IELTS Writing: The gap in society

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Please help me with this IELTS Writing task 2 essay.

Thank you.
The gap between the rich and the poor is increasingly wide,as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause? What are the solutions to address those problems?

It is widely acknowledged that the gap between privileged and underprivileged people are becoming greater in many parts of the world. While income inequality is more likely lead to several problems, there are some solutions to improve this situation will be analyzed in the following essay.
The increasing gap between the two classes of society might result in some potential drawbacks. Firstly, this can cause great disparities in the level of education services that people can access. For example, whereas youngsters who were born and raised in a wealthy family can have a greater access to international schools with state-of-the-art curriculum, poorer ones tend to find it harder to approach high quality education. As a result, life becomes unfair for people who live on the breadline. Secondly, underprivileged people are getting relatively poorer compared to others in society, it is more difficult for them to meet their basic needs such as needs for food, housing, accommodation. Therefore, they may resort to violence and opt for the life of criminals.

Some effective solutions could be implemented to tackle these issues. The first one would be to provide special educational opportunities for people coming from an impoverished background. For instance, universities can increase the adequate provision of financial aids for poorer people, which will help these students become competent workers in the future and earn a living. Additionally, the government should apply tax and pension systems which favour poor citizens. To be specific, those who earn more money should be required to pay higher tax than others. This would help minimise economic inequality in society.
There is no doubt that the gap present clearly today between the poor and the rich is getting wider by time and is affecting our way of life. However, some initiatives in this essay could be taken to deal with this matter

[Luschen]

Hi, I liked this essay better than the previous one. The solutions here seem more practical. The essay format is good, with correct topic sentences.
The introduction is a little rote, but it does get the job done. The vocabulary is pretty good and there are not too many grammar errors. I think this one might score at the band 7 level. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

It is widely acknowledged that the gap between privileged and underprivileged people [is] becoming greater in many parts of the world. While income inequality is more likely [to[ lead to [severe] problems, there are some [practical] solutions to improve {“for improving” is better here} this situation[, which] will be analyzed in the following essay.
The increasing gap between the two classes of society might result {“has resulted” sounds stronger here} in some potential drawbacks.{a drawback is usually a bad outcome of something intended to be good or of a proposed solution - nobody is really saying income equality is good or a solution to anything} Firstly, this can cause great disparities in the level of education services that people can access. For example, whereas youngsters who were born and raised in a wealthy family can have a greater access to international schools with state-of-the-art [curricula], poorer [students] tend to find it harder to approach high quality education. As a result, life becomes unfair for people who live on the breadline. {this is not the best summary of a result - maybe “The result is a downward spiral where kids from poor families lack the education that could lift them from poverty, and so end up even poorer than their parents.”} Secondly, underprivileged people are getting relatively poorer compared to others in society[. Therefore, it] is more difficult for them to meet their basic needs such as needs for food, housing, [and] accommodation. [Eventually], they may resort to violence and opt for the life of criminals. {why are students so quick to jump to criminal behavior? Maybe just say these poor won’t be able to live fulfilling lives and lose the chance of contributing to society to the best of their ability, since they are forced to focus on survival?}

[Fortunately,] Some effective solutions could be implemented to tackle these issues. The first one would be to provide special educational opportunities for people coming from an impoverished background. For instance, universities can increase the adequate provision of financial [aid] for poorer people, which will help these students become competent workers in the future and earn a [good] living. Additionally, the government should apply tax and pension systems which favour poor citizens. To be specific, those who earn more money should be required to pay [a ]higher tax than others. This would help minimise economic inequality in society.
There is no doubt that the gap present clearly [present] today between the poor and the rich is getting wider [over] y time and is affecting our way of life. However, some initiatives [outlined] in this essay could be taken to deal with this matter

[kelvincumberbatch]

@kelvincumberbatch

Dear teacher,

Please help me with this IELTS Writing task 2 essay.

Thank you.
The gap between the rich and the poor is increasingly wide,as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause? What are the solutions to address those problems?

Thank you very much, Teacher.