Please check my essay: Does fashion industry has a bad effect on people´s lives?

[Karlangasfp]

Hello!
I am here again trying to pass a new Toefl exam. Please check my essay I will wait for your comments.

Some people say the fashion industry has a bad effect on people’s lives. Do you agree?

Fashion industry is said to have a bad effect on people´s lives. The increased importance gave to people’s appearance, the price of clothes and the use of animal’s skin could be a few reasons to believe it.

To start with, the success of this industry nowadays is the result of the increased importance gave to people’s appearance. It has become a big issue to be “well dressed” at any time in any situation. In my personal opinion this leads to a new way of discrimination.

In addition, brands make huge profit from the need to be well dressed. Designer clothes can reach prices that exceeds the real cost of materials and man labor. Most of the prices are set in base to “emotional branding” which consists in exaggerate prices to make consumers feel that they are buying something unique.
For someone who follows every new collection this means spending a lot of money.

Finally, this industry is famous for using the skin of exotic animals to make various products. In times when people need to think more about the conservation of life and nature this point is certainly reproachable.

For all these reasons I believe that, in fact fashion industry has a bad effect on people’s life.

Thanks!

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (1)

[Luschen]

Hi Karlangasfp, your writing is very good. It sounds natural and you only have a few small grammatical errors. But you just don’t have enough content to get a high score. You need to develop your body paragraphs more and provide more detailed and specific examples. Here are my other suggestions:

@Karlangasfp

Hello!
I am here again trying to pass a new Toefl exam. Please check my essay I will wait for your comments.

Some people say the fashion industry has a bad effect on people’s lives. Do you agree?

[The] Fashion industry is said to have a bad effect on people´s lives. {try not to repeat the prompt word for word - rephrase it} The increased importance g[iven] to people’s appearance, the price of clothes and the use of animal’s skin could be a few reasons to believe it. {this intro is a little short - here is a good outline for an introduction:
1st: state that the topic is important
2nd: explain why it’s important
3rd: restate the question
4th: presents your answer (thesis, opinion, etc.)

So say something general about the fashion industry, and then explain why it is important. Then continue with what you have written}

To start with, the success of this industry nowadays is the result of the increased importance g[iven] to people’s appearance. {this says that the industry is successful because people care more about their appearance. but you need to turn it around and show how the fashion industry is at fault - maybe say that the ads and choice of models give an unrealistic portrayal of physical appearance} It has become a big issue to be “well dressed” at any time in any situation. In my personal opinion this leads to a new way of discrimination. {go into a little more depth with your example - try to make it more specific. }

In addition, brands make huge profit[s ] from the need to be well dressed. Designer clothes can reach prices that excee[s ] the real cost of materials and man labor. Most of the prices are set in base to[by using] “emotional branding” which consists in exaggerate[d ] prices to make consumers feel that they are buying something unique.
For someone who follows every new collection this means spending a lot of money. {go one more step and explain exactly how this could cause problems - people are not able to pay their rent or mortgage or go into credit card debt because they pay so much for clothes}

Finally, this industry is famous for using the skin {“skins” is better} of exotic animals to make various products. In times when people need to think more about the conservation of life and nature this point is certainly reproachable. {once more, a little more depth is needed here - maybe talk about how leopards or some other animal are going extinct because poachers are hunting them and selling the skins for high-fashion items. Or you could also argue that even raising animals like minks for their skins is cruel and wasteful.}

For all these reasons I believe that, in fact fashion industry has a bad effect on people’s life.

{add just a little more to your conclusion - here is a good template:

1st: restate your answer
2nd: restate your reasons
3rd: provide a final suggestion }

Thanks!

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (1)

[Karlangasfp]

Hello, I write my essay again, what do you think about it?

Some people say the fashion industry has a bad effect on people´s lives. Do you agree?

Fashion industry is a very profitable business in our society. Its importance is undeniable. People are more and more interested in being well dressed at any time in any situation. But, issues like the importance given to people´s appearance, the prices of clothes and the use of animal’s skin should be studied in order to stablish if its effects on people’s lives are positive or negative.

First of all, as the influence of fashion industry increases it is more common to find people that are segregated because of the brand of their clothes or their appearance. This new kind of segregation increases social inequity and becomes an important source of social resentment.

Moreover, brands make huge profit from clothes. It is a fact that prices excess the costs of material and labor. As a result, people who are fashion addicts can spend a large amount of money that could be used to pay medical insurance or mortgage.

Finally, fashion industry is known to use skins of exotic animals in a variety of products and some of these animals are prone to extinction because of this business.

Because of the unnecessary importance given to people´s appearance, the unethical way of setting prices of clothes and the use of skins of exotic animals, I believe that the effects of fashion industry in people´s lives are negative.