IELTS Writing task 2- Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
Please help me with my IELTS Writing task 2,
Thank you,

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.
Discuss both views.

Nowadays, many people believe that working upon the graduating from high school has more opportunities to succeed than continue studying at the college. It seems fair that both of them has its own benefits.
Firstly, studying at the university helps you to enhance your high-level knowledge, which is very essential for your occupation and you have to study and dig into these knowledge. As a result, you will have better qualification and the opportunities to be offered a job. Moreover, the job market is becoming more and more competitive, thousands of people are chasing a degree at the college to look for a stable job, consequently, more and more people are carrying on their education to get the most suitable job
Keep studying the high level education has its own advantages and working after graduation also has its own benefits. First , working after high school helps you make end meets and obtain more experience and you will probably afford a house , a cool-looking car more rapidly. Then, having job after graduation also makes you promoted very quickly. You can widen your relationship to have a promotion and they can co- operate with you in a project when you work.
In conclusion, both of continuing to study at the university and looking for a job after the senior high school gain their own different advantages.

[Luschen]

Hi Kelvin, I think you did a great job of sticking to the prompt. You avoided the temptation to give your own opinion, which should not be given for this “discuss both views” type of prompt. You have pretty good content, but you seemed to repeat some of your ideas in your first body paragraph.
A good way to avoid this is to provide specific and detailed examples for each reason instead of just repeating the reason using different words, as it seems like you have done. Also, try to avoid using the second person “you” in a formal essay like this. Your writing will sound more academic if you can stick more to third person, plus you can use a wider variety of vocabulary like employees, students, workers, graduates, instead of just you, you, you. Here are some other suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

Nowadays, many people believe that working upon [graduation] from high school [provides] more opportunities to succeed than continue studying at [a] college. It seems fair that both of [these choices have their] own benefits.

Firstly, studying at the university helps you to enhance your high-level knowledge, {“high-level knowledge” is a bit odd and vague} which is very essential for your occupation and you have to study and dig into these knowledge. {The connection between this second clause and the rest of the sentence is not very clear. - maybe you mean that university gives students a chance to do this?} As a result, you will have better qualification {“you will be better qualified” is more natural} and [increased] opportunities to be offered a job. {this is still a little clumsy - maybe “increased job offers upon completion of your degree”} Moreover, the job market is becoming more and more competitive, [as] thousands of people are chasing a degree at the college to look for [land] a stable [job. Consequently], more and more people are carrying on their education to get the most suitable job. {there is quite a lot of repetition in your ideas here}

[While continuing to study in a higher education setting] has its own advantages[,] working after graduation also has its own benefits. {this repetition of “has its own” sounds clumsy - maybe “…graduation can also benefit those who choose this path.”} First , working after high school helps you make [ends meet] and obtain more experience and you will probably [be able to] afford a house [and] a cool-looking car more rapidly. Then, {“then” is more of a sequence transition - first this, then that. Use an additive transition here, like “Moreover” “Furthermore” or “In addition”} having [a] job after graduation also makes you [allows you to be] promoted very quickly. You can widen your relationship to have a promotion {this phrase is unclear - maybe “An early promotion can vastly expand your social network …”} and they {Who is “they” here? It’s a little unclear} can co- operate with you in a project when you work.

In conclusion, both of continuing to study at the university and looking for a job after the senior high school [provide] their own different advantages.