Movies or television influence people’s behavior

[Quang1997]

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, people watch movies and television’s shows more than they set together and have a cup of tea! This increases the impact of media in general on individuals and the whole society. People’s behavior is totally influence by what they get from watching movies or television. They have their one impact on children, youth and elder people.

First and foremost, for children, a picture paints a thousand of words, this means when a child watches a certain attitude on the television for example, he or she starts to imitate directly. It can be good or bad depending on what that child is watching! This forces parents to keep an eye on their children and take care of what their children are watching on television. In addition, theories proves that the media has great effect on kids behavior, a violent kid most probably watches violent movies, also a hesitated kid gets affected by watching horror movies and so on. As a result children should be away from bad influence of media. Parents should recommend some cartoon and baby songs instead.

Secondly, for youth, again movies and television’s shows affect the young people a lot. Especially, when they are teenagers, romantic movies play with their feelings and may be give them bad or good experiences about love. Besides, Violent and action movies also play a huge role in youth’s personality. It makes them a bite aggressive and with a prompt reaction which may cause a lot of problems. Moreover, some youth become addicted to watching movies and television. Due to, they waste a lot of their time instead of hitting the books and become running out of steam. They should balance their time between watching movies and studying their lessons.

In conclusion, without a doubt watching movies and television is an interesting activity in one’s day. However, people should be away from its sides effects and don’t let it to change their behavior by fitting a suitable time slot into their life schedule.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Social History

[Luschen]

Hi Phuong, I have a feeling these essays are written by more than one person.
There seem to be at least two very different styles. That is ok, but if you let me know who wrote each one, I think it would allow me to give more constructive comments.
I thought this essay was very effective. One problem is that in your thesis you mention children, youth, and elderly, but your body paragraphs do not discuss the elderly at all.
Maybe you didn’t get time to write that third body paragraph, but if so,
be sure to edit the thesis statement so it matches what you wrote.
I did think your organizational structure was effective - this is the first essay I’ve seen that divided the paragraphs by age group, but it worked well. Your writing sounds pretty natural for the most part, but you do have some awkward words and phrases here and there. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Quang1997

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, people watch movies and [television] shows more than they [sit] together and have a cup of tea! This increases the impact of media in general on individuals and the whole society. [As a result, ] {it sounded a little choppy, so you need to add a transtion phrase like this} People’s behavior is totally [influenced] by what they get from watching movies or television. [These media sources] have [a special] impact on children, youth and [elderly] people.

First and foremost, for children, a picture paints a thousand of words[;] this means when a child watches{“sees” is better here} a certain attitude on the television for example, he or she starts to imitate [this inclination] directly. It can be good or bad depending on what that child is watching! {generally I would avoid using exclamation points in formal essays like this} This forces parents to keep an eye on their children and take care of what their children are watching on television. In addition, theories [prove] that the media has great effect on [kids’] behavior, [showing that] a violent kid most probably watches violent movies, also a hesitated {it would be “hesitant”, but that does not really work here - maybe “fearful” or “insecure” or “withdrawn”} kid gets affected by watching horror movies and so on. As a result[,] children should be [kept] away from [the] bad influence of media. Parents should recommend some [inoffensive] {cartoons themselves can often be violent} cartoon[s ] and baby songs instead.

Secondly, for youth, again movies and[ television] shows affect the young people a lot.{try to avoid “a lot” in formal essays - here you could say “to a great extent”} Especially, when they are teenagers, romantic movies play with their feelings and may be give them bad or good experiences about love.{“experiences about” is not really correct - you don’t really get experiences from watching a movie - maybe “viewpoints” or “perspectives”} Besides, Violent and action movies {this sounds a bit odd, since “action movie” is a genre, but “violent movie” is not - so maybe " Besides, action movies filled with violence also …"} also play a huge role in youth’s personality. It makes them a bite {“bite”? maybe you meant “bit”?} aggressive and with a prompt reaction {“prompt reaction” is unclear, and prompt has a very positive connotation, so it would not work here in any case} which may cause a lot of problems. Moreover, some youth become addicted to watching movies and television. Due to, they waste a lot of their time instead of hitting the books and become [end up] running out of steam. {you usually run out of steam because you work too hard - it is similar to “overworked” - this would be a case of “fail to get up to speed”} They should balance their time between watching movies and studying their lessons.

In conclusion, without a doubt watching movies and television is an interesting activity in one’s day. However, people should be away from its [sides] effects {I think you meant “should stay away from …” , but better to say "should be aware of its side effects} and [not] [allow] it to change {or “do not let it change their …”} their behavior by fitting a suitable time slot [of media consumption] into their life schedule.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Social History