Is it better that students work in break time or take course?

[Samiraslh]

please someone correct and rate my essay. Thank you

University has 2 programs for students in break time between 2 semesters which one do you prefer?
1- Taking some courses or classes which have no connection with your major
2- Taking work project (working in city, or in school to teach children to overcome/ do their homework)
In end of each semester, students have free time to do their favorite things. Some people would like to work in city or teach children in order to bolster children’s skills, whereas others hold another perspective. I have a propensity toward taking some courses or classes that do not have any connection with my field of study in that not only does it improve student’s knowledge, but also it has positive influences on their personal lives.
The first reason that should be taken into consideration is that taking different courses in break time makes students increase their knowledge. When taking a course, not only should student study for it, but also they should accomplish projects for it. As a result, they raise their knowledge. In addition, they may participate in a number of field trips helping them to increase their experiences. Furthermore, in these classes, they become familiar with different people having different background cultures, races, and religions. Consequently, they bolster their social skills. To elaborate on my point further, take the case of a girl taking part in a class in the break time and get familiar with a boy knowing astronomy. As a result, she can learn a lot of concepts about stars and solar system through him.
Apart from the points made above, no one can overlook the fact that people can enhance their personal lives through learning different skills. When mastering different skills, people can a number of their problems alone. In addition, they have the opportunity to experience another course in order to discover their talents. In during each semester, students are very busy to take part in these courses because they should focus on their field of study. However, in the break time, they have a free time to attend these activities and learn various courses. To illustrate further, consider a boy register for a painting class in the break time. In the past, she wanted to learn painting, but he did not have enough time. Consequently, he has a chance to master painting. It provides him to experience this field along with his major and test his talent in this field of study.
To put it in a nutshell, I am of the opinion that it is highly beneficial that students take a number of course that do not have connection with their major in break time. This is because, in this way, their knowledge has been improved, and their personal lives has been enhanced.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (1)

[Luschen]

Hi Samiraslh, not too bad, but I think your first body paragraph could have been more convincing. It seems like most of your explanation would apply equally well to a student’s standard classes, so I would try to focus on a reason that is unique to this particular program. Your writing is very clear throughout, but you did have some errors here and there. Make sure to understand the difference between too, so, and very. This is a good video I often recommend: youtube.com/watch?v=rQbkwdRoeY0 I think this one might not quite make it to the 4 level.

@Samiraslh

please someone correct and rate my essay. Thank you

University has 2 programs for students in break time between 2 semesters which one do you prefer?
1- Taking some courses or classes which have no connection with your major
2- Taking work project (working in city, or in school to teach children to overcome/ do their homework)
[At the] end {or “after the end”} of each semester, students have free time to do their favorite things.{try to avoid using “things” - here you could say “to pursue their own interests” or “favorite activities”} Some people would like to work in city or teach children in order to bolster children’s skills, whereas others hold another perspective. I have a propensity toward taking some courses or classes that do not have any connection with my field of study in that not only does it improve student’s knowledge, but also it has positive influences on their personal lives. {this intro sounds a little odd, as you seem to be talking about students in general, but this is a particular hypothetical situation where the university is offering these two options - I would try to make this more clear}
The first reason that should be taken into consideration is that taking different courses in [their] break time makes {“helps” or “allows students to increase” are better} students increase their knowledge. When taking a course, not only should [a ]student study for it, but also they should accomplish projects for it. {“should” sounds a bit odd here, as it implies this is optional, but I would assume such projects are assigned and mandatory} As a result, they raise their knowledge. In addition, they may participate in a number of field trips helping them to increase their experiences. Furthermore, in these classes, they become familiar with different people having different background cultures, races, and religions. Consequently, they bolster their social skills. To elaborate on my point further, take the case of a girl taking part in a class in the break time and get [who gets] familiar with a boy knowing [who knows] {or better, “who is an expert in astronomy”} astronomy. As a result, she can learn a lot of concepts about stars and solar system through him. {all of these reasons seem like they would apply to classes in general - maybe make it clear that these would probably be different classmates than those in your own major, so this would allow you to expand your social network in ways you otherwise would have been unable to.}
Apart from the points made above, no one can overlook the fact that people can enhance their personal lives through learning different skills. When mastering different skills, people can [solve] a number of their problems alone. In addition, they have the opportunity to experience another course in order to discover their talents. In during each semester, students are very [too] busy to take part in these courses because they should focus on their field of study. However, in the break time, they have a free time to attend these activities and learn various courses. To illustrate further, consider a boy register[ing] for a painting class in the break time. In the past, [he] wanted to learn painting, but he did not have enough time. Consequently, he has a chance to master painting. It provides him [an opportunity] to experience this field along with his major and test his talent in this field of study.
To put it in a nutshell, I am of the opinion that it is highly beneficial that students take a number of course[s during their break time] that do not have connection with their major in break time. This is because, in this way, their knowledge [will be] has been improved, and their personal lives has been [will be] enhanced.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (1)