IELTS Writing task 2: The rich-poor gap

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Please help me check this IELTS Writing task 2, which is written by my friend.

TASK 2

The gap between the rich and the poor is increasingly wide, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause? What are the solutions to address those problem?

ANSWER

In recently years, the gap between the wealthy and the needy is likely becoming more extensive in many countries. While this circumstance causes a number of problems, there are several reasonable ways to solve those obstacles.

Firstly, the inequality between the poverty and the prosperity leads to increasing numbers of criminals. When low-income people become poorer and poorer, they may have no enough money to buy the necessaries of life such as food, drink, medicine or clothes. Therefore, people suffering from poverty normally tend to commit crimes by stealing, cheating or even robbing money or valuable things from others to meet their daily needs. Secondly, the national economic development can be limited. Whereas rich people working hard to make money have to pay a high tax, poor people just need to pay a little amount of tax or even do not pay. The high-income people will feel dissatisfied when the poor just do nothing or a few things and enjoy the public welfare. As a result, poor people are liable to make no money and rich ones tend to make less money.

Consequently, the government need to care about the real prices and real income to adjust the necessaries’ costs rationally which are affordable for all classes. If the price is reasonable, there is no need for the poor to cheat or rob others. In addition, the tax should be paid at a suitable amount for each different classes of citizens. Everyone should be responsible for paying tax to contribute the country’s economics.

In conclusion, not only the government but all citizens also need to join hands in establishing a prosperous country and narrow the distance between the rich and the poor.

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought your writing in this was pretty clear. You seem to have a good command of English, although your vocabulary is a bit basic. You have the right overall format, but your body paragraphs need topic sentences. A topic sentence should summarize the main point of the paragraph. You should be able to figure out what the topic sentences should be from your thesis statement. So here, While #1 this circumstance causes a number of problems, #2: there are several reasonable ways to solve those obstacles. This is a tough problem to deal with in the real world, but even so, your solutions did not seem very satisfying to me at all. It seems like the solution has to involve figuring out ways to transfer the wealth of rich people and deliver it to poor people. Maybe wealth taxes, maybe a minimum wage/living wage, maybe a guaranteed income, maybe housing and medical subsidies, maybe free college and job training for poor people, there are many ideas out there. Here are some additional suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

In [recent] years, the gap between the wealthy and the needy is likely becoming more extensive in many countries. While this circumstance causes a number of problems, there are several reasonable ways to solve those obstacles.

{Don’t just start off with your first reason, your topic sentence should summarize the main point of the paragraph - that there are many serious problems related to income inequality. } Firstly, the inequality between the poverty and the prosperity {it would have to be something like “those in poverty and the prosperous”} leads to increasing numbers of criminals. [This is because] {a transition like this better shows the relationship between the two sentences} When low-income people become poorer and poorer, they may [not have] enough money to buy the necessaries of life such as food, drink, medicine or clothes. Therefore, people suffering from poverty normally {“normally” seems pretty strong, like everybody does it. Maybe “often are tempted to commit”} tend to commit crimes by stealing, cheating or even robbing money or valuable things from others to meet their daily needs. Secondly, the national economic development can be limited [when huge wealth inequities are in place]. {you need to be sure to tie each reason back to the main topic - the rich-poor gap} Whereas rich people working hard to make money have to pay a high tax, poor people [are required] to pay [just a small] amount of tax or even [no tax at all] do not pay. The high-income people will feel dissatisfied when the poor just do nothing or a few things {“do nothing or a few things” is very vague - I suppose you mean that they do not work or only work a few hours each day} and enjoy the public welfare. As a result, poor people are liable to make no money and rich ones tend to make less money. {this is very confusing, because you are saying this is a result of income inequality, then at the end you say this is the cause of income inequality. Plus, this assumes that rich people work harder than poor people, which at least in the US does not seem to be the case in my eyes. Maybe a better point would be the poor would get discouraged because they work so hard for so little compared to the rich they see. So eventually they just give up and quit working for such meager wages, or they might rise up and strike or riot in order to get what they feel they are due.}

Consequently, the government [needs] to care about {“care about” seems odd - don’t they need to do something, not just care?} the real prices and real income to adjust the necessaries’ costs [of necessities] rationally [in order to make them] which are affordable for all classes. {once again, you need a more general and descriptive topic sentence - this topic sentence should cover the second part of the prompt - “There are several effective solutions that should be implemented to correct the problems caused by the great income differential.”} If the price is reasonable, {“if prices are” seems better} there is no need for the poor to cheat or rob others. In addition, [a suitable amount of] tax should be paid a suitable amount [by] each different [class] of [citizen]. Everyone should be responsible for paying tax to contribute the country’s economics. {Wow, tax the poor to solve the income gap! That sounds like something our US president could really get behind! But seriously, try to explain what problem this will help and how it will do so.}

In conclusion, not only the government but all citizens also need to join hands in establishing a prosperous country and [narrowing] the distance between the rich and the poor. {this is not really a good summary of your essay, because you mainly focus on alleviating the problems associated with the income gap, not actually reducing the income gap itself}

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Thank you very much,