Playing computer game is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play

[Samiraslh]

Please someone rate and correct my essay. Thanks

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Playing computer game is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, there is a computer in most homes. Technology of computer is advancing every day and computer games are one of its productions. Children are the most audience of computer games. In my opinion, we should not permit the childes to play them and to waste their time because the computer games are addictive and they are harmful for children’s health.
First, the computer games are addictive. At the beginning, the children may play them only several hours in week but in future, their hours of using the computer or the game increases; they sit front of the computer and play the game for several hours every day. Therefore, they do not enough time for doing other their works such as their school homework or cleaning their room and so on. My little brother addicts computer games and he plays them more than 4 hours in each day so that he does not come with us to any parties, picnics, and the movies also his room is always dirty.
Second, the computer games are harmful for child’s health. They have negative effects on their physical and mental health. When they play game, they use only their mind and eyes. They do not have any body activities and their muscles to be lazy, and also the children to fat. One of their bad metal effects is aggressive. For instance, a child that plays military games follows the game’s actions in his or him home and school.
To wrap it up, the computer games have many bad effects on the children’s health. They endanger children’s mental and physical health and they cause the childes to be aggressive and lazy and also they are addictive. Thus, the parents should not allow that their childes play computer games.

TOEFL listening lectures: The professor mentions watermelons as an example of what?

[Luschen]

Hi Samirasih, I thought your essay was pretty good. You addressed the prompt well and included some good reasons. I think having some more detailed and perhaps personal examples might have made your case more convincing as well as boost your word count. Your writing is pretty clear, but you have a lot of mistakes in grammar and usage that makes a lot of your essay sound pretty unnatural. Overall, I would rate this a 3 out of 5.

@Samiraslh

Please someone rate and correct my essay. Thanks

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Playing computer game is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, there is a computer in most homes. Technology of computer [technology] is advancing every day and computer games are one of its productions. {“productions” sounds odd - maybe “applications”} Children are the most [common] audience of[for] computer games. {these sentences above are a little choppy - try combining them with transitions - “Computer technology is advancing every day and computer games are one of its many applications, with children being the most common audience for these diversions.” } In my opinion, we should not permit the child[ren] to play them and to waste their time because the computer games are addictive and they are harmful for children’s health.
First, the computer games are addictive.{try to rephrase to avoid repetition} At the beginning, the children may play them only several hours in [a ]week but in future, {“but eventually” is better} their hours of [spent] using the computer or the [to play the]game increases; they sit [in] front of the computer and play the game for several hours every day. Therefore, they do not [devote] enough time for doing other their works [work] {or “tasks” may be better}such as their school homework or cleaning their room and so on. My little brother addicts [is addicted] computer games and he plays them more than [four] hours in each day so that he does not come with us to any parties, picnics, and[or] the movies[;] also his room is always dirty.
Second, the computer games are harmful for [a ]child’s health. They have negative effects on [both] their physical and mental health. When they play game[s ], they use only their mind and eyes. They do not have any body activities and their muscles to be lazy, and also the children to fat. {this sentence is pretty awkward - maybe “Their bodies do not get any exercise and their muscles get flabby, causing the children to get fat.”} One of their bad me[nt]al effects is aggressive[ness]. For instance, a child that plays military games follows[imitates] the game’s actions in his or h[er] home and school.
To wrap it up, the computer games have many bad effects on the children’s health. They endanger children’s mental and physical health and they cause the child[ren] to be aggressive and lazy and also they are addictive.{these three "and"s sound a bit awkward together} Thus, the parents should not allow that their child[ren to] play computer games.

TOEFL listening lectures: The professor mentions watermelons as an example of what?