IELTS Writing Task 2 exercise, for focusing on key info, please give me some advice

[sylvia]

Be flooded with all kinds of high-tech productions, nowadays not only young people’s lives have been changed to a high extent, also the old people’s lives are influenced. In the past, people communicated via letters and face-to-face, later phone calls, then the Internet, which is the most popular way to develop relationships and almost exceeds the normal way we use in reality.

Primarily, technology benefits a lot of people who are not keen on social activities but still need friends. Instead of meeting in reality or talking by phone, they can send voice messages or only text words through distinct social platforms like Facebook, Wechat and Instagram. By this way, people have more freedom to choose which kind of people they want to talk with, and when. Also, it helps people who are not good at social communication. Because there are a lot of things you have to think about in reality, like nervousness, appearance or disabilities, if you want to make friends with others. Yet on the Internet with the aids of technology you can be what you like to be in an easier way. Furthermore, technology offers a more flexible lifestyle. In China, recently there is a report about the trend of young people’s social contacts in a distance. It says, after hard work after a day or company they keep with families, young people don’t want to consume too many energies on not-so-vital- things, and they want to spend more time in reading, watching TV or learning a new skill by virtues of some technology. Last but not least，technology saves the poor students in poverty districts. Recently it reported, according to live videos from famous schools, 88 persons from common high schools have passed the examination to Tsinghua University. And the College entrance examination champion is a student from a distant village.

On the other hand, technology has a trend of giving away users’ information and irresponsible monitoring, which lead to a lot of danger to users’ lives. For example, murder and rape on young beautiful girls with the help of information on DiDi Taxi App, but the company didn’t work hard to examine the conditions of their drivers and systems. Later, the company closed the entrance of ordering at night. Meanwhile, some young people can’t control themselves to be addicted to games and virtual reality. However, these situations are not irresolvable with the assistance of their families and friends.

To conclude, technology is still more of a positive development than a negative one. For it bringing a better life for most people who have difficulties.

I spend a lot of time on this composition, but I think I am a kind of off the topic. It is a failure.

How to get the main point of the composition? Can you give me some suggestions? Thousands of thanks!

[Luschen]

Hi Sylvia, I would not call this a failure, that is a harsh term! But I do agree that you have not addressed the prompt as effectively as you could have. This is a two part prompt, so your first body paragraph should tell how relationships are affected by technology and the second paragraph should tell whether you think this has been good or bad. You have written a “discuss both sides and give your opinion” essay, which is not what the prompt wants here. You have discussed some of the changes in relationships in your first paragraph, but you have presented these more as benefits. Instead, you need to be more objective when you discuss the changes. Wait until your second paragraph before giving your judgements on whether these changes are good or bad. If you think they are good, you don’t have to discuss the bad points, just give your own opinion. Here are some specific suggestions:

@sylvia

Be flooded with [With the flood of] all kinds of high-tech productions, {“productions” is a little unclear - to me it probably mean movies or tv shows} nowadays not only [have] young people’s lives have been changed to a high extent, also the old people’s lives are influenced. In the past, people communicated via letters and face-to-face, later phone calls, then the Internet, which [has now become] the most popular way to develop relationships and almost exceeds the normal way we use in reality. {this last part is confusing - I guess you mean it has exceeded the normal way of just talking face to face?}

Primarily, {“primarily” is not a very good transition, if you are trying to use it that way} technology [primarily] benefits a lot of people who are not keen on social activities but still need friends. Instead of meeting in [person] or talking by phone, they can send voice messages or only{“or simply” sounds better} text words through distinct social platforms like Facebook, Wechat and Instagram. [In] this way, people have more freedom to choose which kind of people they want to talk with, and when. Also, it helps people who are not good at social communication] because] there are a lot of things you have to think about in reality, [when meeting people in the real world] like nervousness, appearance or disabilities, if you want to make friends with others. Yet on the Internet with the aids of technology you can be what you like to be in an easier way. Furthermore, technology offers a more flexible lifestyle. In China, recently there [was] a report about the trend of young people’s social contacts [becoming more distant] in a distance. It [said], after [a hard day’s work or spending time with their families, ] hard work after a day or company they keep with families, young people don’t want to consume too many energies [spend too much energy] on not-so-vital- things,{“activities” is better - try to avoid using “things” - use a more specific and descriptive word} and they want to spend more time in reading, watching TV or learning a new skill by [virtue] of some technology. Last but not least，technology saves the poor students in [impoverished] districts. Recently it [was] reported, according to live videos from famous schools, 88 persons from common high schools {what would be a “common high school”?} have passed the examination to Tsinghua University. And the [college] entrance examination champion is a student from a distant village. {make more clear the connection of why technology made this possible. Also, this example does not really have anything to do with forming relationships - be sure not to stray away from the prompt’s topic}

On the other hand, technology has a trend of giving away users’ information and irresponsible monitoring, which [leads] to a lot of danger to users’ lives. For example, murder and rape [of] young beautiful girls [has occurred with] with the help of information on DiDi Taxi App, but the company didn’t work hard to examine the conditions of their drivers and systems. Later, the company [stopped allowing orders to be taken] closed the entrance of ordering at night. Meanwhile, some young people can’t control themselves[ and become] addicted to games and virtual reality. However, these situations are not irresolvable with the assistance of their families and friends.

To conclude, technology is still more of a positive development than a negative one. For it [is] bringing a better life for most people who have difficulties.