Media Violence - IELTS - Task 2

[Lemin1991]

Hi, Luschen. Could you please give me comment on my IELTS essay? Thank you in advance.

Topic: Violence on TVs and media should be restricted. Do you think so?

People have a different view whether violence on media should be limited. While I tend towards to the viewpoint that aggressive content may be good in some ways, I would have to support a strict control over it.

Some people believe that media violence is a normal phenomenon, and should not be prohibited, to a certain extent. Firstly, children need a good example to follow, and such action movies as X-men, RoboCop provide them a wide range of extraordinary heroes. They usually use violent means to punish “bad guys”, the behavior inspire children to try to seek justice by violent power. Secondly, action movies usually show that criminals deserve to receive strong punishment. This enables citizens to understand that they should not get involved in offences, otherwise they will suffer. Finally, violent contents convey the reality of life, and help people separate bad and good things.

However, I would argue that media violence should be strictly controlled. There is no room for doubt that a long-term exposure to aggressive images has an adverse effect on children’s mental development, leading to an increase in their hostility rates. Rather than using several peaceful means to solve problems or disagreement, adolescents express hostile behavior when arguing with others. This is mainly because children cannot define the rights and wrongs. Thus, I believe that the risk of criminal convictions among youngsters would be reduced significantly if parents guided their children toward age-appropriate shows such as discovery channel or limited their watching-television hours.

In conclusion, it seems to me that media coverage of violence should be restricted at least by parents. Only then will we be able to give children the safe, healthy childhood, and adolescence they deserve.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the Louisiade Archipelago host more bird species than the Hawaiian Islands?

[Lemin1991]

Hi Luschen, could you please check my IELTS essay? Thank you in advance

[Luschen]

Hi Lemin, I think your essay is very good. You have addressed the topic well, though I think there is still some room for improvement. Please see my comments below. Good luck on your test this week. As I told Trang, try not to be too nervous and make sure to get a good night’s sleep before the exam.

@Lemin1991

Hi, Luschen. Could you please give me comment on my IELTS essay? Thank you in advance.

Topic: Violence on TVs and media should be restricted. Do you think so?

People have a different view[s on] whether violence [ i]n media should be limited. While I tend towards to the viewpoint that aggressive{“aggressive” does not quite work in this context - maybe “… that tv shows and movies showing anti-social or even criminal content may …”} content may be good in some ways, I would have to support a strict control over it. {this is not really what your essay says though - maybe you should say that excessive government regulation is not the best idea, but instead parents need to exercise strict control over the media their children consume}

Some people believe that media violence is a normal phenomenon, and should not be prohibited, to a certain extent.{the “to a certain extent” seems to contradict the “should not” here} Firstly, children need a good example to follow, and such action movies as X-men [and] RoboCop provide them a wide range of extraordinary heroes. They usually use violent means to punish “bad guys”, [so] the behavior inspire[s ] children to try to seek justice by violent power. {this seems like a bad thing though, which sort of works against your previous sentence - maybe something like “Although these superheroes may use violent means to fight their enemies, in the end justice prevails and the proper moral order is restored”} Secondly, action movies usually show that criminals deserve to receive strong punishment. This enables citizens to [better] understand {I think they probably understand it already, this just reinforces their understanding} that they should not get involved in offences, otherwise they will suffer. Finally, violent contents convey the reality of life, and help people separate bad and good things.{try to avoid using “things” - it makes this sentence sound vague to me - what exactly do you mean?}

However[ despite these apparent benefits] {this seems like a better transition}, I would argue that media violence should be strictly controlled. There is no room for doubt that a long-term exposure to aggressive{once again, anti-social or brutal seem better} images has an adverse effect on children’s mental development, leading to an increase in their hostility rates. Rather than using several peaceful means to solve problems or disagreement[s ], adolescents [exposed to violent media often] express hostile behavior when arguing with others. This is mainly because [such] children cannot define the rights and wrongs.{“define right and wrong” sounds better} Thus, I believe that the risk of criminal convictions among youngsters would be reduced significantly if parents guided their children toward age-appropriate shows such as discovery channel{capitalize} or limited their watching-television [watching] hours.

In conclusion, it seems to me that media coverage of violence {“media coverage of violence” means the news covering violent news events} should be restricted[,] at least by parents. Only then will we be able to give children the safe, healthy childhood,{no coma} and adolescence they deserve.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the Louisiade Archipelago host more bird species than the Hawaiian Islands?