IELTS Writing task 2: When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
Please help me check my IELTS Writing task 2:

Thanks,

TOPIC

When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people believe that salary is one of the most indispensable factors when seeking a job. However, I completely disagree that salary is the most important part of choosing a job. Job satisfaction and career growth are equally key aspects of the job to be considered. My point of view will be proven in following paragraphs with more details.
When looking for a job most people have a tendency to prefer job satisfaction to the salary. Job satisfaction includes work-life balance, vacation, quality work. Studies show that job satisfaction improves human happiness and well-being. Take, for instance, an individual is in a low-paid job will be happier than the person making a lucrative income but constantly going through extreme stress and pressure at a workplace. Thus, job satisfaction should be considered as a crucial point. When making a choice between jobs.
In addition, when it comes to selecting a job, job seekers also believe that career growth is an equally important factor. Some points can be realized such as promotions, new skills, job experience are some of the parts of career growth. People tend to give importance to these qualities. A good example is a high income job can be only claimed if a person is holding a certain level of position in an organization, thus, it becomes essential for people to be considerate about this career growth aspect also.
As shown above, I totally disregard the salary aspect of a job. In my view, job satisfaction and career growth should be seen as two of the main aspects while making a job selection.

[Luschen]

Hi Kelvin, I think you did a good job of addressing this prompt and your essay is quite convincing. I was able to understand most of your points, but you had a lot of errors in your writing that sometimes interfered with my comprehension. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

Many people believe that salary is one of the most indispensable factors when seeking a job. However, I completely disagree that salary is the most important [element/determinant/influence when] choosing a job. [I feel strongly that] Job satisfaction and career growth are equally {equally here means these two factors are equal to salary in importance - but this contradicts what you say in your conclusion when you say they are much more important than salary} key aspects of the job to be considered. My point of view will be proven in following paragraphs with more details. {I would leave out this sentence, your previous one is a better thesis statement}
When looking for a job[,] most people have a tendency to prefer job satisfaction to the salary. Job satisfaction includes work-life balance, vacation, [and] quality work. {“quality work” is unclear - do you mean how much you enjoy the work? Or the pleasantness of the work environment? or how meaningful the work is?} Studies show that job satisfaction improves human [an employee’s] {human is generally used when talking about biology or comparing humans to animals. So here it sounds like you are stressing that job satisfaction is very important for humans, but maybe not as important for animals} happiness and well-being. Take, for instance, an individual [who] is in a low-paid job[. This worker] will be happier than the person making a lucrative income but constantly going through extreme stress and pressure at a workplace. Thus, job satisfaction should be considered as a crucial point[ when] making a choice between jobs.
In addition, when it comes to selecting a job, job seekers also believe that career growth is an equally important factor. Some points can be realized such as {“some points can be realized” sounds odd and unclear here} [Promotions,] new skills[ and] job experience are some of the parts of career growth. People tend to give importance to these qualities. A good example is [that] a high income job can be only claimed if a person [holds] a certain level of position in an organization {better to say “Proof of this is that those jobs that rank high in an organization are generally also the ones that feature high salaries.” [Thus], it becomes essential for people to [consider] about {“be considerate” means to think of others, to be polite} this career growth aspect also.
As shown above, I totally disregard the salary aspect of a job. {this seems a little too strong} In my view, job satisfaction and career growth should be seen as two of the main aspects {I think “seen at the two main aspects” might be better, since you feel so strongly} while making a job selection.