Hi, I am a new one here, and hope someone can correct my bad essay to promote my wiriting ability and poor ideas about writing. Thanks.
Topic: People would be happier with fewer possessions.
With the rapid development of our society, more and more people would own lots of possessions. Due to this, there is a controversy over whether people would be happier with fewer possessions. The answers vary from one person to another. From my perspective, I agree with this opinion, even though some people hold opposite opinions. My reasons listed below will strengthen my points.
Firstly, some people who are extremely greedy would not be able to feel satisfied with any things they have and their possessions would bring some mental troubles for those guys, even though they are really wealthy. For example, big and rich families usually have less happiness and harmony than small families. Due to people in rich families might have stronger felling of comparison and not be able to feel enough with their wealth. The more they have, the more they covet, so that those people in rich always under the depression of pursuing money and feel unhappy.
Secondly, it’s no doubt that everyone cannot get a happy life without enough possessions, and the more properties we hold, the more safety we get. Moreover, some people would feel sad just because they don’t have more money to purchase new clothes or a new car. However, all things have two aspects in the world. When we guys are worried that have no extra money to buy new clothes, we should think about those unfortunate people who don’t have food to eat or have no home to live in Africa and other poverty areas in the world. Thus, we guys should feel enough, happy and cherishing what we have, though we are not rich people.
There are many who will disagree with me, saying that rich people who willing to help other poor people would be happier. However, from what have been discussed above, I still support that people would be happier with fewer possessions, due to the fact that owing more properties might make people become more greedy and unhappy. What’s more, there are lots of people who do in need in the world, and we guys who have enough money to live should feel satisfied and happy.
Hey, welcome to the forum. The teachers and students are all very kind here, so I hope you can make progress through this forum.
There is no big grammar and spelling mistake in your essay, and the organization is clear, so I think it is good generally.
In order to get a better mark in the TOEFL writing(most of us want to achieve 4-5 in independent writing yeah?), I think you need to have more reading to enrich your expression; then you may revise your essay yourself.
Also, try to be more imaginative, or your points or reasons may not seem to be attractive or convincing enough.
These are all my personal ideas;actually, I am a learner, too.()