IELTS writing task II: the online based technology

[thuhienvn1998]

Dear teacher, the following is my essay. please help me improve the essay and give me band score.
thank you so much.

TOPIC: in the modern world it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is this a positive or negative development?

MY ESSAY:

In recent years, thanks to the ever-developing of the online based technology, humans could use more convenient and useful services for shopping, working as well as communication, instead of direct contacts. This improvement can bring not only positive impacts but also negative effects on the human’s life.

On the one hand, the development of online services can be considered as a good sign. The first reason for this is that they will save a huge amount of time to travel to shops or distant workplaces, if they use internet applications. In particular, many shoppers can use the Internet for shopping, thus saving time and petrol on trips to the supermarket as well as hunting around different places for bargains. Furthermore, interacting with others through the Internet can make significant contributions to building the relationship among people from various countries and cultures. A good example can be seen in Facebook where people with different cultural backgrounds can make friends together. As a result, people could expand their relationships, even have opportunities to exposure to cultural values across the world.

On the other hand, although there are clear positive aspects of this trend, there are also adverse aspects of having less face-to-face contact with other people. For instance, to maximum profits, many shops and outlets advertise their goods with the incorrect information of quality on the media such as TV, Facebook and other online shopping software. Therefore, online buyers can be strict into fade and undesirable goods and waste a great deal of money for products with low quality. In addition, communicating with others via online services can cause a wide variety of social problems. In fact, virtual friendships which are formed online may not be genuine. The obvious evidence is that the media carries many horror stories of youngers who fallen prey to paedophiles. Therefore, there need to undertake many useful actions to control these issues.

In conclusion, the development of live tools in terms of shopping, working and communicating can help people make friends and save time. However, this kind of improvement should carry a good part of the blame for the problems in modern society like the deterioration of family relationship and the issues of online purchasing.

[Luschen]

Hi, your writing here is not too bad, but your essay does not do the most important thing, whick is to answer the prompt. I still have no idea if you think this is a positive or negative development.
For this type of prompt, it is better to pick one side or the other. You can present the alternate viewpoint, but you should then show what that viewpoint is not really valid or important and that your viewpoint is the correct one. You do say it carries “a good part of the blame for the problems in modern society”, which seems extremely harsh to me! But you still don’t clearly say that overall this trend is a negative development. This would result in a low TA score - overall, I would expect this to score around a band 5. Here are some specific suggestions:

@thuhienvn1998

In recent years, thanks to the ever-developing {“ever-developing” is an adjective, but here you have used it as a noun - try “continual development”} of the online based technology, humans {“humans” is used when talking about biology or when comparing humans to animals. So here it sounds a little like you are stressing that shopping online is not a possibility for dogs and cats ) } [can] use more convenient and useful services for shopping[ and] working as well as communication, instead of direct [contact with others]. This improvement can bring not only positive impacts but also negative effects on the human’s life. {this thesis does not really answer the prompt well. Is this a positive or negative development? From your thesis, I cannot tell}

On the one hand, the development of online services can be considered as a good sign. The first reason for this is that they {who is “they”? try “consumers and workers”} will save a huge amount of time [spent traveling] to shops or distant workplaces, if they use internet applications. In particular, many shoppers can use the Internet for shopping, thus saving time and petrol on trips to the supermarket as well as hunting around different places {“stores” is more specific} for bargains. Furthermore, interacting with others through the Internet can make significant contributions to building [relationships] among people from various countries and cultures. A good example can be seen in Facebook[,] where people with different cultural backgrounds can make friends together. {“make friends together” sounds a bit odd - you mean “become friends”, right?} As a result, people could expand their relationships, [or] even have opportunities to [be exposed] to cultural values across the world.

On the other hand, although there are clear positive aspects of this trend, there are also adverse aspects of having less face-to-face contact with other people. For instance, to [maximize] profits, many shops and outlets advertise their goods with the incorrect information [regarding] quality on the media such as TV, Facebook and other online shopping software. {this is a little odd - first you mention TV, which is not part of the prompt at all. Then you talk about “shops and outlets”, so are your talking about the drawbacks of brick and mortar stores? If so, this goes against the paragraph’s theme} Therefore, online buyers can be strict into fade and undesirable goods {this phrase is incorrect and confusing - “strict into fade”?} and waste a great deal of money for products with low quality. In addition, communicating with others via online services can cause a wide variety of social problems. In fact, virtual friendships which are formed online may not be genuine. The obvious evidence is that the media carries many horror stories of [youngsters] who [have] fallen prey to paedophiles. Therefore, there need to [be undertaken] many useful [effective] actions to control these issues. {better to put this sentence into active voice}

In conclusion, the development of live tools {“live tools” is unclear to me} in terms of shopping, working and communicating can help people make friends and save time. However, this kind of improvement should carry a good part of the blame for the problems in modern society[,] like the deterioration of family relationship and the issues of online purchasing. {this last one is a little unclear - maybe because the issues you are referring to were unclear to me in your previous paragraph}