Is it better for university students to live in dormitory than live at home with their parents . Agree or disagree?

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear Teacher,

Please help me with revising this essay for IELTS task 2. It’ an educational topic essay.

Is it better for university students to live in dormitory than live at home with their parents . Agree or disagree?

There is a host of divergent views whether youngsters who are in preparation for entering college live in a university dormitory or at home with their parents.Some people believe that choosing to live at home might be helping them in their financial security.However, as a young adult enters university, I fiercely argue that residing in a hall of residence is evidently the better option for most students.

From an economic perspective, Money plays an indepensable role in supporting undergraduates to pay their tuition fees. Schools are not responsible for granting students. Therefore, If they do not pay their course in time, they will definitely have to drop out of college. Thanks to parent’s support, pupils have more security when studying and researching in university. However, living far away from their parents, undergraduates have more time to find jobs that help them in making amount of their own income to use in their basic needs.

In addition, the choice of living at school is contributed by the fact that it develop personal growth in ways not otherwise possible with living at home. For example, when boarding at a dormitory, freshmen with descrepant preferences would learn to make compromises which is not necessary if they live with their parents who are generally more accommodating. Moreover, living away from home also teaches students to be more independent, because of having to manage their personal finance as well as taking care of their own nutritional needs. It is evident that people who lived in communal houses during college became more self-reliant.

To conclude this essay, I have an absolute belief that it makes more sense for freshmen to live on campus, for the ideas provided above.

[Luschen]

Hi Kelvin, I don’t think this essay was as strong as some of your other work.
The whole first body paragraph is not really applicable to the prompt.
I realize you are talking about finances, but you did not clearly tie this to the prompt. Is living in a dorm cheaper or more expensive? I could not understand the point you were trying to make.
Your second body paragraph was better, but try to expand your reasons with explanations and examples to support your claims. Here are some other comments:

@kelvincumberbatch

There is a host of divergent views [concerning] whether youngsters who are in preparation for entering college {this is incorrect - you do not live in a dorm when you are preparing to enter college, you live there while you attend college - after you have entered} [should] live in a university dormitory or at home with their parents.Some people believe that choosing to live at home might [help] them in their financial security. {“help them be more financially secure” sounds better} However, as a young adult enters [attends] university, I fiercely argue that residing in a [residence hall] is evidently the better option for most students.

From an economic perspective, [money] plays an indepensable role in supporting undergraduates to pay their tuition fees. {this sounds pretty awkward - money doesn’t really support the undergraduates, although it does allow them to pay their fees. Their parents or their jobs or savings are what supports them though} Schools are not responsible for granting students. {granting students what? this is missing something - maybe you mean “providing students with grants”} Therefore, If they do not pay their course [tuition] in time, they will definitely have to drop out of college. {this paragraph is using an awful lot of words to basically say “students need to pay for college”} Thanks to parent’s support, pupils {which pupils? pupils who live at home or pupils today compared to those in the past? “more” means a comparison between two groups} have more security when studying and researching in university. However, living far away from their parents, undergraduates have more time to find jobs that help them in making amount [enough] of their own income to use [for] their basic needs. {this paragraph seemed very confusing - what exactly does any of this have to do with the prompt? You are supposed to be discussing living in dorms rather than at home, but you have not connected the high cost of college to the prompt’s topic at all}

In addition, the choice of living at school is contributed {“is contributed” sounds unnatural here - try “the choice to live at school is bolstered by…”} by the fact that it [develops] personal growth in ways not otherwise possible [while] living at home. For example, when boarding at a dormitory, freshmen with [disparate] preferences would learn to make compromises[,] which is not necessary if they live with their parents who are generally more accommodating. Moreover, living away from home also teaches students to be more independent, because of having to manage their personal [finances] as well as taking care of their own nutritional needs. {although in a dorm there is usually a cafeteria, so students living there actually have less of a role in preparing food and so on.} It is evident that people who lived in communal houses during college became more self-reliant. {try to expand these reasons with some examples so it doesn’t sound like a list of unsubstantiated claims}

To conclude, this essay I have an absolute belief that it makes more sense for freshmen to live on campus, for the ideas provided above.

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear Luschen,

Thanks a ton for your help