IELTS Writing task 2: managing money

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
Please help me check my IELTS Writing essay.
Task 2 : High school students are usually not good at managing money. What are the reasons? What are the solutions?

Answer

It is said that many high students are not able to manage their money wisely. There are a considerable number of reasons leading to this problem. The government and families need to be responsible for improving youngsters’ financial managing skill.

Nowadays, almost all adolescents are lack of managing finances skill because of two main reasons. Firstly, those young people are usually being overprotective by their parents. It can be seen that the number of high school students who are not good at managing money are usually from flourished family backgrounds. There is no need for those students to budget by themselves, because their parents have already managed all for them. Secondly, teenagers are impressionable. Therefore, they are easily swayed by advertisements, especially by celebrity endorsements. As a result, juveniles tend to buy costly things which are recommended by their idols. For instance, Bitis Hunter has become a brand name in Vietnam thank to Son Tung MTP who has a huge number of fans. According to this reason, high school students are often not able to control their expenses on purchasing unnecessary things.

The government and families should take the responsibility of enhancing high school students’ managing skill. From an early age, children ought to be educated how to make the most of their pocket money. In addition, parents should not try too hard to protect their children in the formative years. Instead of managing all the financial things, parents need to let their kids a chance to practice budgeting. Besides, the government should control how the media operates, particularly in the field of online advertising. Celebrity endorsement should be limited to reduce teenagers’ expenses because adolescents are vulnerable and easy to be attracted by products being advertised by their idols.

In conclusion, managing money is an important skill that not only adults but also high school students are required to possess. Therefore, the authorities and families ought to co-ordinate to help teenagers manage money properly.

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought this was a very good effort. This essay addresses the prompt correctly and includes relevant and practical ideas. Your sentences are generally very clear, but you do have some errors in sentence structure and word use here and there.
Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

It is said that many high students are not able to manage their money wisely. There are a considerable number of reasons leading to this problem. The government and [the students’] families [both] need to [take responsibility] for improving youngsters’ financial [management] skill.

Nowadays, almost all adolescents are lack [the ability to effectively] [manage] finances skill because of two main reasons. Firstly, those young people are usually being [overprotected] by their parents. {it is more natural though to say that their parents are being overprotective} It can be seen that the number of high school students who are not good at managing money are usually from [flourishing] {this still sounds a bit odd - maybe “well-off family …”} family backgrounds. There is no need for those students to budget by themselves, because their parents have already managed all for them. Secondly, teenagers are impressionable. Therefore, they are easily swayed by advertisements, especially by celebrity endorsements. As a result, juveniles tend to buy costly [products] {avoid using “things” - be more creative and specific} which are recommended by their idols. For instance, [the clothing line] Bitis Hunter has become a brand name in Vietnam thank to [YouTube celebrity] Son Tung MTP {explain what and who these are - I didn’t know so I just guessed!} who has a huge number of fans. According to [For] this reason, {this is not a reason, this is an example - so “This example illustrates how high school …”} high school students are often not able to control their expenses [when] purchasing unnecessary things.

[In order to address this problem, ]The government and families should take the responsibility of enhancing high school students’ [financial management skills]. [On the home front,] From an early age, children ought to be educated how to make the most of their pocket money. In addition, parents should not try too hard to protect their children in [their] formative years. Instead of managing all the financial [details], parents need to let their kids a chance to practice budgeting. Besides, {“beside” is used to give an additional reason, not to introduce a new topic} [Meanwhile, from a society-wide standpoint,] the government should control how the media operates, particularly in the field of online advertising. Celebrity [endorsements] should be limited to reduce teenagers’ [temptation to overspend] expenses because adolescents are vulnerable and [easily] attracted by products being advertised by their idols.

In conclusion, managing money is an important skill that not only adults but also high school students are required to possess. Therefore, the authorities and families ought to co-ordinate to help teenagers manage money properly.

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Thank you very much,