Ill be very appreciated if someone rate my essay

[Borg4]

Topic is :
Television is a good influence on children. Do u agree or disagree ? Why ?

Some people thinks television is a good influence on children. However it is quite the contrary for me. In my personal perspective, I feel that television is not a good influence on children. For example causes of health spending too much time front of television, how television can be dangerous about violent and lastly i want to write about relationship between television and social life.

First, i was watching too much television when i was a toddler . One day i realize that i had watched tv almost 15 hour before i finally exhausted from watching television. It was so bad because my eyes were like a monster eyes when i looked myself in mirror . I thought that i really got sick because of television. After that day i feel so sick and enervated i hardly had opened my eyes before i went to breakfast. and also i had felt nausea before went to breakfast. After that day i promise myself to never watch too much tv. I think that Watching too much tv can make a people really sick.

Moreover, when i was a child i realized that how i was angry to one of the friend from my school. There were not a big deal issue but i really had hardly controlled my self before i almost accost him. I was so bad and so angry my feelings were so pitfall about him. Even though i said to myself " i am a good person" , i wanted to accost him. I think that was because of watching too much television. I think watching too much Tv made me very tyrannical on that day.

Furthermore, when i was a child i realize that i had not got more friends like now. I Neither wanted to play nor wanted go with them when i was watching too much tv. My social life was in a bad mode. I thought i was pushing the envelope at that time. During this session i felt so lonely my friends was looking at me like i came from the different planet inasmuch as i hadn’t really tried to connect with them. Killing two birds in one stone is little big hard if u watching too much tv but also you wanting to get more friends in other word you want to increase your social life.

Suffice it to say, For this reasons television is not a good influence for children. Who wants to his or her children to become antisocial ? I think not many people. Every parent should eschew her or his toddler from watching too much tv.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the Louisiade Archipelago host more bird species than the Hawaiian Islands?

[Luschen]

Hi, your writing is not too bad. I did not really like your organization though. Your thesis was weak and you should start your body paragraphs with topic sentences. Your examples are good, but try to make some statements to integrate the examples better into your essay. An essay shouldn’t just be a list of examples. Making a basic error of not capitalizing “I” gives a very bad impression to the grader, as does substituting “u” for “you”. Your grammar is quite good, but you have used some words incorrectly. Overall, I would rate this essay a 3.5 out of 5.

@Borg4

Topic is :
Television is a good influence on children. Do u[you] agree or disagree ? Why ?

Some people thinks television is a good influence on children. However it is quite the contrary for me. In[From] my personal perspective, I feel that television is not a good influence on children. For example causes of health spending too much time front of television, how television can be dangerous about violent and lastly i want to write about relationship between television and social life. {this is not a complete sentence - I would combine it with the previous sentence. Your second phrase does not sound like a reason at all. Your introduction could use one additional general statement about tv or children to start. Try " I feel that television is not a good influence on children because it can harm their health, make them more violent, and interfere with their social lives"}

First, i was watching[watched] too much television when i was a toddler .{the first sentence in each body paragraph is your topic sentence and should give a reason backing up your thesis} One day i realize[d ] that i had watched tv [for] almost 15 hour before i finally [became] exhausted from watching television. It was so bad because[that] my eyes were like a monster['s] eyes when i looked [at] myself in mirror . I thought that i really got sick because of television. After that day{Do you mean “The next day” ?} i fe[lt] so sick and enervated i hardly had opened my eyes before i went to breakfast.{no period} and also i had felt nausea[ted] before [I] went to breakfast. After that day i promise[d ] myself to never watch too much tv. I think that Watching{no caps} too much tv can make a people really sick. {this is a topic sentence - something like this should have started your paragraph}

Moreover, when i was a child i realized that how i was angry to[at] one of the[my] friend[s ] from my school. There were not a big deal{“big deal” is too informal for this type of writing} issue {“It was not an important issue …”} but i really had hardly controlled[trouble controlling] my self{one word} before i almost accost[ed] him. I was so bad and so angry my feelings were so pitfall {I think you mean “pitiful”, but this isn’t really the right word here} about him. Even though i said to myself " i am a good person" , i wanted to accost him. I think that was because of watching too much television. I think watching too much Tv made me very tyrannical on that day.

Furthermore, when i was a child i realize[d ] that i had not got more friends like now.{“… I did not have many friends like I do now.”} I Neither{no caps} wanted to play nor wanted go with them when[because] i was watching too much tv. My social life was in a bad mode{“situation” might be better}. I thought i was pushing the envelope at that time.{“pushing the envelope” usually has a good connotation - maybe say “in a downward spiral”} During this session[period] i felt so lonely my friends w[ere] looking at me like i came from the[a] different planet inasmuch as i hadn’t really tried to connect with them. Killing two birds in one stone{this idiom doesn’t really make sense here} is little big hard if u[you are] watching too much tv but also you [are] wanting to get more friends in other word you want to increase your social life. {this sentence is very awkward}

Suffice it to say, For th[ese] reasons television is not a good influence for children. Who wants to his or her children to become antisocial ? I think not many people. Every parent should eschew{this is incorrect - you want your toddler to eschew tv. Use “prevent”} her or his toddler from watching too much tv.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the Louisiade Archipelago host more bird species than the Hawaiian Islands?

[Borg4]

Thank u very very very much i learned lots of thing because of you. You giving your time for reading peoples essay it really a nice thing. Now I’m gonna post another essay i just wrote .