IELTS Writing task 2:In some countries, some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period of time before going to university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of those school leavers’ decision. Give your own opinion


#1

Dear teacher,
Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay,

Thank you,

After graduating from high school, some students decide to apply for a job or go on a trip before university life . While I accept that there benefits and drawbacks of this situation, I would argue that it is better for tertiary education to spend a year working or travelling.
The trend to get a job or straight after school is disadvantageous to some extent .The main shortcoming is that the majority of upon graduating students from high school could not live independently or earn no money and they have to ask their parents for the expense. In addition, they may get a poor knowledge when they get it out mind for a long time.
On the other hand, I believe that young people should choose to work or travel for period of time because of some undeniable advantages . Firstly, working or travelling help them to obtain a lot of real experience. When they can reward job in their field , it leads to guarantee a successful career. For example , my brother, worked part time for Mindshare until University life. By doing part time job, he was confident, progress rapidly which gave him professional career. Secondly, taking a year off helps high school seniors to chase the top jobs when they do not know where is suitable for their future .
In conclusion, I seems to me that there are many advantages for young people who want to work or travel before being college students, although this situation has some notable disadvantages.


#2

Hi Kelvin, I think you somewhat addressed this prompt, but for these “discuss both sides and give your opinion” prompt, I think it is better to present the disadvantages and advantages in a purely objective manner, and then add your own personal opinion in a separate third paragraph, which can be combined with the conclusion. This format will ensure that you have answered all three parts of the prompt. I did really like your example in your second paragraph. Your reason struck me as not very convincing, but after your detailed example, I am somewhat won over. I was able to follow most of your writing, but you did have a lot of odd or awkward phrases and sentences. Here are some specific suggestions:


#3

Thank you very much,

I really appreciate your feedback on my writing.