IELTS Writing task 2: It is a widespread belief that space exploration is way too expensive and money should be spent on other important areas. Do you agree or disagree?

[Haru]

Hi Luschen, I am a new one here. I am going to have an IELTS exam next month. Could you revise my IELTS essay? Thank you in advance and have a nice day!

People have different views about space discovering. While it cannot be denied that there are positive benefits to invest in this field, I completely agree that government budget should be allocated to the more essential issues on Earth as now will be mentioned.

First and foremost, global warming is the key consideration. this is because global warming will have significant effects on our planet. Extreme weather conditions, a high sea level and the rising temperatures are instances for its negative impacts, and these sign has become considerably than ever. However, the not only the investment in this problem has never been sufficient, but the plenty of plastics threw out the environment also increase rapidly. The best solution to this issue is that governments should invest in renewable energy like solar, wind and water power as well as promote recycling through their campaigns.

In addition, the standard of healthcare and education in developing countries also are primary concern. Poverty in many countries would relate to the economic growth of all nations around the world and the gap between the rich and the poor is more likely to widen. The best form of help for these countries is the development aid. Instead of wasting money on space research, richer nations should invest in long-team projects such as building new schools and hospitals. For example, Japan, one of the most developed countries in the world, has just constructed Viet - Nhat hospital in Vietnam in order to reduce burdens on public hospitals. Without such help from developed countries, it will be struggle to poor countries to solve the problems by themselves.

In conclusion, it seems to me that there are enormous concerns that deserve to be spent money than space exploration.

[Luschen]

Hi Haru, welcome to the forum. Sorry for my delay in getting to your essay, I have been quite busy the last couple of days. Wow, I think your fluency in English is very good. You have a great vocabulary and rich variety of sentences. Your ideas are clear, although you do have a few awkward phrases here and there. That said, I think you do have a big problem here with task achievement. The prompt asks whether you think “space exploration is way too expensive” and “whether money should be spent on other important areas”. You have not really addressed the first part of this question at all. Often, the prompt is giving you the essay structure format. Here I think the graders will be expecting one paragraph about the expense of space and a second about the other important areas. In your essay you have barely even mentioned space at all. Even in your “other important areas” paragraph, you should refer back to space exploration repeatedly while saying why the environment and fighting poverty are more important. Hopefully this is helpful; I am sure you have the ability to get a great score, as long as you address the prompt correctly when showing off your writing skill! Here are some other suggestions:

@Haru

People have different views about space [discovery]. {this is still a little bit odd, as we have already discovered space maybe exploring space, sending astronauts into outer space, launching probes to discover new stars and planets. To me a big source of ambiguity with this prompt is whether it is talking about manned exploration or sending out satellites. In your rephrasing, I think you should make it clear what you understand the prompt to mean} While it cannot be denied that there are positive benefits to [investing] in this field, I completely agree that government budget should be allocated to the more essential issues on Earth as now will be mentioned.{I would leave out this last phrase}

First and foremost, global warming is the key consideration.{key consideration of what? This sounds a bit unclear - maybe “… global warming should be the key consideration, instead of focusing on outer space.”} {your topic sentence needs to be broader because you not only talk about global warming, you also talk about plastics pollution} [This] is because global warming will have significant effects on our planet. Extreme weather conditions, a high sea level and the rising temperatures are instances [of] its negative impacts, and these [signs have] become considerably {you need an adjective here for considerably to modify - maybe “considerably more prevalent”} than ever. However, the not only [has] the investment in this problem [been insufficient], but the [amount] of plastics [thrown] out [into] the environment [is also increasing] {or “has also increased …”} rapidly. The best solution to this issue is that governments should invest in renewable energy like solar, wind and water power as well as promote recycling through their campaigns.

In addition, the standard of healthcare and education in developing countries also are [of] primary concern. {or “are primary concerns”} Poverty in many countries would relate to {“would relate to” sounds odd and unclear - do you mean poverty is caused by the growth or that poverty could affect the growth?} the economic growth of all nations around the world and the gap between the rich and the poor is more likely to widen. The best form of help for these countries is the development aid. Instead of wasting money on space research, {this short phrase is the only place in your whole body paragraphs where you even mention space} richer nations should invest in long-team projects such as building new schools and hospitals. For example, Japan, one of the most developed countries in the world, has just constructed Viet - Nhat hospital in Vietnam in order to reduce burdens on public hospitals. Without such help from developed countries, it will be [a] struggle [for] poor countries to solve the problems by themselves.

In conclusion, it seems to me that there are enormous concerns that [better] deserve to be spent money [to be spent on] {this is now grammatically correct, but still a little unnatural - maybe “… that are better deserving of government funding than …”} than space exploration.

[Haru]

Dear Luschen,
Thank you so much for your feedback! It’s really useful for me. I think that I have many things to do here: task achievement, grammar and word choice
I will try to write this essay again.