Kindly rate this for IELTS band

[Vinoth.prog]

Q10. You have seen an advertisement for a part time job welcoming visitors to your town.
Write to the recruiters. In your letter
* Explain why you want the job
* Describe why you would be a good person for the role
* Describe any relevant experience you may have

Dear Sir/Madam,
I’m hereby writing you to apply for a part time job involved in welcoming the visitors to Bangalore as advertised in Deccan Heralds on May 1st. I have recently graduated from Bangalore University with
Tourism as my major as I want to work in this field. In addition, my previous internship was with Karnataka Tourisms as tour guide, where I was engaged in activities like interacting with tourists and helping them understand the heritage of Bangalore.
I enjoy the part where I get to interact and describe important places while travelling around the city with people who take the tours and make them feel welcoming. While I was looking for an opportunity to hone my skills further, I saw your ad
and it seems interesting and I’m confident in carrying this job efficiently. So I was hoping if you would consider me for the said position.

Looking for your positive response.

Thanks & regards,
XXX

[Luschen]

Hi Vinoth, another good letter, but a couple places where it could have sounded a little more polished or natural.

@Vinoth.prog

Q10. You have seen an advertisement for a part time job welcoming visitors to your town.
Write to the recruiters. In your letter
* Explain why you want the job
* Describe why you would be a good person for the role
* Describe any relevant experience you may have

Dear Sir/Madam,
I’m hereby {this sounds a little odd, like you are making a proclamation} writing you to apply for a {“the” is better as you are talking about a particular job, as you state later in the sentence} part time job involved in welcoming the visitors to Bangalore as advertised in Deccan Heralds on May 1st. I have recently graduated from Bangalore University with
[tourism] as my major as I want to work in this field. In addition, my previous internship was with Karnataka [Tourism] as [a ]tour guide, where I was engaged in activities like interacting with tourists and helping them understand the heritage of Bangalore.
I enjoy the part where I get {past tense is better here as it sounds like you no longer have this position} to interact and describe important places while travelling around the city with people who take the tours and make them feel [welcome] {or “welcomed”} {in your sentence structure, it sounds a little like “people” are the ones who “make” - “people who take … and make”. I know it is you who “make”, but I would rephrase the sentence} While I was looking for an opportunity to hone my skills further, I saw your ad
and it [, which] seems interesting[,] {the two "and"s back-to-back sounded a little clunky} and I’m confident in carrying [out] this job efficiently. So {some grammar sticklers don’t think sentences should begin with “so” - I would try to avoid it} I was hoping if you would consider me for the said {“the said” sounds a little odd - I would probably try to use it less than you do - or maybe not at all! }position.

Looking for your positive response.

Thanks & regards,
XXX