Please check my essay . Thank you very much. 5/23/2012

Some people say part-time jobs are useful for full-time students because they not only earn money but also gain career experience.
Do you agree or disagree ?
Currently, most students at the university or college part-time with the aim to earn extra money and have more work experience. In my opinion, I agree with this view in a permitted limit.
Part-time students will help them generate more income. In many countries, students have the financial independence of their own learning. The parents will not provide funding for children when past the age 18. Therefore, the part-time income to pay tuition fees, daily activities is a matter of course. It seems that the part-time student while studying in these countries is a very normal thing. In Vietnam, although the parents continue to provide meals for students, but often not sufficient for the activities of students. Thus the part-time students are also popular, especially students from other provinces to rent.
Moreover, part-time students they will have more experience in work and life. When you are on a part-time work related skills or improve your career in the future, is a great thing. You can apply the knowledge learned in school into practice to draw the lesson for themselves. It can be said is the reality of your life, it helps you perfect, hone skills and experience needed in their work in the future. However, not everyone can be part-time with work related to their career, you have to do more with overtime work not related to their career. But do not take it as disappointing, because each job you are doing are actually helping you hone your skills is important in life. For example: You are learning banking but you do part-time at a cafe. If you do a good job will help you will be able to talk, communicate with customers, patience, meticulous, friendly when you server client. Furthermore, you can understand and appreciate the value of the labor etc.
In many countries have regulations maximum number of hours students are part-time in a week. Although the overtime provides many benefits for students but also should be limited in time to avoid affecting the learning of students at the school. There are many students forgot the most important thing is learning at school, they take the time to do too much part time only to have poor study results.
In summary, in my opinion very much agree with the part-time student in the learning process. It brings earnings, good experience for students. However, this should be limited to a certain time period.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student need money?

Hi, your essay had a pretty good structure, but most of it sounded pretty unnatural. You do not have too many grammatical errors, but your overall writing style and choice of words makes many of you sentences sound pretty awkward. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

Thanks you Mr Luschen!
Wish you a good day.