high school students in the city are not satisfied with their academic performance){avoid using parentheses in formal essays} is under remarkable question.{“under remarkable question” sounds pretty odd to me} It seems that the argument could be improved by providing another research {“… providing another research study” or “… providing additional research”} with a sample group which is representative and populated enough and by adding a control group to the research.

Another problem with the argument is that the underlying assumption upon which the recommendation is based is problematic. The arguer assumes that if the schools change the class times, the students['] need to sleep more {“need for more sleep” sounds more natural} will be satisfied. Obviously, this premise [is not] does not be substantiated by the writer. Maybe, students who went to bed at 1 A.M. will go to bed at 2 A.M. after the change. Or maybe, the students [will forgo their afternoon nap] nullify their afternoon sleep because their classes will finish an hour later in the afternoon. {just to let you know, very few high school students in the UK or US take afternoon naps} Either scenario provides an alternative explanation for the ineffectiveness of the high school’s policy. {this sentence is incorrect - it is a proposed policy, not a policy and there is no default explanation for its ineffectiveness - especially since it has not been implemented yet} It seems that the argument could be improved by proving that the change of school hours will cause the students to have enough or at least more sleep hours. {this last phrase sounds a little awkward}

Another problem with the argument is that it suffers from a vague term which made a reader to accuse {this sounds very odd to me - referring to yourself as “a reader” if you really want to be this formal, say
“which causes this reader to accuse the writer …”} the writer of using equivocation. The arguer says that high school students are dissatisfied with their academic performance. {not exactly, the arguer says that a recent study showed this} The first question is that what the academic performance means. For example, if it means they are dissatisfied with their grades, maybe their teachers take{“take” does not work here - the teachers do not take the exams} and assign them very difficult exams and home works.{“homework” is non-countable singular} Therefore, [perhaps] their academic performance are[is] not [being] measured correctly. The second question is that if [whether] the students have good criteri[a ] for their academic performance or not. For example, maybe the majority of the students have rank A averages in the school, but they want to be better because of competitions with others. If so, the concern about the students’ academic performance is absurd. It seems that the argument could be improved by substituting the vague term of academic performance by a vivid [and] more detailed description.