IELTS Writing task 2:In some countries, some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period of time before going to university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of those school leavers’ decision. Give your own opinion

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay,

Thank you,

After graduating from high school, some students decide to apply for a job or go on a trip before university life . While I accept that there benefits and drawbacks of this situation, I would argue that it is better for tertiary education to spend a year working or travelling.
The trend to get a job or straight after school is disadvantageous to some extent .The main shortcoming is that the majority of upon graduating students from high school could not live independently or earn no money and they have to ask their parents for the expense. In addition, they may get a poor knowledge when they get it out mind for a long time.
On the other hand, I believe that young people should choose to work or travel for period of time because of some undeniable advantages . Firstly, working or travelling help them to obtain a lot of real experience. When they can reward job in their field , it leads to guarantee a successful career. For example , my brother, worked part time for Mindshare until University life. By doing part time job, he was confident, progress rapidly which gave him professional career. Secondly, taking a year off helps high school seniors to chase the top jobs when they do not know where is suitable for their future .
In conclusion, I seems to me that there are many advantages for young people who want to work or travel before being college students, although this situation has some notable disadvantages.

[Luschen]

Hi Kelvin, I think you somewhat addressed this prompt, but for these “discuss both sides and give your opinion” prompt, I think it is better to present the disadvantages and advantages in a purely objective manner, and then add your own personal opinion in a separate third paragraph, which can be combined with the conclusion. This format will ensure that you have answered all three parts of the prompt. I did really like your example in your second paragraph. Your reason struck me as not very convincing, but after your detailed example, I am somewhat won over. I was able to follow most of your writing, but you did have a lot of odd or awkward phrases and sentences. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

After graduating from high school, some students decide to apply for a job or go on a trip before [beginning] university life . While I accept that there [are] benefits and drawbacks of this situation, I would argue that it is better for [students pursuing] tertiary education to [first] spend a year working or travelling.

[To begin,] The trend to get a job or straight after school is disadvantageous to some extent .The main shortcoming is that the majority of upon graduating students from high school {better to say “majority of students graduating from high school” to use upon you would say “is that upon high school graduation, the majority of students could not …”} could not live independently or earn [any] money and they have to ask their parents [to pay] for the expense. In addition, they may [lose some of their] knowledge when [their mind is not focused on it] for a long time.
On the other hand, I believe that young people should choose to work or travel for period of time [before continuing their education] because of some undeniable advantages . Firstly, working or travelling [helps] them to obtain a lot of real experience. When they can [get a rewarding] job in their field , it [tends] to guarantee a successful career. {but how can they get a rewarding job in their field without a college degree?} For example , my brother, {no comma here} worked part time for Mindshare until [the start of his university] life. By doing [this] part time job, he was confident, progress rapidly {better to say “he gained confidence and progressed rapidly”} which gave him [a] professional career. {better to say “which contributed to his professional career”} Secondly, taking a year off helps high school seniors to chase the top jobs when they do not know [which] is suitable for their future . {this is a bit unclear - maybe you mean “seniors to experience a variety of jobs, which will give them a better idea of which career might be suitable for their future.”}
In conclusion, I seems to me that there are many advantages for young people who want to work or travel before being college students, although this situation has some notable disadvantages.

[kelvincumberbatch]

@Luschen

After graduating from high school, some students decide to apply for a job or go on a trip before [beginning] university life . While I accept that there [are] benefits and drawbacks of this situation, I would argue that it is better for [students pursuing] tertiary education to [first] spend a year working or travelling.

[To begin,] The trend to get a job or straight after school is disadvantageous to some extent .The main shortcoming is that the majority of upon graduating students from high school {better to say “majority of students graduating from high school” to use upon you would say “is that upon high school graduation, the majority of students could not …”} could not live independently or earn [any] money and they have to ask their parents [to pay] for the expense. In addition, they may [lose some of their] knowledge when [their mind is not focused on it] for a long time.
On the other hand, I believe that young people should choose to work or travel for period of time [before continuing their education] because of some undeniable advantages . Firstly, working or travelling [helps] them to obtain a lot of real experience. When they can [get a rewarding] job in their field , it [tends] to guarantee a successful career. {but how can they get a rewarding job in their field without a college degree?} For example , my brother, {no comma here} worked part time for Mindshare until [the start of his university] life. By doing [this] part time job, he was confident, progress rapidly {better to say “he gained confidence and progressed rapidly”} which gave him [a] professional career. {better to say “which contributed to his professional career”} Secondly, taking a year off helps high school seniors to chase the top jobs when they do not know [which] is suitable for their future . {this is a bit unclear - maybe you mean “seniors to experience a variety of jobs, which will give them a better idea of which career might be suitable for their future.”}
In conclusion, I seems to me that there are many advantages for young people who want to work or travel before being college students, although this situation has some notable disadvantages.

Thank you very much,

I really appreciate your feedback on my writing.