IELTS writing task II-where university students live

[thuhienvn1998]

first of all, thanks for your help. this is my essay. please give me advice.

MY TOPIC:
Many university students live with their families, while others live away from home because their universities are in different places. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both situations?

MY ESSAY:
In order to pursue higher education, some students have to move to a different city or country, while others have the opportunity to continue staying with their parents in their hometown. There are both benefits and drawbacks of both mentioned situations.

Living with family can make significant contributions to building students’ ethics in their formative years. In fact, if students live in their homes, their parents will have more opportunities to keep them in harness and give them a piece of advice when individual university students fall into wrong behaviours. Thanks to the supervision of their parents, the young generation could have better morals. Besides the advantage, the drawback that can be seen in the situation is excessive dependence on their families. The reason for this is that living at home with family, students have not chances to experiment with difficulties and challenges in the real life. Therefore, these students would have a lack of practical skills which are really essential and important in the latter stage of their life and their success.

On the other hand, university students living outside also reach many good points and bad points. As regarding to advantages, students living independently away from home can cultivate and improve their self-made skill themselves, because they usually have to make their own decisions as well as charge responsibilities of their own life. It is likely that the students could be able to be more adaptive to the today’s ever-changing society than ones staying at parents’ residential areas. However, there are still various disadvantages. It is evident that young people living far away from home can be easily enticed by bad guys and fall into a wide variety of social evils due to the deficiency of care from families. As a result, these students could become not useful people, even dangerous ones in the society.

In conclusion, living with or away from relatives, university students can face many different drawbacks. Nevertheless, there are certain advantages in each situation.

[Luschen]

Hi Nguyen Thi Thu Hien, this seems like a pretty challenging prompt, because there are really four separate parts. I think your format is effective here, as it makes sense to have one paragraph per living arrangement. Your points are developed nicely, with reasons and examples for each advantage and disadvantage. You have a few synonyms that do quite work, but overall your vocabulary is pretty good. You have a few minor grammar errors, but nothing that really interferes with my comprehension. I think this one might rate a band 7. Here are some specific comments:

@thuhienvn1998

In order to pursue higher education, some students have to move to a different city or country, while others have the opportunity to continue staying with their parents in their hometown. There are both {I would leave out this both - the back-to-back "both"s are a little awkward - maybe “there are benefits as well as drawbacks”} benefits and drawbacks of both mentioned {“both of these situations” seems more natural here} situations.

{I would add a transition here, like “To begin, living”} Living with family can make significant contributions to building students’ ethics {“sense of ethics” is more natural I think} in their formative years. In fact, if students live in their homes, their parents will have more opportunities to keep them in harness {this sounds like the kids are horses! } and give them a piece of advice {hopefully more than one piece of advice! } when individual {why “individual” here?} university students fall into wrong behaviours. Thanks to the supervision of their parents, the young generation could have better morals. Besides the advantage, the drawback that can {I would say “Along with this advantage, the associated drawback that …” to show the relationship between the advantage and drawback} be seen in the situation is excessive dependence on their families. The reason for this is that living at home with family, students have [no] chances to experiment with difficulties and challenges in the real life. Therefore, these students would have a lack of practical skills which are really essential and important in the latter stage of their life and [critical to] their success.

On the other hand, university students living outside [the home] also reach {“reach” sounds odd here - maybe “incorporates”} many good points and bad points. As regarding to advantages, students living independently away from home can cultivate and improve their self-made skill {“self-made skill” sounds odd and unclear - maybe “skills involved in caring for themselves” } themselves, because they usually have to make their own decisions as well as [take] charge [of] responsibilities of their own life. It is likely that the students could be able to be more adaptive to the today’s ever-changing society than ones staying at parents’ residential areas. {this sounds odd, like they are staying in a house in their parents’ subdivision or down the block, but not in their actual house} However, there are still various disadvantages. It is evident that young people living far away from home can be easily enticed by bad guys {“bad guys” sounds a bit too informal for this type of essay} and fall into a wide variety of social evils due to the deficiency of care from families. As a result, these students could become [useless] people, even dangerous ones in the society.

In conclusion, [whether] living with or away from relatives, university students can face many different drawbacks. Nevertheless, there are certain advantages in each situation.