My first integrated essay. I have my test tomorrow, help me please :)

[Waltz]

Hello, Luschen

Many thanks for your great help. I have my test day, it is tomorrow (12th).

To think that I have not ever practiced integrated writing even one time, I’m very nervous.
Honestly, the reason I did not practice is that I did not have courage to confront the reality; I was afraid that I might be unable to understand the lecture and the passage so I just avoid practice ( very ridiculous solution, I’m regret now TT _ TT)

I hope this is not to bad; this is my first attempt so my pattern is improper, so please suggest me the actual pattern or give me the examples of answer that are good in your opinion.

sorry for much feeling introduction.

Reading passage and Lecture
[url]http://strictlyenglishusa.com/paid-toefl-exercises/free-toefl-exercises/writing-materials/integrated-essay/intwrlive[/url]

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The topic of reading passage provides the information of AIDS disease and refers to AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs); these groups intend to help AIDS patients in developing country by offering their three helping ways. The lecturer argues that all of those methods have flaws by indicating the weakness in each method.

First of all, AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs) criticize the drug companies that highly price the medicines; claiming that these companies take too high profit. They believe that major drug companies should sell at a much lower cost whereas the lecturer disagrees. They said this method cannot really work because medical companies are like the other business; they have to make high profit in order to survive, and the budget is needed to developing new drugs.

Moreover, AAGS have an attempt to get responsibility from governments. They want governments to buy the medicines in large quantities so the price will be reduced. The lecturer, however explains that this method is impossible; considering that if the people are poor, the government would be poor as well. Thus the government does not have sufficient money to make this strategy comes true.

Finally, AAGS are also starting to encourage poor countries to make their personal version of AIDS drugs. On the other hand, the lecturer commented that this method is considered(should I add “to be” here?) illegal and very dangerous for patients because of the low quality control of the manufacturing.

I have a couple questions.

(Should I say AAGS or reading passage?)

(Should I add the conclusion? I have read one article that tell me not to add my personal opinion, so how should I end my essay? because the lecturer ends his statement suddenly at this point)

TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money?

[Kamalmix]

Its good but very short. on toefl you will be asked to write an essay of minimum 300 words and another essay from 150-225 words. try to be clear and make three or four paragraphs. conclusion is a must. write such this, use difficult and literary words.
good luck.
BTW, i am having an issue with reading can you please help me too? It is in another thread. thanks

[Waltz]

Hi, Kamalmix

I leave my comment at english-test.net/forum/ftopi … g_practice

Thanks for your suggestion.

[Luschen]

Hi, I think you did a really good job. The key is getting all the main points from the lecture and I think you succeeded. The only minor points are that you could stress that without profits there would be no new drugs and then poor quality drugs could harm or kill the very people AAGs are trying to help. You have a few minor errors here and there but nothing too bad. Have you seen this video? youtube.com/watch?v=Ytubzmj_j94
I bet you probably have, but the teacher is very good and from people I have talked to who took the test, he is correct in his analysis. Overall, I would rate your essay a 4 out of 5.

@Waltz

The topic of reading passage provides the information of AIDS disease and refers to AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs); these groups intend to help AIDS patients in developing countr[ies] by offering their three helping ways [of helping]. The lecturer argues that all of those methods have flaws by indicating the weakness in[of] each method.

First of all, AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs) criticize the drug companies that highly price the medicines [too high]; claiming that these companies take too high {you could say “much” to avoid repetition} profit. They believe that major drug companies should sell at a much lower cost whereas the lecturer disagrees. They [He] said this method cannot really work because medical companies are like the[any] other business; they have to make high profit in order to survive, and the budget is needed to developing {or “for developing” - sorry, “to developing” does not work} new drugs. {No new profits = no new drugs}

Moreover, AAGS have an attempt[ed] to get responsibility from governments [to take responsibility]. They want governments to buy the medicines in large quantities so the price will be reduced. The lecturer, however explains that this method is impossible; considering that if the people are poor, the government would be poor as well. Thus the government does not have sufficient money to make this strategy comes true. {“strategy successful” would be better}

Finally, AAGS are also starting to encourage poor countries to make their personal version of AIDS drugs. On the other hand, the lecturer commented that this method is considered(should I add “to be” here?){“to be” is optional here - it sounds fine either way} illegal and very dangerous for patients because of the low quality control of the manufacturing. {could sicken or kill the patients they are trying to help}

I have a couple questions.

(Should I say AAGS or reading passage?)

I would try to say “reading passage”, although it is clear from you essay which part is the reading section and which is the lecturer.

(Should I add the conclusion? I have read one article that tell me not to add my personal opinion, so how should I end my essay? because the lecturer ends his statement suddenly at this point)

I have read the same thing - I think a conclusion is not really necessary. This part of the test is not really testing your writing as much as it is your listening ability. As long as you can capture all the ideas stated in the lecture, I think you will get a good score.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money?