One day a king was

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
1

Hi,

Please point out my mistakes in the following paragraph. Be close to my translation, if possible.

One day a king was going somewhere. He saw a group of many slaves. The king liked one of those slaves very much. He went towards him and kicked him hard. The slave retaliated by kicking the king back. The king smiled happily. He paid the price for the slave and ordered for him to be freed. His spirit of freedom is still alive in him.

2

I thought it didn’t really have many mistakes. I would make these changes:

One day a king was going somewhere. He saw a group of many slaves. The king liked one of those slaves very much. He went towards him and kicked him hard. The slave retaliated by kicking the king back. The king smiled happily. He paid the price for the slave and ordered for him to be freed. [The former slave’s] spirit of freedom is still alive in him. {it was unclear to me whether “His” referred to the slave or the king. This last sentence still seems a little weak. What exactly are you trying to say?}

3

I think I should rephrase it.

The king said, “The spirit of freedom is alive in the slave.” Is it OK now?

4

Yes, that sounds much better.