Hi Luschen, I read your comment and I consider your advice about using template, but I asked from my coach and he said there would be no problem using template in exam. I tried to decrease standard sentences based on your suggestion but I really get used to it and I cannot change my approach just 1 week before the exam. Anyway, I am so grateful that you helped me to improve my writing so far and it means a lot to me. Thank you.
I would be grateful for correction to my essay for TOEFL Independent task.[/i]
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is just as important for older people to study and learn new things as it is for younger people too.
The 20th and 21th centuries are characterized by all the momentous changes they have made in humans’ lives. Perhaps one of the most important milestone of these two centuries is education. One of the most contentious questions, which is often raised regarding this issue, is whether adults and older people should study and improve their knowledge or not. There are various perspectives toward this issue, as some people might believe that education is necessary for all people and it is not important how old they are, while others maintain the opposite perspective and do not believe studying could be beneficial for older people. I personally concur with the former perspective. From my one vantage point, educating should be regarded as one the most important priorities in humans’ lives.
The first point that is worth bearing in mind is the fact that the pace of development in knowledge could not be compared with past years. Every day we can witness a new scientific invention which affects life and if people want to go along with these changes they should study and get acquainted with these new matters. To shed light on this matter, I want to mention an example. My grandfather whose age is 75 did not know how to work with ATM and POS devices. So, after several times he stuck in a lot of places like stores and malls because they did not accept paper money eventually he decided to learn how use these devices. Consequently, learning new things is inevitable for older people.
The second reason which deserves some words here is that I saw a lot of older people who are ashamed of their lack of knowledge. From a psychological standpoint, due to the lack of studying and learning old people do not feel comfortable to take part in society activities, because they are afraid of some debates which could be happened and they are not familiar with them and they are ashamed of saying that they do not know anything about the issue. As result, they avoid society and prefer to stay alone. The noteworthy statistics, conducted at Johns Hopkins University, indicate that when a group of old people were taught about ongoing issues in the world and they gain a lot of information about variety of subjects such as global warming and the internet they really felt that they are more up to dated person and it boosts their self confidence. In addition, they could convey their information to other people and affect the society behavior. Because, lots of people pay attention to older people’s advices. So, learning could have other indirect influences on society, in addition to advantegous for older people.
To make a long story short, all the aforementioned reasons and examples lead us to conclusions that in the modern era, people are necessitated to study and learn and if they feel reluctant about learning, they would meet a lot of troubles in their private and social life. However, that was the story in a nutshell; actually there are a myriad of other reasons and examples supporting my opinion, which are not mentioned above due to the dearth of time. All in all, it is highly recommended that a survey be conducted to assess what other profound impacts lacking of knowledge could have on people’s lives.
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