IELTS Writing task 2:students are usually not good at managing money

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Please help me with this IELTS Writing task 2 essay.

(16/09/2017) High school students are usually not good at managing money. What are the reasons? What are the solutions?

It is true that high school students are usually found themselves not at their best in managing their own finance. There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon and several solutions should be adopted to improve the situation.

There are two primary reasons why high school student is having a hard time to control the flow of their money. One reason comes from their family. As a juvenile, high school students tend to find ways to acts more grow up but most of them just end up in the rebellion teenagers stage. They will act as the highest assertion of independence, and little adherence to parental advice during the adolescence years. Students at this age will turn a deaf ear to every advice their parents give for them, including in financial management. Furthermore, their mind at this stage is easily influenced by trends, and advertisements nowadays are taking advantage of this. Commercials on TV are aiming at youngster with a lot of persuasive style of talking. As a result, most high school students can not resist the temptation of getting themselves the things they assume to be “must-have” items, such as a new hoodie or a new model of iPhones.

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. The first solution would be teaching children how to make the most uses of their pocket money right from an early age. For example, by giving them compliments, encouragement and rewards after they have done something to save or resist the urge to send their money. Government and the media need to have some prohibit about the number of commercials that are shown and have a strict fine to the act of spamming tons of advertisement in any social media platforms. Celebrity endorsement should be banned, as young people of high school age are vulnerable to the association of certain products with glamour and success.

In conclusion, it is clear that there are various reasons for this trend, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem, so that, high school students can be persuaded to manage their money wiselier.

[Luschen]

Hi, you have some great ideas here and your essay format effectively addresses the prompt. Your first body paragraph takes a little too long to actually get to your first reason, and the reason itself is not really illustrated with an example or detailed explanation. Your writing is clear, but you have a lot of small errors in grammar and word usage that make a lot of your writing sound unnatural. Here are some additional suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

It is true that high school students are usually [find] themselves not at their best in managing their own [finances]. {this sentence is unnecessarily complicated - maybe just “are usually not the best at …”} There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon and several solutions [that] should be adopted to improve the situation.

There are two primary reasons why high school [students have] a hard time [controlling] the flow of their money. One reason comes from their family. As [juveniles], high school students tend to find ways to [try to act more grown] up but most of them just end up in the [rebellious teenager] stage. They will [attempt to assert their] independence, [with] little adherence to parental advice during the [adolescent] years. {we are three sentences into this paragraph and I still don’t know the reason - you need to state the reason after your topic sentence and remain focused on it} Students at this age will turn a deaf ear to every [piece of] advice their parents give for them, including [those concerning] financial management. Furthermore, their [minds] at this stage [are] easily influenced by trends, and advertisements nowadays are taking advantage of this. Commercials on TV are aiming at [youngsters] with a lot of persuasive [styles] of talking. {“styles of talking” sounds a little odd here} As a result, most high school students can not resist the temptation [to get] themselves the [products] {avoid using “things” - be more specific and creative} they assume to be “must-have” items, such as a new hoodie or [the latest] model [iPhone].

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. The first solution would be teaching children how to make the [best use] of their pocket money right from an early age. For example, by giving them compliments, encouragement and rewards after they have done something to save or resist the urge to [spend] their money. {this is not a complete sentence} [In addition,] Government and the media need to have some [prohibitions] about the number of commercials that are shown and have strict [fines for] the act of spamming tons of [advertisements] [on] social media platforms. [Furthermore, ]Celebrity [endorsements] should be banned, as young people of high school age are vulnerable to the association of certain products with glamour and success.

In conclusion, [students do find it challenging to effective control their finances. It] is clear that there are various reasons for this trend, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem, so that,{no comma here} high school students can be persuaded to manage their money [more wisely]. {try to have at least two sentences in your conclusion, and make sure to summarize your whole thesis, not just half of it.}

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Thank you very much.