IELTS Writing Task 2. Topic: Education. Please help me improve my writing!

[Dan_Pham]

Hi Mr Luschen, how are you?
Could you help me score and give me some comment for me to improve my essay?
Thank you in advance ^^

Topic: Some people think that schools should reward students who shows the best academic results, while other believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

My essay:

How to motivate students to acquire more achievements in school has been a debated topic recently. Some claim that only outstanding academic achievers should be given grants, while others feel that it is more essential that encouragement need offering to students, who endeavour to study. However, I personally lean forward to the latter idea rather than the former one.

On the one hand, giving award to straight-A students can help to enhance their achievement in school. This means that offering reward for these pupils can encourage them to attain more remarkable goals in their academic path. For example, when an excellent student feel the sense of honour by receiving scholarship, they seem to make an effort to improve or at least remain their performance in order to obtain more grants in the future.

Nevertheless, it might be more effective when schools take the idea of providing encouragement to other academic improvers stemming from their diligence on board. Firstly, giving the grants to students making progress toward their learning can lead to their academic improvements. For example, a compliment of teacher for any development, even the slightest one can provide the moderate-level students with an enormous source of confidence in their academic pathway. Moreover, being praised for their endeavor instead of the intellectual ability can benefit pupils in long term. For instance, when having to choose between an applicant who always attempts to complete the task between one who is smarter but less hard-working, the employers usually hire the former candidate.

In conclusion, although some advantages can be gained by awarding the elite students, I believe that giving support for those making progress in studying is more crucial.

[Luschen]

Hi Dan Pham, I am doing very well, thank you for asking! As far as your essay is concerned, I think you need to devote a little more space to summarizing why exactly you hold your specific opinion. For these three-part essays, your opinion is one part, and so deserves more than just a short sentence. Also, your first body paragraph really only discussed one reason. Try to come up with at least two reasons for each side in this type of essay. Besides that, your writing was very clear and your vocabulary was pretty good, though I have been able to find some room for improvement; here are my suggestions:

@Dan_Pham

How to [better] motivate students to acquire more achievements in school has been a [widely/hotly] debated topic recently. Some claim that only outstanding academic achievers should be given [recognition, perhaps in the form of grants,] {this makes it more clear that rewards does not only equal grants} while others feel that it is more essential that encouragement [be offered] need offering to [those] students, who endeavor {the prompt does not really refer to those who try hard or are determined, it specifically says those who have improved the most, those whose test scores rise the most during the school year} to study. However, I personally lean forward to the latter idea rather than the former one.

On the one hand, giving [awards] to straight-A students can help to enhance their achievement in school. This means that offering [rewards] for these pupils can encourage them to attain more remarkable {“remarkable” sounds a bit odd here - remarkable has the connotation of unusual or out of the ordinary} goals in their academic path. {this is pretty much just a paraphrase of your first sentence. It is better to either expand upon your initial idea or specify it a little more, instead of just repeating the exact same idea} For example, when an excellent student [feels] the sense of honour by receiving [a ]scholarship, they {it is best to try to make the singular/plurals match - change the first clause to “when excellent students”} seem to make an effort to improve or at least [retain] their [level of] performance in order to obtain more grants in the future. {try to have at least two reasons in each paragraph - you really only have one here. Another good reason is that in the working world, those who achieve the best performance are the ones who are rewarded appropriately. Thus, by doing the same, schools can better prepare their students for the real world. A third reason is that if the rewards come in the form of scholarships, this will be more likely to convince top performing students to remain at the school. These academic high fliers will not only improve the academic reputation of the school in the short term, but in the long run they are likely to become career successes, lending their prestige and hopefully their donations as well, to the school for many years to come. - Wow, that sentence may have been a bit too long! }

Nevertheless, it might be more effective when schools take the idea of providing encouragement to other [lesser academically gifted] improvers stemming from their diligence on board. {“on board” here doesn’t make sense - do you mean their diligence in studying?} Firstly, giving the grants to students making progress toward their learning can lead to their [continued] academic improvements. For example, a compliment [from a] teacher for any development [in any aspect of the education process], even the slightest one[,] can provide the moderate-level students with an enormous source of confidence in their academic pathway. Moreover, being praised for their [degree of] endeavor instead of [their raw] intellectual ability can benefit pupils in [the] long term. For instance, when having to choose between an applicant who always [exerts the maximum effort] to complete the task between [and] one who is smarter but less hard-working, the employers usually hire the former[, more motivated] candidate.

In conclusion, although some advantages can be gained by awarding the elite students, I believe that giving support for those making progress in studying is more crucial.