Is it more important to be an individual or to be part of a group?

Hi and welcome to our forum. Can you please tell us what exam you are preparing for and why? As for your writing, I suggest you use shorter sentences and try to stick to phrases that already exist instead of inventing your own. For example, the following of your sentence doens’t make anything I’m afraid:

Also, try to become a team player rather than seeing only yourself. How about you read other people’s essays as well as the comments and feedback they have received? Here is a good example:

I mean, you are writing about being part of a group. How about you trying to become par of our group?