IELTS Writing task 2: Online education is becoming increasingly popular

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
Please help me check my IELTS Writing task 2 essay.
Thank you,

Essay topic :

Online education is becoming increasingly popular. Many students are choosing to study online instead of face - to - face education. Do the advantages of distant education outweigh the disadvantages?

It is true that in today’s busy lifestyle, online classes are sharply increasing with the advent of computer technology. More and more students tend to take online forums due to a lot of strong points and they will completely replace classroom learning. Personally, I think the online environment is the best method for students in the 21st century because of a great many strengths.
The first point, one of the main benefits of studying online is learners would gain up-to-date information in a lot of fields of study. This is linked to the fact that those learners can access updated contents at once while the traditional classes’ environment does not. Moreover, access to all resources of online courses are offered, which empower learners to freely choose a wide range of different subjects. For instance, students attending the national high school examination can have diverse opportunities to study in many forums on the internet such as the Moon, the Hocmai forum.
Additionally, online learning is a great alternative to the classroom environment, especially for those who could not afford the time and money to take a real course. That means those learners can take online classes anytime if they have a logical arrangement. Also, students could save money from commuting and they may not have to worry about the weather. Take my classmates as an example, the limited time is a reason why she cannot go to a private class. Hence, she chooses to take online courses to enhance her knowledge at home.

In conclusion, online education provides various positive aspects for learners. This is because of its unlimited resources as well as a reasonable time for students. Personally, I strongly believe that students should make an important decision about how to take advantage of the power of online courses.

[Luschen]

Hi, you have addressed this prompt correctly and your overall formal is effective. You have a good introduction and conclusion. You might have added one disadvantage and stated why it is not important - “Some argue that online courses lack the sense of community and focus on interpersonal skills that traditional classrooms provide. Yet with webcams and discussion forums, these innovative internet-based courses actually allow the students to become part of a real community, often with more interaction than that found in old-fashioned classes.” Something like that to show that you have considered the disadvantages. Your first paragraph seems to have quite a lot of repetitive sentences. It would be better to go more into detail of exactly what features you are talking about. Detailed examples are always a great way to boost your word count without risking repetition. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

It is true that [with] today’s busy lifestyle, online classes are sharply increasing with the advent of computer technology. {this is confusing, because you give two separate reasons for the rise of online classes, but the relationship between them is not really clear} More and more students tend to take online forums {“forum” is not the same as a class, and you visit or participate in a forum, you do not take a forum} due to a lot of [their many] strong points and [some predict] they will completely replace classroom learning. Personally, I think the online environment is the best method for students in the 21st century because of [its] great many strengths.
The first point, {this transition sounds odd here - it would have to be “The first point is that one of the main …” but that is repetitive and wordy} one of the main benefits of studying online is learners would gain up-to-date information in a [wide variety] of fields of study. This is linked to the fact that those learners can access updated {“updated” is a little vague here} [content] at once while the traditional classes’ environment does not. {I think you need to explain why this is true - why do traditional classes not teach the most current knowledge?} Moreover, access to [additional] resources {this is vague too - I assume you mean extra features, like links to original source documents, multimedia presentations, individualized quizzes and tests, and other features not offered by traditional classrooms? If so, you need to explain this more clearly} of online courses are offered, which empower learners to freely choose a wide range of different subjects. For instance, students attending the national high school examination can have diverse opportunities to study in many forums on the internet such as the Moon, [and] the Hocmai forum. {this doesn’t make sense to me - I think you need to explain what the Moon and Hocmai forums are}
Additionally, online learning is a great alternative to the classroom environment, especially for those who [can] not afford the time and money to take a real course. That means those learners can take online classes anytime if they have a [internet connection] logical arrangement. {I am not sure what you meant by logical arrangement} Also, students could save money [otherwise spent on] commuting and they may not have to worry about the weather. {better to say “and they do not even have to worry about the weather”} Take [one of] my classmates as an example, [her] limited time is a reason why she cannot go to a private class. Hence, she chooses to take online courses [at home] to enhance her knowledge at home {always try to position phrases like this as close to the word they modify - she takes the classes at home, she is not trying to enhance her “home knowledge”}.

In conclusion, online education provides various positive aspects for learners. This is because of its unlimited resources as well as [its advantages in terms of time management] reasonable time for students. Personally, I strongly believe that students should make an important decision about how to take advantage of the power of online courses.

[kelvincumberbatch]

@Luschen

Hi, you have addressed this prompt correctly and your overall formal is effective. You have a good introduction and conclusion. You might have added one disadvantage and stated why it is not important - “Some argue that online courses lack the sense of community and focus on interpersonal skills that traditional classrooms provide. Yet with webcams and discussion forums, these innovative internet-based courses actually allow the students to become part of a real community, often with more interaction than that found in old-fashioned classes.” Something like that to show that you have considered the disadvantages. Your first paragraph seems to have quite a lot of repetitive sentences. It would be better to go more into detail of exactly what features you are talking about. Detailed examples are always a great way to boost your word count without risking repetition. Here are some specific suggestions:

kelvincumberbatch:

It is true that [with] today’s busy lifestyle, online classes are sharply increasing with the advent of computer technology. {this is confusing, because you give two separate reasons for the rise of online classes, but the relationship between them is not really clear} More and more students tend to take online forums {“forum” is not the same as a class, and you visit or participate in a forum, you do not take a forum} due to a lot of [their many] strong points and [some predict] they will completely replace classroom learning. Personally, I think the online environment is the best method for students in the 21st century because of [its] great many strengths.
The first point, {this transition sounds odd here - it would have to be “The first point is that one of the main …” but that is repetitive and wordy} one of the main benefits of studying online is learners would gain up-to-date information in a [wide variety] of fields of study. This is linked to the fact that those learners can access updated {“updated” is a little vague here} [content] at once while the traditional classes’ environment does not. {I think you need to explain why this is true - why do traditional classes not teach the most current knowledge?} Moreover, access to [additional] resources {this is vague too - I assume you mean extra features, like links to original source documents, multimedia presentations, individualized quizzes and tests, and other features not offered by traditional classrooms? If so, you need to explain this more clearly} of online courses are offered, which empower learners to freely choose a wide range of different subjects. For instance, students attending the national high school examination can have diverse opportunities to study in many forums on the internet such as the Moon, [and] the Hocmai forum. {this doesn’t make sense to me - I think you need to explain what the Moon and Hocmai forums are}
Additionally, online learning is a great alternative to the classroom environment, especially for those who [can] not afford the time and money to take a real course. That means those learners can take online classes anytime if they have a [internet connection] logical arrangement. {I am not sure what you meant by logical arrangement} Also, students could save money [otherwise spent on] commuting and they may not have to worry about the weather. {better to say “and they do not even have to worry about the weather”} Take [one of] my classmates as an example, [her] limited time is a reason why she cannot go to a private class. Hence, she chooses to take online courses [at home] to enhance her knowledge at home {always try to position phrases like this as close to the word they modify - she takes the classes at home, she is not trying to enhance her “home knowledge”}.

In conclusion, online education provides various positive aspects for learners. This is because of its unlimited resources as well as [its advantages in terms of time management] reasonable time for students. Personally, I strongly believe that students should make an important decision about how to take advantage of the power of online courses.

Dear teacher,
Thank you very much.