Suddenly, orient invades the ocident
Flows into my atlantic heart
Red sun at the peep of the dawn
Ocident stars save my sleepy
Inexplicable dream of blue sea
Makes shine my look
And when I upon awakening I try to guide myself
I close my eyes and cross the sky
Take you in my flight
We dive under the seas
We breath the air
We float above clouds
We touch stars
We shine like moon
in this moment,
no more border
There’s no longer
Ocident & Orient
The air is the same
We are one
And there is only one sea
What help do you want, Léa?
Because it is a poem it does not consist of traditional sentences, so it is impossible to correct it from a grammatical sense.
Because it is your ideas reflected in poetry form, it is impossible to understand whether what you have written matches with what you are trying to say.
I think it is a love poem, but I cannot really make sense of it phrase by phrase and word by word. For example, I have no idea what ‘ocident’ is.
The only points I can make are that I think you meant to write ‘bother’ where you wrote ‘borther’, and unless you have deliberately not done so for poetic purpose, you could do with adding some punctuation. Also, you should not use an ampersand sign (&) to mean ‘and’ in the middle of prose or poetry. Always write the word ‘and’. An ampersand sign has very specific uses.
Thank you very much, yes…I agree with you, when the subject is poem is something delicated to deal. Any way all comments are useful to me and always welcome , because I’m just learning so, Mrs. Beeesneees fell free to correct my writtens when necessary is.
Thank you again!
About “Borther”, it was my mistake when I meant “Border”
I really liked the poem, excellent work. To me “makes shine my look” sounds a little odd, with the meaning “look” being somewhat ambiguous, but as Beeesneees stated, poems do offer “poetic license”.
Also, it really should be “we shine like the moon”
Luschen, thank you very much! Comments like these are very useful to me. We know how difficult is the art of translation. I try to keep the sense when I translate to english.
Luschen; when you can try to find something good to replace the word “look” in this sentence: “makes shine my look”, in portuguese I meant: “Faz brilhar o meu olhar”
so, Mrs. Beeesneees fell free to correct my writtens when necessary is.