My associations. This doesn’t want to be a masterpiece.
I don’t care for exposing my idotic writing to the public. And for my bad English.
This is only an English practice. There was several times in my life that I couldn’t say to my grandchildren what how happened because the key-words didn’t come into my mind.
As I know how a psychoanalyst works they work from the sincere associations which are jumping and they don’t care about the chronological order. If I was writing about my associations I should write about my depression, and about its thousands of reasons. Today I am really under the weather. I am associating not spontaneously but
direct my associations.
I remember my daughter who was born on the 28th October 1963. On that same day my best friend’s daughter was born. Incredible coincidence!
We were comparing our children. Orsi, her daughter ate well, she ate everything, she wasn’t choosy, she was stocky but she knew about the world less. My little daughter was very choosy, she ate so little than a bird, she was graceful and a fragile beauty. She was very clever. In six month-old she could give me her animal-toys and could imitate their voice.She could say ‘mama’, ‘papa’ also. She knew where is the lamp. If I asked her, she pointed to the lamp. I told my girlfriend and she passed me a message from her father, Orsi’s grandfather told: ‘Tell Kati that Orsi even knows that Edison uncle invented.’ Of course they didn’t believe it.
My little daughter was 7 months-old when I was dressing her and meantime I told her ‘this is your trousers’, ‘this is your sweater’ etc. She received a new mittens. They were beautiful because on their upper part there was a colourful puppet-face. I told her ‘here are your new mittens’ and I put on her mittens. He began to see them ( she was lying and put her hands in front of her face and she pronounced her first really difficult word : tet-tju (kesztyű = gloves ) I couldn’t express how big was my surprise I called my husband and he heard also that she was repeating this word: tet-tju, tet-tju
When I used to be a child I was longing to have a doll’s pram but I never got it. Now we hired a pram and I pushed my little girl in the pram. Everybody saw her because she was like a peach if I saw the colours on her face. She was a perfect baby.
Than I said earlier I really imagined that a baby is like a doll.( I was an infantile in my whole life.) I realized that she is not like. I had to nurse her in every three hour, after nursing I had to burp her, and if she burped her dress, I had to change her clothes, every day we have to go for a walk - so I admit I have not a free minute in that time.
In May I have to began to learn because I had my exams in my college in Budapest. Without my husband’ s help I couldn’t really finish my study - than my father foresaw… I passed through my every exams. When I went to get an exam to Budapest my husband stayed with our daughter and told me that she wanted to nurse and she turned her head and looked for the place.
After my exams I proposed to my husband to go to a colony of artist. In 1964 these colonies of artist worked very well. There was breakfast, lunch and dinner. An artist received an atelier with a room and bathroom. While we were eating out breakfast the cleaners cleaned our rooms very beautifully. I remember that the floor was so shiny than a skating rink.
In the artist colony was a very good company. Every evening we were talking,drinking, singing, enjoying the life and my little daughter was sleeping I didn’t need anybody to babysitter her because I heard if she would have cried. But it wasn’t characteristic of her, she had her schedule and so she always was sleeping all night.
On the colony of artist we began to say that we don’t want to go back D. town, in the new socialist town where every house was a modern cube, there wasn’t atmosphere in the town. When we said it, a young couple asked us : ‘Do you speak seriously?’ ‘Yes’ - we said. I had my little flat in Budapest where my sister and brother lived and we decided to move there. Our single problem was how could we manoeuvre this flat to our friends’ hand. ( I have to say something what is incomprehensible for who didn’t know the socialism here. When the D. town’s council assigned this flat to my husband after this council had to give up the right of this flat and it got under Ministry of Education and Culture.) So we found out that our friend would send a application for receiving a D.town atelier and in the same time we would send a letter that we renounced about our D.town’s flat. If we were lucky and they would connect the two application, and if our friends/ and not another competitor - received our flat, they would pay our moving.
Everything managed. Our D.town’s flat had been assigned to this couple and we never went back to D. town.In 1965 January we went to Budapest, in a tiny flat where 5 persons lived with us together.
My husband went at a night with a lorry and brought our furniture, vessels, cloths etc. to Budapest. He told happily that he didn’t meet anybody. So we fled away from D. town.
Unfortunately my father died in April 1965. He was 61 year-old and active lawyer. I got a nervous breakdown because it was so unexpected and I loved him very much. We travelled home. In that time the decease was lied in his catafalque at home. I ran to him to hug him but shrank back when I touched him, he was very cold and hard than a statue.
He had gotten ill on Easter Eve. I had to say that he never was ill. He was working in whole life. On Saturday he told us that he had felt unwell, and he wanted to stay in his bed. My mother was full of household work because of Easter. Poor Mum told me he isn’t ill he is hypochondriac. I know that he couldn’t know what she spoke in her hurry.
I decided to clean his room because it is good to lie a very clean room. Our garden was full of his favourite flowers, hyacinths. I picked a bunch and put on his beside tables. I saw he was happy. We called the doctor - who was one of his friends - and he told ‘this is nothing you caught a cold on your motorbike.’
In Easter he was with us as a healthy man. In Monday he went in his lawyer’s office from morning to evening, on Tuesday again. On Tuesday evening when he went to bed, he asked for a glass of water and when my mother brought to him, he was already dying, he was unconscious. Three doctors lived nearby. My mother tried to wake them up; he could wake up only the third, but it was late, he died.
I had to tell in spite of the antecedents he was the happiest grandfather, if he was at home he couldn’t take his eyes off his grand-daughter. He didn’t allow us to put a nappy to her, because according him a nappy works as she would be in steam. We try to explain him that means that we have to change her sheet, and it is difficult.He insisted!
His funeral was so big that when we glanced at backward we didn’t see the end of the line.
The withered bunch of hyacinth remained there while my Mum lived there. As I wrote earlier she began to sell our house.